I feel better! I slept quite soundly for hours and hours last night, and then I realized something. Well, a few things:
- What my parents did to me was senseless, and therefore no sense can be made of it.
- It’s not my burden to make sense of senseless acts, and to try to make it seem “okay” inside my head.
- I shouldn’t be responsible for their feelings of guilt, or for any of their feelings.
Speaking of that bullet point, yesterday my mom gave me a guilt trip for not taking her to her colonoscopy. She said, “I don’t know how you can travel halfway around the world to visit Sonya, but you can’t take me to my appointment.”
I was very tactful, and I blamed my cold and its subsequent fatigue. In truth, I think anyone would rather travel halfway around the world than take my mother to her colonoscopy.
And that’s what I mean. If it’s something like that, I don’t mind being tactful. But when it comes to the abuse I suffered, it really shouldn’t be my burden to make it okay for my parents.
- I’m entitled to my anger and inability to forgive. It’s not a weakness, and I can hold onto it for as long as I wish without its making me immoral or unvirtuous. That certainly doesn’t mean I go around harassing my parents about it. (I rarely bring it up.) It just means that I’m not a “bad” person if I want to stay angry. It’s okay. I’m allowed to feel this way.
And all of this makes me feel freer. Like, whew, not my burden. I wasn’t abusive. I don’t have to empathize with the anger or loss of control or poor judgment that my parents experienced. Not my burden. And of course, I’ve lost control of my own temper too many times to count. It bears mentioning, though, that I’ve never damaged a kid. Not once. There are mistakes, of which we all make, and then there are MISTAKES. The problem innate in MISTAKES is that they’re senseless, like I said, and if you try to make sense of them, you’ll just be going around and around in your head and never getting anywhere.
Sonya seems to think that I should forgive and empathize with my parents, but I’ve finally realized that I shouldn’t have to. They messed up. I suffered. And yet I have spent most of my adulthood treating their guilt as my own, like, how would I feel if I’d destroyed a child? How would I live with myself? And I’m finally realizing that it’s not my burden! I haven’t destroyed any children! And thank God for that!
So I wash my hands of my parents’ senseless acts. Whatever confusion has always made me think that I need to understand where they were coming from, or whatever, is gone. I don’t care where they were coming from, because it’s not on me. I’ve got my own problems. And shout-out to JYP for helping me realize this! Thanks!
And for those of you who’ve been riding this rollercoaster with me for years, thank you! Sorry it keeps going! I’d love to get off it already–you have no idea!! Maybe I’m closer to that!