Taste the Rainbow!

I wrote this short story for the competition I’m in. My assignment was to write a comedy involving an apprentice and a strict diet. This story is lovingly dedicated to a wonderful little guinea pig named Cookie.

(c) 2020 All Rights Reserved

Taste the Rainbow

When little Polly gets a chance to become a magician’s

apprentice, her life becomes much more colorful.


“And now I shall make a bunny rabbit appear in my hat,” the magician boasted. He waved his hat around. “Abracadabra, hocus-pocus!” A fluffball fell from his hat.

My classmate, Bubba, hooted from his seat to my left. “That’s not a rabbit. It’s got no long ears.”

I still remember how offended I was. “Who cares if he’s not a rabbit?” I yelled. “He’s magical anyways!”

“Magic’s stupid. It’s all fake,” Bubba replied. He folded his arms across his chest and sneered. “You only believe in it ‘cause you’re a girl.”

Our teacher shushed us and faced the magician onstage.

My face felt red and I kicked my feet. “Magic is so real,” I yelled. “And that’s a magic animal, whether you know it or not.”

“Polly!” Mrs. Thurston glowered at me. “Pay attention.”

I huffed and faced forward.

The magician chuckled a little. “For my last act, I’ll need someone to be my special apprentice. This person will—” All of our hands went up, and his voice was drowned out by a chorus of pick-me-pick-me-pick-me-pick-mememememe.

The magician’s eyes landed on me, and I dared to hope I’d get picked. But then his gaze left me, and I felt invisible. “How about you, son?”

My arm fell in heavy defeat as my classmates cheered on Bubba.

Bubba raced onstage to join the magician. Jealousy ate its way through my heart in a way that hurt from the inside out.

“Starburst here needs someone to care for him over the weekend,” the magician said. He placed the animal into a small cage. “How would you like the honor?”

Bubba recoiled. “I ain’t taking care of that furry freakshow. No, thank you.” He jumped off the stage and took his seat.

My hand shot up before anyone else in our class could react. This time, the magician chose me. I jumped up and joined him onstage, elated. He handed me some pet food and told me to make sure Starburst had water to drink. “There’s just one more important thing,” the magician added. “Starburst is on a strict diet. Under no circumstance may you feed him… any of these Skittles!” He waved his hand, and a bag of Skittles candy appeared. He handed it to me. “These candies are for you alone. Understand?”

“Yes. Gee, thanks!” I pocketed the Skittles, set down the pet food, and slid my finger into Starburst’s cage. He chirped and nibbled on my finger. I couldn’t tell which sort of animal he was—a guinea pig, a hamster? But it was love.


At dinner that night, Uncle Moe belched. It was nasty.

“Gross!” I squealed.

“Polly,” my mom snapped. “If you can’t be nice to Uncle Moe, then you can go to your room.”

He wasn’t my uncle, but I refused to call him Dad, or even Stepdad. The compromise became “Uncle Moe”.

I stormed upstairs, deciding I’d spend time in my room with Starburst. He was in his cage, eyeing my unopened bag of Skittles.

“Don’t get any ideas, Starburst,” I told him. “The magician said you’re on a strict diet. No Skittles for you.”

Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp? Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp! He stood on his hind legs and pointed at the candy bag.

I considered it, but then shook my head. “Un-huh,” I said. “No candy for you. I promised. Eat your pet food. It looks yummy.”

Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp? Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp! He was about a foot tall and seemed way too big for his cage. Maybe I could let him out of the cage to play for a while. As soon as I freed him, he scampered over to the bag of Skittles and hurled his clawed body around it in a bearhug.

“Starburst!” I scolded. “Get off the candy.” I grabbed him, and he immediately released his hold on the bag. Back into his cage he went, and I checked the latch. “Bad Starburst.” I waved a finger at him. “Cut that out.”

Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp? Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp! He motioned toward the candy.

I picked up the bag of Skittles and tore it open. Eating a handful, I murmured, “Mmm. Yummy.”

Starburst threw a fit, screeching and pulling at his hair and jumping up and down. His poor head kept hitting the top of the cage.

“Well,” I decided, “I guess one piece wouldn’t hurt.” I selected a red one and slid it into his cage, careful to set down the bag of candy way out of his reach.

I sighed. I had some homework to do, so I figured I’d better get to work. I walked toward my desk.

“Thank you for the candy, love. I was so afraid you’d never feed me and that I should perish from hunger, old and alone and miserable. Might I have another soon? Perhaps an orange one?”

I froze. Starburst and his cage were behind me. I slowly turned around. He grinned and gestured to the bag of candy.

I gasped. “What?”

“Yes, another candy would be delightful, dear heart. Please give me another?”

I stared at him, dumbstruck. “You really are magic!”

“Of course, and allow me to prove it. Which superhuman power would you like?”

“I dunno. I… I guess I wanna be invisible!” I said.

He snapped his claws. “Look in the mirror, love. You aren’t there.”

I walked over to my full-length mirror. Starburst was right. There was no reflection of me. I could still see my body beneath me, just not in the mirror.

Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp? Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp!

I turned to look at Starburst. Why was he chirping again? He gestured wildly toward the candy, so I selected an orange Skittle and gave it to him. He chomped on it with his pointy teeth. “Thank you, love. My voice has returned. Now, be a good lassie and go enjoy being invisible.”

“But what if I—”

“You’ll figure it out. Off you go.” He waved toward the door.

Okay. I left my room and wandered downstairs, taking soft steps to hide my presence. Mom and Uncle Moe were still eating dinner. They didn’t react as I entered the kitchen.

“It’s been hard on her,” Mom explained. “Her dad pretty much abandoned her.”

I froze.

“Yeah, but why does she see me as the enemy?” Uncle Moe said. “She acts like I’m the bad guy.”

I frowned.

“I don’t know,” Mom said. “She’s probably afraid you’ll leave her, too.”

