Do you ever find yourself tracking people from your past, keeping an eye on them online, that sort of thing? Well, I’ve been doing that with Ash, my former friend whom I haven’t heard one word from. I have a stalker facebook account, and I think she knew I was using it, because she deleted all her posts (or made them non-public, rather) back when she and I quit being friends, except for the post that says she’s a psychic. (And let me emphasize that she’s a very talented and gifted psychic. Her powers never cease to amaze me.)
So today I checked in with my stalker profile and found this lone public post:
And you have to wonder if she’s trying to trigger me. Nothing upsets me quite as much as A Christmas Story and its treatment of children. So here we have a photo of Ralphie eating the soap and the caption: “Adultism and child abuse.” (In that part of the movie, we also hear a boy getting beaten through the phone. Hilarious.)
I have no idea what adultism is, but I looked it up, and it involves being prejudiced against kids, like racism, ageism, etc. So I guess the point is to take a rather tongue-in-cheek discussion of child abuse and make it seem funny, or something, like it’s all about how people are just prejudiced against kids. (I clicked and watched part of the video. I sort of regret that now.)
Ash absolutely knows about my abuse issues, seeing as she was my psychic. It’s interesing, because my strong hunch is that she was never abused. It’s just a hunch. She never talked about her family, but that was because she had the virtue of not wanting to air her family’s dirty laundry. You gotta admire that. I certainly don’t share that virtue. She has daddy issues (but who doesn’t?), but my sense is that it’s because her parents had her later in life and there’s a sizeable age difference there. I’ve never sensed any abuse, but obviously I could be wrong.
If I didn’t know better–and this is crazy, I realize that–she’s jealous of what I’ve suffered in life because she herself hasn’t had to struggle to overcome anything. She’s sort of… well… entitled. I don’t really like to say that, but she seems to have this attitude of, like, I can manifest whatever I want without having to work for it. Like, why should I have to spend time and effort building my psychic business when I could just snap my fingers and be instantly successful?
She was very successful as a psychic until she raised her rates to $50,000 a year. Thinking about it now reminds me of Icarus flying too close to the sun.
So if she’s genuinely taking shots at me, I can’t help but wonder, why? I’ve never been mean to her or anything like that. We bickered a few times, but who hasn’t? My dad thinks she’s angry at the world because of the whole entitlement/manifestation thing not working out for her. I can see that.
But her being envious of what I’ve suffered is ridiculous. There’s nothing glamorous about experiencing child abuse. If I ever make it seem otherwise, then I’m obviously doing something wrong. It’s dramatic, yes. It’s intense and life-altering, yes. But it’s not glamorous. Quite the opposite. And the pain never fully goes away.
And then you think you’re doing fine, and you stumble upon a post like that one while you’re oh-so-innocently internet-stalking your former friend. (I’m rolling my eyes at myself. I realize that I should quit with the internet-stalking. But come on. We all do it. I don’t think it pales in comparison to in-person stalking, but I could be wrong.)
So I’m hypothesizing that Ash is feeling bad, and is therefore trying to drag me down with her. I have no idea why she would want to do that. I have no animosity toward her at all, and you all know how often I have animosity toward people. (All the freakin’ time!) I just wish she’d be sensible and be my friend again. That’s probably too much to hope for, especially if that post was targeted at me. We all know I’m paranoid, but sometimes they really are out to get you. I don’t know. She sort of broke my heart. I don’t take the ends of friendships very well. I never have. It feels to me like a death of everything that matters. To me, friendship is sacrosanct. If you walk away from it and refuse to come back, then… you’ve just destroyed something beautiful.
But Ash had loads of friends, I recall. Aside from me, they were all her age of 27 or thereabouts. I must’ve been a poor judge of character, because I never choose to be friends with people who treat relationships like they’re disposable. When I became fully paranoid and psychotic in 2005, I had NO ONE in my life anymore except my dad. There were years of darkness and fear. Whenever a stranger on the sidewalk would smile at me, I’d recoil and wonder what they were scheming at.
That’s something else Ash hasn’t experienced, so she takes people for granted, not appreciating how rare and special it is to connect with someone, how sacred and valuable that is. She discarded me as though she had a bushel of grapes and I was a damaged one. Such an embarrassment of riches, to have that many friends!
So I suspect she needs to grow up a bit. I’m sure we’ve all been there, so I’m not trying to sound judgey.
Ash!! I’m not the enemy! I’m just your social media stalker. [Facepalm.] Please! Come back!
Eventually I’ll quit checking her social media. I’m not at that point yet, because I can’t let go of the emotional connection to her. It nags at me like a sad piece of music. [Meg! Put down the headphones.]
Well, anyway, I suspect that she sees me as the enemy because she senses that I have more common sense than she’s shown lately. That’s on me. I upset her a few times by trying to sound reasonable. (I’m not trying to come across as sarcastic there. That’s exactly what happened.) She’s entitled to her beliefs, and I like her beliefs, so it would be faulty to say that I look down on her beliefs. I think her awarenesses of life beyond this plane are amazing and that she’s divinely connected.
Where we differ is that I have more practical awareness, and she sees that as a threat to her beliefs. I never wanted that to happen. I tried to, you know, keep quiet about such things. I think it might’ve slipped out, though, and that’s on me. Oh well. [Makes face.]
It just hurts because she and I were really close and we shared a lot. And now, this. It just destroys something within me when friendships dissolve. I have no way of coming to terms with it, or of making sense of it. But… it is what it is.
I’ve had friendships end where it was more of an issue of incompatibility. I’d email the person and they’d not reply, and I’d get the picture. It was more of an issue of that connection or click not being there. That happens. But once I’m fully engaged with someone, losing the relationship just kills me.