I slept late today, until 1:30, and had a hard time surfacing. I kept falling back into dreams. In particular, I dreamt my brother was living in our spare room in the basement, and for whatever reason, I was sleeping in his bed. And he’d catch me and say, “What the hell are you doing, sleeping in my bed?” And I’d have no answer.
I learned dream interpretation, so let’s see what that dream means… well, it’s rather arcane, but it’s my subconscious way of letting me know that I could’ve relaxed yesterday without bingeing on junk food and other excess. Basement = unconscious mind, i.e., unawareness. Brother (in my case) = my tendency to try to eat healthy, which I admire. (A sibling = an aspect of your mind that you’re familiar with, and that pertains to said real-life sibling. My brother is a freakishly healthy eater whom I admire.) Being in bed = my efforts at relaxation which, in real life yesterday after my ordeal with Mother, involved binge eating cake and fried chicken. So the side of myself that admires my brother’s healthy eating was mad at me for binge eating and blaming it on my overwhelmedness instead of staying present and making healthier choices.
I have to admit that I could’ve held off on the excess, but I was so damned stressed that it wasn’t even going to be attempted. I was like, you know what? I’m dying inside, and I need cake. Period, end of story. I’m not mad at myself, but it’s going to set back my weight-loss efforts, obviously.
Fortunately, today, after eating the second half of yesterday’s cake, I ate a healthy salad with grilled chicken strips for dinner, which is a great sign. It shows I’m falling back onto habits of eating a healthy dinner that I’ve worked hard to put into place. Go me! And then after dinner, I started a new habit of taking some liquid ginger supplement in an effort to suppress my appetite for the rest of the day. I’m hoping that dinner can be the last food I eat before bed. If it doesn’t work tonight, though, it won’t be a huge deal. I doubt I’ve gotten enough calories today, even with the cake. I doubt ginger can overcome massive hunger. But by tomorrow, I can try the ginger after a day of normal eating. (There’s no more cake.) So we’ll see how it goes.
Also today I’ve been working on my submissions, and I’ve started sending them out! I might be able to get it all done within a few days. My spreadsheet is finally being put to good use. I’m submitting thus far to all the agents who don’t request a synopsis. I’m still working on my synopsis, so it’s not yet ready to go, but it should be ready within a day or so. And then I’ll circle back to the other agents. It’s not hard to write a synopsis; it’s just tedious because you have to list every single scene in the whole book and condense it into a page or two. In theory, I should already have one ready lest an agent should write and say, “I loved your query! Can you send me your synopsis?” But if push were to come to shove, I could have one completed in two hours, tops, and email it to the agent at that time. So I’m not sweating it. (Plus, that only happens in my fantasies.)
I got my flavor syrups in the mail today. I shop from Monin’s website. They have probably over a hundred flavor syrups. My dad gets me unsweet tea from local restauraunts, and I flavor it with the syrups. This time, I chose wild raspberry, wild blackberry, wildberry, wild strawberry, and black raspberry. They all smell divine, but maybe I should’ve gone for more variety! Aside from the wild strawberry, the other four are quite similar. Oh well. I like them, so that’s what counts!
They also have coffee-themed flavors, for any of you coffee lovers out there. And there are cocoa flavors: chocolate-chip cookie, coconut, vanilla, caramel, dark chocolate, etc., all of which nicely complement cocoa. And their cucumber flavor goes great with lemonade. They also have flavors you could put into bottled carbonated water, with which to instantly make your own soft drink. (Hint: try peach and vanilla combined.) Each large bottle is around twelve dollars, with free shipping over twenty-five dollars. I found an online promo code and got all five flavors today for forty-eight dollars.
I’ve been doing better with my spending as well. I’ll be in good position if Mother pays me the two-hundred dollars she darned well owes me for yesterday. While walking with my dad today, he remarked, “I really think two-hundred dollars is a bit cheap for what you did yesterday.”
“You’re right. I should charge her five-hundred dollars,” I muttered.
“No, I said two-hundred dollars is a bit steep.”
Within three seconds, he regretted saying as much. I went on a tirade in which I reminded him of every single bullet point in my recent post. Pretty soon, as I got louder and more carried away, you could tell he wished he hadn’t said anything. [Eyeroll.] No way was I going to let him think that Mommy shouldn’t have to pay for her evil ways. And she made me drive her home (and then drive myself home) during rush hour in the rain, which puts me in a dangerous position of praying I won’t crash. And if I had crashed? Whose fault would it have been? There would be bills that would make two-hundred dollars look piddly. Healthcare bills. Car repair bills.
But I owe my dad some money this month, and if he wants to collect it, he’ll darned well tell my mom that she owes me two-hundred dollars. (I’m not currently speaking to her for obvious reasons.)
One thing I hate about my dad is how he plays both sides of the fence. He probably comforts my mom by saying, “You know Meg can’t handle too much exertion. She’s mentally ill, and it overwhelms her,” which is worthy of facepalming. I could’ve successfully taken a well-behaved person to the doctor yesterday without shutting down from the stress. So essentially, what my dad’s saying to her is, “You can only bully her so much without it completely blowing up in your face, so you ought to tone it down and enjoy getting a few good zings at her without aiming for overkill.” And that attitude is unconscionable. I’m not anyone’s voodoo doll. I am, however, my mom’s crazy toy, and I always have been.
Wow, now I’m angrier. Yep, my dad had better get that money from my mom, or otherwise he won’t be getting it at all.
See, I work within the confines of my stress by, in this instance, taking Mother via the long route to the doctor’s and by planning on bringing her here for dinner to avoid rush hour traffic. She finds ways to circumvent my safety measures for her own entertainment. Like that tantrum she threw, when she insisted I take her home in rush hour? I should’ve left her on the side of the road. She’d be crying elder abuse in two seconds. What I really should’ve done was to bring her home and then make her my dad’s problem. He could’ve taken her home at that point, and I’d be spared the rush hour. This is why I think my dad should advocate for me with my mom–when I’m taking her to the doctor, or taking her home, he isn’t. Oh well.