I can’t move. I can’t breathe. How could Mom know I feel that way? Like Uncle Moe was going to leave us anytime, because that’s what daddies do? A tear dripped down my cheek.

“I wish I could get her to trust me,” Uncle Moe said. “I don’t like fighting with her all the time.”

A feeling of guilt heavy as a winter blanket weighted itself onto me. I turned and went back upstairs, walking as quietly as possible. I shut my bedroom door behind me.

Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp? Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp!

I selected a yellow Skittle from the bag and slid it into Starburst’s cage. He chomped down on it.

“Did you enjoy invisibility, love?” Starburst asked. He waved a clawed paw at me, and my reflection returned in the mirror.

“No.” I burst into tears.

“Oh my, such an emotional display.” He clung to the front of his cage. “What could be the matter?”

I glowered at Starburst. “I don’t like Uncle Moe. He’s a stinky poopy-head.”

“Oh, heavens above,” Starburst replied, “so am I. And you’ve been feeding me Skittles, of all things. What were you thinking? Phew!” He waved his claws in front of his face. Rainbow gas puffed up from his behind. “Sorry. He who dealt it smelt it, as they say.”

“Ew!” I clutched my nose. “That’s disgusting! No more candy for you, Starburst. Gross.”

“Fair enough, but I become quite flatulent when I’m not fed.” He farted again, loud and obnoxious, and produced more rainbow gas. “Did you know that humans are the only nonmagical animals who have butt cheeks with which to audibly fart? Oh, other animals can fart, but they can’t be heard. But within my magical species, we have been bred with butt cheeks to rival any human’s.” He kept farting. It sounded like an old-fashioned pencil sharpener destroying a pencil.

“Ohhh! You stink!”

“Yes, I do stink, and so does Uncle Moe. But tell me, child, when was the last time you smelled your dad?”

I glowered. “Mind your own business, Fart-burst.”


I woke in the middle of the night after a nightmare about a scary magician. Starburst was awake, and he stood watching me from inside his cage. Something felt wrong, and then I realized that I could hear crying down the hall.

“Make me invisible again,” I whispered.

Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp? Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp!

“Oh. Okay. Hold on.” I climbed out of bed and found the candy. This time, I fed Starburst a green one.

“Thank you, love,” he said, after chomping it up. He waved his claws at me, and my mirror reflection vanished.

I opened my door and tiptoed over the carpeted floor. I’d heard Mommy crying a lot lately. Now I could find out why she’d been sad.

But when I reached the living room, I saw that the crier was Uncle Moe. He was sitting on the sofa in his flannel pyjamas, sobbing his eyes out. I walked closer to him but didn’t know what to do. Mommy showed up, got a sad look on her face, and sat next to him on the sofa. She wrapped her arms around him. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” she said.

“They’re never coming back,” he sobbed. “Damn that driver and his cellphone.” Saliva pooled in his mouth. “Texting while driving should be outlawed.”

“I know.” Mommy held him and rocked him back and forth.

I returned to my room, closing my door behind me. Starburst waved a claw, and my reflection returned.

“Did you enjoy being invisible, love?”

“He never told me,” I wailed. “Who was he talking about?”

“His family—his wife and daughter. They were killed five years ago,” Starburst said.

I wiped tears off my face. “How’d you know about it?”

“I’m enchanted, my lady. I’ve been bred by a long line of magicians who’ve been careful to preserve my magical lineage—and my butt cheeks—from one generation to the next.”

“I want to be a magician.” I plopped onto my bed and peered at Starburst.

“And you shall be, love. You shall be.” He farted turquoise.

It stank.


I woke on Saturday morning to the dawning awareness that yesterday couldn’t have been real. I played it over in my mind before opening my eyes. Then I took a peek, and sure enough, there was a caged animal in my room.

Starburst was sound asleep. I rapped on his cage, but he kept snoring and farting in stinky rainbow puffs. Gross.

My mom opened my door. “Good, you’re up. Hurry and get dressed. You’re going to the park with Uncle Moe. And don’t give me any lip. Just give it a chance, okay?” She grimaced and frowned at Starburst but didn’t comment on the stench.


As Uncle Moe drove, I gazed out the window. He parked his truck, and I climbed out.

“Which way do you want to walk?” he asked.

I shrugged and pouted. Then, relenting a bit, I pointed to my right.

“All right,” he said. “Let’s go.”

The oval walking path was crowded, and we kept having to dodge joggers. “So, Polly,” Uncle Moe said, “I just wanted to rap to you about things. There have been a lot of changes. Is there anything I can do to help you adjust?”

Hmm… sounded like adult-speak to my suspicious ears. “Do you believe in magic?” I asked.

My question seemed to startle him. “Of course. Do you?”

I nodded. “Starburst’s descended from a long line of magical animals.”

“That’s fun,” Uncle Moe said. He forced a grin. “What sort of magical stuff can he do?”

I shrugged. “He farts rainbows. And he’s made me invisible a few times.”

He squinted at me in the bright sunshine. “Do you feel invisible?”

“Sometimes,” I admitted. I stopped walking and pointed to a nearby basketball game. “See that man with the number thirty-three shirt? That’s my dad.”

“Seriously?” Uncle Moe followed my gaze. “Oh my gosh, that is Danny. I’m sorry, Polly. I had no idea he’d be here.”

I didn’t ask how he knew my dad’s name. I shrugged. “Who cares? Mom said he doesn’t see the world around him. He won’t even know we’re here.”

Uncle Moe shot me a look of disbelief, but we kept walking, and sure enough, my dad didn’t see us.

“Sometimes I wish he’d died years ago,” I tell Uncle Moe. “Then he wouldn’t have left me on purpose, but on accident.”

“That hurts too, though.” He started to sniffle.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s okay.”

I took his hand and pulled him along. “Look, I guess I won’t leave you, okay?” I said. “Either on purpose or accident. Not if you stay with me.” I smiled at him. He smiled back.


When we got home, I was excited to see Starburst again. I raced to my room. He was awake now and gesturing to my candies. This time, I slid a purple one into his cage.

