I had some sort of bizarre realization last night before bed. I had no idea what to make of it. I suddenly felt as if I don’t actually want a significant other. And for me that’s a very weird and unfamiliar feeling.
It started because I joined a singles group on social media for people who live in my city. Unfortunately, the other singles are vulgar and offensive in what they post. Like: If you’re feeling down, just know that there’s someone out there whose new year’s resolution is to bang you. Or: I want to see something cool. Not a meme or a filtered selfie, but a picture you’ve taken. Your farm, your pet, the sky, your asshole, flowers. I don’t care. Show me. And the asshole part was crossed off. Yuck.
So I don’t know if I’m having a visceral reaction to that level of perversion, because to a certain extent it seems perverted to me to want to have sex because someone’s sexy. There has to be a human layer to it, or it’s just… carnal and sinful.
So that got me to thinking that people only get romantically involved IF the other person is sexy and attractive enough to be suitable. This has nothing to do with merit, like how you might get into college by studying hard and writing a great entrance essay. It has nothing to do with anything that can be controlled. Sure, you can work out and exercise and eat healthy, but none of that can radically change what you look like in a unique sense.
And then I realized that if someone is in love with me because of what I look like, then that person’s shallow, and I don’t want to be with someone who’s shallow. Personally, I think I’m stunningly sexy. (Except for when I’m seeing my reflection in fluorescent lights. Ugh.) But guys think I’m a dog. All of that just adds to the confusion.
I think this might be my demisexuality acting up. I don’t understand going after someone because they’re good-looking. I get it if they’re good-looking AND you like their personality; but with dating, it seems to be, “Okay, you’re pretty enough, so let’s go out and get to know each other,” or, “Sorry, you’re a dog. It’s not going to happen.” None of that sits right with me. And so it occurred to me that what I’ve always wanted–a soulmate of a romantic nature (I have soulmates in my life who aren’t romantic, like my dad, for example)–is maybe something I don’t want after all. None of it seems right to me.
One guy on the singles facebook page is ugly. I feel genuinely sorry for him. He’s morbidly obese, and his double chin goes under his face from ear to ear. He’s probably doomed to a lifetime of no action, but then again, so am I, apparently. Ugh. At any rate, I unfollowed the group, and that should help my mindset. I have a pure mind that’s easily tainted by others’ filth. And to me there’s nothing filthier than being attracted to body parts separate from the human who owns them.