His ears and tail twitched. “Ah, you’ve fed me the last color,” he said. “This is the final time I’ll be able to speak to you, love.”

“But I have more candy!” I insisted.

“We shan’t waste our time arguing.” He waved a claw at me. “You’ve passed the apprenticeship exam, and you may indeed become a magician when you grow up.”

“Yay!” I jumped up and down.

Starburst’s eyes twinkled. “Once you’re of age, the right people will find you. In the meantime, I trust you’ll ensure that Bubba will care for me next weekend,” he said.

I nodded. “Is he going to become a magician too?”

Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp? Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp!

I fought off tears. “Oh, Starburst, come back! Talk to me again!”

But he’d lost his voice.


I shake the long-ago memories from my head and focus on the here and now. After I finish up this performance, my husband, Bubba, and I are going to have dinner with my parents.

“I need an apprentice,” I tell the audience. “It has to be someone special.” Everyone’s hands shoot up. I choose Timothy, a little boy who needs some extra confidence.

I give Timothy strict instructions about Molasses’ care as he reaches through the cage to pet Molasses. “Can I be a magician when I grow up?” he asks. He’s missing a tooth.

“You bet,” I say. “The first thing to do is take care of Molasses. Remember, he’s on a strict diet, so don’t feed him any… of these Skittles!” I wave my hand and manifest a bag of candy.

“Gee, thanks!” Timothy beams. “I won’t.”

I wink at Molasses, who’s descended from a long line of magical animals. He winks back.



My mother’s life is ruined… again.

Well, I went back on the strict diet, and it went fine today. Go me! I’ve eaten around 1,600 calories, which I think is in weight-loss territory. A few minor things went wrong today. Big Woof woke me too early, wanting to go out. Then I fell back asleep but overslept because of the interruption. Nothing major. But then I called my mom, and she was being a Negative Nancy again. She had some sort of freak-out over a tax form.

“Did you get your tax form from social security?” she asked me.

“Yes, and so did Codger,” I replied.

“WHAT?! When?”

“A few weeks ago,” I said. “Mine’s on the kitchen–”

“Oh no, my life is ruined!”

I sighed. “Why is your life ruined?” Not that I really wanted to know. 

“Because I haven’t gotten mine yet. And if I don’t get it, I can’t move back to Maine next month. I have to do my taxes first! And I need my tax forms. Why? Why? Why? Ohh, my life is so horrible.” (I’m sure there’s no law that says you have to do your taxes before moving to a different state. That’s, like, so totally not a thing.)

“Oh,” I said. “I see.” In reality, Mother sets up these situations for herself. She forwarded her mail from her Maine address to here, and that has caused all sorts of needless complications. She’s skilled at creating that sort of situation for herself and then dissolving into it at everyone else’s expense.

“No, you don’t see. You don’t get it. I’m sorry to go on and on about it, but our government is incompetent. They were supposed to call me back, but I couldn’t answer the phone in time.”

She has a point about that. Calling social security is hellish, and I’m not exaggerating. It’s pure hell.

“Yeah, but you enjoy having something to worry about,” I pointed out. “You should be grateful that you don’t have the form.”

“I’ll go check the mail,” she said in a steely voice. “Maybe it’s there today. If not, my life is ruined. Goodbye.” Click.

So I sat there in my living room feeling drained, energy-vampire style. I’d been in a good mood, but then I was tired and rundown. Shouldn’t have called Mother. Big mistake. But with her, you never know what you’re going to get. It’s a toss-up. [Shrug.]

But then I went on to success. I shared my short story on the competition forum, and I need to share it here, too. I had some fun reading other people’s stories and letting them comment on mine. I also worked hard on my find-an-agent spreadsheet. It’s coming together at long last. I’ve got around 143 agencies on my list to submit to, and I’ve been very systematic in my approach. So today has mostly been a huge success.

Lack of motivation and fear of heights.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: Every day when I wake up, I’m already tired. I get over 8 hours of sleep a night with a nap after school hours. I got diagnosed with clinical depression around a year ago and was prescribed antidepressants which made me feel pathetic for taking, so I stopped. I tried taking an antidepressant around 5 months ago when I got desperate for any sort of help, and all it did was make me sick and throw up in my mouth. Lately, I’m getting desperate again to take another one but I’m deathly afraid of vomiting. I go to virtual school, and this lack of energy means lack of progress. Then, when I get super behind, I have no motivation to get caught up, and then I get punished by my principal and parents. I don’t know what to do. I feel out of control. I’ve tried using a planner, I sit at the kitchen table 8 hours a day but still accomplish nothing. The guilt for not doing anything is even worse. Everybody just thinks I’m doing nothing out of choice, when in reality I just feel like I have a cloud over my head that won’t go away. I genuinely would do anything at this point to be able to get motivated. Not even the thought of being held back makes me motivated to do anything. It just makes me sad, scared, and hate myself. I’m too ashamed to bring this up to my principal too, so as far as she knows I’m just a lousy, lazy student.

Kind querent: Which antidepressant made you throw up in your mouth? I had that issue with a generic drug once, and when I told the doctor, he insisted that the pharmacy give me the name-brand variety. Another option would be to take a different antidepressant altogether. Please be open with doctors about how the one in particular makes you ill, and see what they say. It doesn’t make you at all pathetic to take meds. If you had diabetes, you’d take insulin, right?

I also think you need to go to regular brick-and-mortar school. You’re not motivated or self-guided enough for virtual school, so you need to go back to real school. Discuss options with your parents, and explain to them that staying home and studying all day isn’t working out. Maybe a small private school would be a good fit for you. I’m sure your parents and your principal would be happier to work with you toward finding solutions than punish you. Home-schooling isn’t for everyone, although I certainly had high fantasies about it at your age.

If you can arrange to take a new antidepressant (or the first one you were taking) and arrange to get back into a physical schoolbuilding, then you will have taken positive action toward change. You can do it!

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: I’m terrified of heights! When I was six, my family and I were stuck on a rollercoaster for an hour and a half. To this day I freak out when friends and family make me ride coasters to “help me get over my fear”, but it does the opposite. My girlfriend moved to Indiana with her mom at the beginning of senior year and she wants to go to prom there, but since we’ve been dating since sophomore year she doesn’t want to go with anyone else or go alone. She flew here and surprised me as my homecoming date, so I would feel bad if I didn’t do this for her. But I’m not ready to be on an airplane. And since negative things like malfunctions have been in national news recently my fear has gotten worse. My aunt suggested I try hypnotherapy, my grandpa says I should have a few drinks at the airport bar (I’m not old enough) and a friend who is also afraid of heights, but travels for work says he takes a sleep pill and asks the stewardess to wake him up. A direct flight is about three hours which isn’t bad just expensive. It would be a sixteen-hour drive, but my mom is worried about me making that long drive by myself especially to a place I’ve never been. Flying is the best choice. Anyone have any tips or suggestions? Do stewardesses really have sleep pills? What do I need to know?

Kind querent: Oh, wow. True enough, phobias are born when something scary happens at that exact age! Go figure. Whatever’s going on developmentally at the age of six means that any sort of scary experience could lead to a phobia.

Here are the facts: stewardesses (and I think they prefer to be called flight attendants) don’t have sleeping pills on hand. What you’d need to do would be to keep some in your carry-on bag. You’re a teenager, so here are some easy options for getting pills:

  1. Go to your doctor and explain the situation.
  2. Buy supplements over the counter.

Keep in mind that most supplements won’t put you to sleep, but they will relax you. Do not under any circumstance get a window seat. No reason to be a hero. Supplements I’d recommend would be L-Theanine, which you can get at a supplement shop or at Amazon. L-Theanine is the potent ingredient in green tea that makes you feel woozy when you drink the stuff. And it’s available in capsule form! Yay. I’ve had good luck with it. I packed some on my latest flights for travel stress, and the stuff is very helpful.

Another thing to keep in mind is that being on a plane doesn’t feel like being high up. I mean, you are high up, but it feels like you’re riding on a cramped bus. I’m afraid of heights myself, but only when I’m out in the open. Being on a plane is actually sort of fun and adventuresome, but it’s not as scary as, say, being in a hot-air balloon.

Also, you can hide under your jacket and not look, if need be. People will think you’re sleeping. And if you mention to your seat mates that you’re acrophobic and ask them to close the window covering, they probably will. Planes have tiny little windows that it’s hard to see out of.

I wouldn’t recommend driving sixteen hours. That’s extreme, especially if it’s one-way. More tips: if you do get put by the window, tell the flight attendants that you’re afraid of heights, and they’ll probably move you. Also, don’t pressure yourself into going. I think your girlfriend will understand if you can’t make it!

Support is needed.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: I feel like I’ve been let down by everyone except from my partner, and it hurts. I’ve been suffering with depression for some time. My best friend moved twenty minutes away. After years of close friendship I feel like she’s just replaced me. Barely any visits or texts, and then on facebook, she’s suddenly doing everything with a new friend. She doesn’t ask about my kid, yet when we do talk, she wants to tell me everything about hers. she’s having money issues, doesn’t tell me, and then rubs it in that she’s got loads of friends helping her. Why didn’t she give me that chance?

At Christmas she asked what to get my kid. I took the chance to help by saying it’s okay not to bother since she has money problems. She said thanks. I was nice to buy her kids two presents each. I saw on facebook people saying thanks for the card from her, yet I didn’t even get a card. Then this new friend posted a thank you for a present she got. It was an expensive bottle with lights in it and said “you’ll always be my friend”. I feel disposed of. Five days ago, she asked how I’ve been. I texted back saying I was really struggling with depression. She read it and didn’t text back. its really making my depression worse–near suicidal–because I feel like a loser with no friends and I must be trash if I’m so easy replaced after years of close friendship.

Kind querent: Wow, that bites. I can understand why you’re so upset. Your friend is being incredibly self-absorbed by making everything about her and nothing about you. This is not the sign of a good friend. It’s the sign of someone who’s stuck on herself and doesn’t care about anyone else.

See, she’s playing the pity card over being broke, and people are jumping to her rescue. I’m not saying she isn’t actually broke. Maybe she is. But then she asks how you’re doing, and you’re really depressed. Her problem is that you’re not supposed to be depressed! How dare you be depressed, when she’s broke and needs sympathy for being broke? The nerve of you. She is not a good friend.

But please, if you become suicidal, call a helpline. I don’t think this person is worth becoming suicidal over, but I’ve been there. I’d also urge you to make new friends. But in the meantime, don’t beat yourself up for not having any great friends. I was friendless for decades, and it’s sad, but it’s not a reflection of you as a failure. You’re not trash. Your friend, however, doesn’t appreciate you. Please don’t let that get you down. She sounds completely self-centered.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: I’ve always thought of myself as someone who wanted to be a mom one day. It’s been something I’ve been desiring a lot lately. However, my perception of things kind of changed over this past weekend. I wanted to use this weekend to relax but my uncle came over to visit with his two kids and they slept over for two nights (which I didn’t expect). I was able to handle his kids (5 and 10 years old) for a while but after a day passed, it really started to drain me to be around them. They’re very hyper and they followed me wherever I went. They are so sweet and loving but, very spoiled at the same time. When things wouldn’t go their way they would have temper tantrums, and if I left their presence they would make a scene. The whole weekend was really a whole series of meltdowns and kids breaking things. It felt like I just wanted to get away from them which made me feel guilty. But it really felt like way too much. It’s sort of freaking me out because I’ve always wanted to have kids; but after that whole experience, I’m a bit worried. Do you think it’s different and more tolerable for someone to deal with their own kids as opposed to the kids of other people? Should I let this experience influence whether or not I choose to have kids of my own later on?

Thank you for asking. What you’re experiencing is very common. There’s an episode of Sex and the City which sums it up nicely. Charlotte and her husband want to have kids, but then they go to a dinner party with some very poorly behaved little rugrats. At the end of the episode, they talk about it and then say those magic words: “Ours will be different.” They smile with relief. Crisis averted!

But this denial (or whatever it is) flummoxes me. Why don’t more people realize the realities of parenthood instead of blindly jumping in? It’s not going to be a bed of roses. You’d be smart to think carefully about these things before conceiving. But if you have realistic expectations, you’ll probably be fine.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: I’m sixteen years old and I have been waking up in a wet bed three times in the past two weeks. I’m so unbelievably embarassed about this issue, and that’s why I haven’t talked to my mom or anybody else about it. Does anybody know what could be causing the bedwetting all of a sudden? I’ve never had that kind of problem, I was four when this last happened to me and I really just want it to stop. Also, I am currently going to an outpatient psychiatric clinic from Monday to Friday because I have a post-traumatic stress disorder since losing my dad to cancer. Could the bedwetting be a psychological issue? And should I tell my psychiatrist? She’s actually really nice but I just don’t want her to think I’m weird, and it’s embarrissing because you don’t wet the bed when you’re sixteen. I just hate that I have no control over my Body. Please help. What can I do to stop it?

Kind querent: Yes, please promise me you’ll tell your psych doc. It’s completely okay. You might have a urinary tract infection. Does it burn when you pee? You’d have to pee into a cup in the privacy of a bathroom and have your urine analyzed. Or you might be reacting to any psych meds you’ve been put on. And trust me, if there’s one thing psychiatrists want to hear about, it’s side effects. So speak up! It could be psychological, but you need to eliminate any physical issues first. Once you’ve eliminated any physical issues (and promise me you’ll do this), then it could help to take a cranberry supplement for a while. But to be clear–the cranberry supplement won’t cure any underlying physical issue, which is why you must speak to your psych doc about this. Trust me, doctors have heard about far more embarrassing stuff than this, but it’s all good. I’m so sorry about your dad.

Dieting and an engagement disaster.

I lost ten pounds late last year, but I haven’t lost anymore since, I don’t think. I’m fine with this. I have to go through periods of losing and then periods of maintaining, during which I take a deep breath and get ready to lose more.

I’m not interested in starvation, but it takes extreme discipline to not let myself eat any snack food. I’ve gone a bit downhill with the snack food, but I haven’t gone off the deep end. This is good. The deep end would be pints of ice cream, huge slices of cake, an entire box of Wheat Thins, etc. The “middle ground” consists of snacking on breakfast cereal, Lara bars, and small bags of baked potato chips. That’s where I find myself at present.

I’m fully committed to losing all (or most) of the weight I need to lose this year. So if I go through periods of middle ground, I think that’s okay. Maybe even after I lose the weight, I can maintain it by going back and forth from the middle ground to all-out calorie counting.

I feel sort of fat, but I haven’t been to the gym. This time of year, I’d almost rather have my teeth pulled. (No, I wouldn’t.) But I hate exercise. I wish I could ride my bike, but the weather needs to be a little bit nicer. I think I might talk myself into it soon.

The self-help book I was reading about our shadow sides says that we rationalize and justify unhealthy eating instead of facing our needy inner child, or something like that. I think the author’s onto something, but not quite enough to be helpful. I mean, with me, anyway, I feel like I have bad habits, and I feel as if eating healthy requires constant mental vigilance which I don’t always have the energy for. Eating healthy also requires regular planning and preparedness. I feel like the issue on my end is one of habits and preferences. There aren’t many  healthy foods that I like, so I have to eat the ones I do like often enough to get sick to death of them. You can only eat brown rice so often before it becomes the enemy. And don’t even try to feed me an apple. (I’m picturing comedian Chris Kattan as Mr. Peepers.)

But I think that if I try to make it a lifestyle to keep going from healthy to middle ground, I might be onto something. For one thing, it takes away the fear of having to make a lifelong commitment to healthy eating. That’s hard. I mean, we should all be able to eat some cake every now and again, no matter what. So I’m looking at it as a majority-of-the-time lifestyle, but not as a death sentence. I think I need to keep exerting effort, and then relaxing a bit, and repeat.

In other news, I’ve been doing hours and hours of unpaid data entry, i.e., I’ve been trying to find a literary agent. It takes colossal effort, and it’s rendering me braindead. (It doesn’t take much.) And I have no idea if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. But I’m hopeful that The Enervation of Eve will be the book that makes my career appear.

I miss writing. Aside from the short story I wrote for my contest last week, I haven’t written any fiction in ages. I have some ideas for a new novel, but I don’t want to start writing it until I’m waiting to hear from agents. But in a few days, I’ll be able to share my story both here… and on the forum, which is where all hell broke loose this time last year. They’d better behave themselves this year, or else.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: My fiancée and I are supposed to get married next month; I’m eight months pregnant. Everything was good until he started acting weird about his Facebook. He always gave me his password, and out of nowhere decided to change it and didn’t want me on his Facebook. Red flag. And we said we’d only add family, but he started adding all these female friends. It made me feel uncomfortable and I thought to myself, “Well I guess I can have friends too.” But he got upset about that, so we both decided to remove friends. I did, he didn’t. I noticed a girl hearting and reacting to his posts, which hurt my feelings. I brought it up, he got upset with me. I went to my parents to give us some space. I came back home because I couldn’t sleep. He was giving me an attitude, but once he went to sleep, I checked his phone to see that he’s download this textapp just to try to get ahold of his ex a day before his birthday, which was this month. I left. He called me, pissed, asking where the f*** I was. Anyways cut to the point. He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about. Now today, he’s trying to be all sweet talking about our wedding. I don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to detach myself and leave, but I don’t know what to do… I feel numb and hurt.

Kind querent: He’s gaslighting you, and I’m so sorry. All the signs are there–the fact that he’s using a double standard, the way he’s blaming you for his actions, and his unjustifiable anger at you for speaking up. This is not your pregnancy hormones at play. Don’t let him convince you that it is.

I sort of wish you weren’t eight months pregnant with his baby. Just sayin’. But please don’t marry him next month (or ever). He’s not marriage material, nor is he someone you and your coming child should be living with. I’d consult an attorney regarding collecting child support from him. You’ll also have to work out a custody agreement.

He’s going to keep piling on the charm, but I hope you can see past it. I’d research gaslighting if I were you. Also, if you can’t bring yourself to break up with him, don’t drop the issue of his social media secrecy. Keep bringing it back up. Make him be answerable for it. If you can’t have male friends on social media, then he doesn’t get to have female friends. Don’t buckle on the double-standard stuff. Eventually, you’ll see that he’s being flagrantly manipulative.




Forever is a long time!

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: My ex has a new boyfriend and hates me, do I have any sort of chance? We were together for a year, during which she lived with her previous ex as she had nowhere to go. This caused a lot of paranoia from me and eventually by the end of a year together we had fallen out over stupid things, said and done horrible things to each other… however always coming back together and the love felt electric again. This time its different. we broke up just before Christmas, we ended up spending Christmas together and had a lovely time, spent new years together too. Now, a week or two since we’ve seen each other, she has rapidly gotten into a fresh relationship with some guy she has just met and moved out to immediately live with him and his family! Talk about rushing! (Possible rebound, but now she lives with him?) I’m now blocked on all social media and she says she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I’ve heard this before and we have come back from this, but this time, with her having a new partner I’m not so sure. What would you do? i appreciate the sensible response is to move on, forget, etc, but it’s eating me up. I’m open to all opinions, however harsh they may be.

Kind querent: I’m glad you’re open to harsh opinions.

Might I postulate that you’re addicted to this relationship? The highs, the  lows, the who-knows? It’s like a drug. I’ve been in similar situations, and this is what I recommend: spend a month (mark it on your calendar) going cold-turkey off your ex-girlfriend. Don’t let yourself try to contact her (or her new boyfriend) for an entire month.

Every time you get the urge to connect with her, look at the calendar. Has it been a month yet? No? Then distract yourself and do something else. Anything else.

This is where things get tricky, because I suspect she will be coming back at some point. No, quit celebrating. This isn’t good news, kind querent. You need to realize that she’ll never be back for good. The on-again, off-again pattern will continue forever.


The pain, the agony, the highs, the lows, it will never end. Unless you walk away and stay away. You don’t like letting her yank your chain, so rise above it and walk away. If you don’t, I can promise you that you’ll feel this level of misery into the foreseeable future.

Look at this objectively: she enjoyed you for the holidays and then jumped into someone else’s bed (and his house!). Yes, it will require a great deal of inner strength to walk away, but it’s your responsibility to quit being her plaything. One month. You can do it!

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: I’m experiencing this strange mental phenomenon and I don’t know what it’s called. It’s difficult to explain, so here’s an example: I tell myself: “If I don’t climb up that tree, I’m not gonna get my dream job two years from now. If I do climb up that tree, I’ll get my dream job two years from now.” Or while I’m doing math I tell myself: “If I don’t get this question right, I have terrible luck for the next 5 years.” “If I don’t get to 40 pushups in this one go, I’ll be tortured in the afterlife and suffer for an eternity.” Completely unrelated things pop into my mind… Some people say it’s a good way for self-motivation but it really scares me and makes me anguished on a daily basis. And I get really anxious, worried, and start to physically tremble when I screw my own deal up. It’s ridiculous. We should all know that we’re not gonna have bad luck for five years just for not climbing up a tree or doing one math problem correctly, but it really affects me. And, I don’t want to keep doing this to myself, but it causes me to act impulsively. Does anyone know the name for this condition? Is anyone else experiencing it?

Kind querent: You’re giving power to superstitious thoughts, and you’ve got to quit. It could lead to more OCD behaviors, so if I were you, I’d nip it in the bud now. Here’s how you can “cancel” it:

Inner thoughts: If I climb the tree, I’ll be lucky for three weeks. If I don’t climb the tree, I’ll be unlucky for three weeks.

Add this thought on:

Inner thoughts: If I ignore this silly superstition, my life will continue as it’s meant to. I think that’s the best choice.

And then reorient yourself toward something else.

If that doesn’t work, then you should consider seeing a counselor. You seem to have OCD tendencies, and in the absense of professional help, your best bet is going to be to discourage that sort of thinking.

Adultery and boxes.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: My husband cheated on me numerous times with numerous different women. I know he has demons he’s fighting with drugs and infidelity, and it got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore and moved out. I haven’t spoken to him and he hasn’t contacted me. I want him back but I realize that I need to love him unconditionally. I have realized he may never change, but I made a vow to him and I want to honor that even though he wouldn’t do it for me. How do I stay and be the support he needs to change, without being disrespected. I have been thinking about going over to the house to cook, set his clothes out, clean and pack his lunch while he’s at work. I know that sounds silly because he doesn’t deserve it, but I’m hoping he will see that I still care and start to think about his behavior. Is this a good idea or should I just go no contact?

A little background: we’ve been married two years, he’s had a baby on me, and he’s cheated our entire marriage. He also has impulse and substance abuse issues. We are both 29. Why am I deciding to stay (but leave)? Because I want him to love me. I want to be there for him. I want to be the type of woman that doesn’t leave when things get rough but that also stands her ground. He’s made mistakes but I love him and although now I don’t really feel like he loves me I’m hoping he does.

Kind Querent: You’ve got some false virtues going on. A false virtue is when you think it’s noble or good to do something, but in reality, it’s not. You want to support him so he can make changes. But he’s given no indication that he wants to change, so he probably won’t. The fact that you want to honor your wedding vows seems virtuous, but he doesn’t deserve your honor. He’s shown that he doesn’t take wedding vows seriously, so you’re essentially off the hook to uphold your vows. Don’t be there for him. Don’t care about him. Don’t excuse his behavior. Don’t tolerate his sins. It’s a false virtue to be forgiving with the hopes of changing someone who doesn’t want to change. If you want to forgive him for your own peace of mind, then feel free. But don’t forgive him and then continue to let him hurt you in the same ways over and over again. At this point, it would even be helpful for you to be (and stay) mad at him; that would protect you better from his cheating ways than your urge toward forgiveness and tolerance, neither of which he deserves. Put yourself first and write him off.

And please, no matter what happens, don’t have unprotected sex with him, like, ever.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: My boyfriend and I were not on good terms and had put distance between one another. My close friend needed to move ASAP. She had found movers, but I wanted to still support my boyfriend, so I reached out to him for the job. (He’s a mover.) So, he gave me a quote based on the square feet of her apartment. His quote was just about the amount she had budgeted. He asked about boxes? I told him she doesn’t have any. He said he could provide them, but it would cost. I told him since I know she doesn’t have enough for it, I can come up with the money for the boxes for her.

I went to his job to go pick them up a week later and found out his workplace actually has new and used boxes in their warehouse. The used boxes are available to anyone who wants them. I felt hurt and used that someone who knows my money is already tight, would make me pay for something that I could have gotten for free but wanted to profit off me. I barely had it to help my friend get them but I wanted to help her and support him. Am I overreacting by feeling taking advantage of? 

Kind querent: You’re not overreacting, but you might be jumping to conclusions. It’s possible that your boyfriend, as an employee of the company, isn’t supposed to take the used boxes. It’s also possible that he already took many boxes for another friend and was then told to not take so many boxes. Or perhaps he knew the used boxes wouldn’t be enough for your friend. Or maybe the warehouse was out of used boxes at the time.

Since he stepped in and got her moved, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn’t have to accept the job.

Anxiety is the theme.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: How can I cope with anxiety during a conflict? During any conflict I have an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, especially when arguing with my partner. He is able to go about his life, laugh and enjoy stuff (even when he’s in the wrong) but I’m stuck in a dark place, not knowing what to do with myself, with my thoughts running around, shortness of breath and being alert. I know I depend heavily on the emotional wellbeing of those close to me and I can’t seem to function at times of a conflict or when there is an unhealed wound that the other side chooses to dismiss. Any tips?

Kind Querent: It sounds like you have a fear of conflict. Perhaps you’re afraid that disagreeing with someone equals the death of your relationship. In some cases, this is true, but usually over major things, like whether you want to have kids or which city you want to live in. And even then, it’s not the conflict itself that’s ending the relationship, but rather the inability to have similar priorities.

In your case, there’s an episode of Friends I’d like you to watch. It’s called “The One With the Kips.” (And no, I have no idea what the kips are.) In it, Chandler and Monica argue over something, which leads Chandler to assume their relationship is over. Monica then realizes why none of his previous relationships have lasted, and she lets him know that it’s not the end of the world to disagree.

It might also help you to ask your partner this question: “If we’re disagreeing or arguing over something, does it mean our relationship is in jeopardy?” Just see what he says. He sounds like the kind of guy who’s very much “with it” and grounded, so he might be able to offer you some perspective.

If you’re anxious in other ways as well, you might want to seek professional help. Anxiety bites.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: I am 27 years old and I get anxiety about going to the store by myself which keeps me from stocking up on food. I always have to have someone come with me. I don’t know why. How can I over come this? I don’t know why I’m scared. I just feel my ears plug and the sides of my face get warm and I just feel everyone is judging me. I know they aren’t and even if some are, who cares? But at the moment I just get so nervous. How do I overcome this?

Kind Querent: I’d recommend that you see a psychiatrist. I can’t tell if you’re paranoid, extremely self-conscious, or agoraphobic, but whatever it is, you need help. Please get help now, before you start avoiding other places. Trust me, you don’t want this to escalate to all aspects of leaving home.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: How can I become self-reliant and self-motivated? I’m living in a city without friends for the first time ever, and I’m single. I’ve only been in my job for a few months, and I live with strangers who don’t really have any similar interests, so I’m struggling to stay motivated. I guess without realizing I’ve always needed the belief and motivation from those around me to get me to do things, but now I’m on my own I’m really struggling. I have a full-time job but to succeed in my dreams (filmmaking/creative goals) I need to be working on side projects outside of work, but when I get home I have no motivation.

On the weekends, because I don’t have friends texting me to make plans, I struggle to get out of bed early or be productive. At uni I was always pushed to do more and I had that drive because I was around creative people, but I don’t really believe in myself, I’ve found. I didn’t know I was this kind of person until recently. There’s been a lot going on and I’m new to the working world having only graduated last year, but I need to find a way to rely on myself completely and just commit to my goals. I’m starting to get depressed and I need to change that.

Kind Querent: Whoa. You’re being way too hard on yourself. Think of all you’ve accomplished so far! Living on your own (and yes, living with roommates counts), working full-time, and doing it all in a new city, no less! There’s no reason for you to feel bad about your efforts. From my perspective you seem quite successful, and I’m impressed!

You can’t keep forcing yourself to pursue your filmmaking passion while adjusting to your new full-time job, so I’d recommend that you spend the next six months just getting used to your new routine and letting yourself do whatever with your free time. (My recommendations would be to find some local friends and/or get involved with fun activities, but with no pressure to pursue your passions at this point.) You’re trying too hard to do it all right now, but you don’t have to. Working full-time in and of itself is huge! To many people, that is success. You should embrace that success without expecting yourself to become super-successful by tomorrow. You’re doing great! Keep it up!



The spare bedroom beckons.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: My partner and I have been together nearly four years, which means our entire adult lives. (I’m twenty-one and he’s twenty-two.) We’ve lived together for two years, sharing a room for the last one. Lately I’ve been feeling somewhat unhappy and losing the love for him, but I’m also undergoing some mental-health treatment for depression that’s throwing my emotions all over the place for no reason. I’ve been fantasizing a lot, not about being single, but about moving into our spare room, and us having our own rooms again–sharing a bed when we want but having our own spaces again. I’m kinda scared that we’re growing up too fast as a couple and I’ve never had a chance to really live as an independent adult. Would moving into a different room be a good idea? Does anyone have any experience? Or am I delaying the inevitable (a break-up)? Also how should I approach the convo with him?

Kind Querent: You’ve been with this man since you were seventeen, and you’ve got a lot going on in your life right now. I do think you should move into the spare bedroom, but don’t make it about your relationship–make it about you. You need a place of your own.

Relationships don’t have to follow traditional patterns. For example, married couples don’t have to sleep in the same room. Often, they’ll opt not to because of snoring or incompatible sleep schedules, but there’s no bad reason to have your own space.

You might be on the verge of “outgrowing” your relationship–not because of anything you or he has done wrong, but because you haven’t had a chance to live your own life yet. If you break up, it’s not a failure on your part or his. But keep an open mind. Maybe you can move out, but still be together. Maybe you can live in the spare bedroom but come to miss his company. Keep the lines of communication open and be kind to yourself.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: I’m pregnant and I want to quit my nannying job. First of all I’m fully aware that pregnancy is not a disability or a reason to not work, but let me explain my situation. I take care of twins and they are 3 years old. Lately they’ve become very disobedient and find things like kicking me, often time in my stomach and legs funny. There’s only so much I’m allowed to do to discipline them and they just don’t listen to me anymore. I’ve voiced my concerns to their parents multiple times but nothing has changed. I don’t want to leave the family on short notice but I’m going on seven months pregnant and the stress is taking a toll on me. I’ve been with the family since the children were 2 months old and I don’t want to ruin the relationship I have with them.

Kind Querent: Oh my. I’d recommend discussing maternity leave with the parents. I mean, they don’t expect you to give birth and then come right back to work, do they? If they won’t “allow” you to take maternity leave until your baby’s born, then I’d recommend that you quit the job because you need more maternity leave. Act like you’re having a hard time getting around because your unborn child weighs a ton. This will put you in a prime position to focus on yourself for a while and not be stressed. Several months from now, when you’re ready to return to work, check in with the parents and say you’re available. They probably will have hired someone new, which means you’ll be off the hook. But with no bad blood with them, they’ll probably give you a great reference to a new family.

As for wanting to give them notice, give as much as possible; but keep in mind that they haven’t worked with you to solve the problems at all. Even though you should play coy and not let them know why you’re really quitting, this is partly their fault. I wouldn’t feel guilty about leaving them in the lurch.



Announcing Ask Mesmerizing Meg!

Hi! I’ve decided to start my own advice column, mostly for entertainment purposes. I’m going to find questions submitted online that haven’t been answered yet and attempt to answer them. I just wish I could get my blog looking prettier. It’s hard to start a blog at WordPress!

I’ll edit the questions I find for grammar, but not in a way that changes the question. For the heck of it, I’m going to name my column Dear Mesmerizing Meg. I’ll pretend the letters are addressed to me.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: I’m a 27-year-old guy, and I am looking for some advice. I met this girl, and she seemed really cool and down to earth. She was so easy to talk to. We have a lot of the same interests and work in the same field. The thing is, I found out today she is only 19. She works full-time as a teaching assistant, goes to school part-time, and has lived on her own for a couple years because she graduated early. She is very independent for 19. She did say on occasion she likes to smoke a Black & Mild in a bubble bath and has a vape she likes to hit, but that’s the only bad thing she does. What should I do? I can’t stop thinking about how she’s only 19 and I am looking for someone my own age? She really wants a chance, but I just don’t know what to do.

Kind Querent: I wouldn’t normally have an issue with a twenty-seven-year old dating a nineteen-year-old. However, in your case, I do take issue. The tone of your letter implies that you’re looking for someone with more vices (along the lines of smoking cigars in the bathtub and vaping, for example). You imply that she’s not yet adult enough to be engaging in even worse vices. Given that set of circumstances, I don’t think you should date her. Instead of rolling your eyes at her innocent naivete, let her find someone who appreciates her virtue. You aren’t the one.

Dear Mesmerizing Meg: I have a fiery and super-short-tempered wife who loses her cool the moment something doesn’t work the way she wanted. Sometimes she blurts out really nasty things which I fear is beginning to push me away. I mean literally since the weeks she found out she was pregnant, I’ve been dealing with this. Its been 7 months of verbal and emotional abuse. Ive been called every name in the book and it seem like just being in the same room as her annoys her to her core. On top of that, she has no desire for intimacy so it’s also been 7 months since we made love. But I love her very much and I want to provide and give her a happy life because, when calm, she is an amazing person to be around and we are excited to be expecting a daughter in two month. I really don’t know how to approach or calm her down without aggravating her, so I just find myself distancing away from her to give her space, which does work sometimes, but even that at times annoys her because she thinks I am sulking when I stay away and say nothing to her. She is a good person at heart.

Kind Querent: You mentioned that the problem started when the pregnancy was discovered. For that reason, I strongly suspect your wife has postpartum issues (I’d guess anxiety) which, despite its name, can begin during pregnancy. Your wife needs professional help to get through this, and quite honestly, you sound like a great guy to be so understanding and supportive of her difficult pregnancy.

Postpartum issues such as anxiety can be hormonal and/or situational. Based on how this started when the pregnancy was discovered, I’d wager anything that there are situational factors going on here. You say you and she are excited to have a daughter soon, but your wife is probably having some anxiety.

Try to get her to agree to discuss this with her doctor ASAP. You could also make an emergency therapist appointment. And if you think the problem will go away when the baby comes, it won’t. Good luck.

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