I feel better!

I feel better! I slept quite soundly for hours and hours last night, and then I realized something. Well, a few things:

  • What my parents did to me was senseless, and therefore no sense can be made of it.
  • It’s not my burden to make sense of senseless acts, and to try to make it seem “okay” inside my head.
  • I shouldn’t be responsible for their feelings of guilt, or for any of their feelings.

Speaking of that bullet point, yesterday my mom gave me a guilt trip for not taking her to her colonoscopy. She said, “I don’t know how you can travel halfway around the world to visit Sonya, but you can’t take me to my appointment.”

I was very tactful, and I blamed my cold and its subsequent fatigue. In truth, I think anyone would rather travel halfway around the world than take my mother to her colonoscopy.

And that’s what I mean. If it’s something like that, I don’t mind being tactful. But when it comes to the abuse I suffered, it really shouldn’t be my burden to make it okay for my parents.

  • I’m entitled to my anger and inability to forgive. It’s not a weakness, and I can hold onto it for as long as I wish without its making me immoral or unvirtuous. That certainly doesn’t mean I go around harassing my parents about it. (I rarely bring it up.) It just means that I’m not a “bad” person if I want to stay angry. It’s okay. I’m allowed to feel this way.

And all of this makes me feel freer. Like, whew, not my burden. I wasn’t abusive. I don’t have to empathize with the anger or loss of control or poor judgment that my parents experienced. Not my burden. And of course, I’ve lost control of my own temper too many times to count. It bears mentioning, though, that I’ve never damaged a kid. Not once. There are mistakes, of which we all make, and then there are MISTAKES. The problem innate in MISTAKES is that they’re senseless, like I said, and if you try to make sense of them, you’ll just be going around and around in your head and never getting anywhere.

Sonya seems to think that I should forgive and empathize with my parents, but I’ve finally realized that I shouldn’t have to. They messed up. I suffered. And yet I have spent most of my adulthood treating their guilt as my own, like, how would I feel if I’d destroyed a child? How would I live with myself? And I’m finally realizing that it’s not my burden! I haven’t destroyed any children! And thank God for that!

So I wash my hands of my parents’ senseless acts. Whatever confusion has always made me think that I need to understand where they were coming from, or whatever, is gone. I don’t care where they were coming from, because it’s not on me. I’ve got my own problems. And shout-out to JYP for helping me realize this! Thanks!

And for those of you who’ve been riding this rollercoaster with me for years, thank you! Sorry it keeps going! I’d love to get off it already–you have no idea!! Maybe I’m closer to that!

8 thoughts on “I feel better!

      1. I’m sure the effects of this will be long-lasting for you and it’s really great! 🙂
        Oh yeah, I actually miss them too, but am having a super difficult time being productive lately as I’m sick, guess it’s my usual recurring bronchitis developing slowly, though I hadn’t had it in a long time so I thought it won’t be coming back anymore, or I must have caught a cold from Sofi who was sick recently, but looks more like the former so far. Anyway, whatever it is, it makes me real spaced out and exhausted and I’ve been freakishly unproductive the last few days which I really don’t like. Last night I slept for over 13 hours but I clearly must have needed it. 😀 So yeah, I also really hope I’ll be able to post the questions again real soon and do my language learning and everything else as normal as well. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh dear, I’m so sorry to hear it!! Ugh!! My dad gets chronic bronchitis as well!! I hope you feel better soon!! Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help!! 😮 You slept thirteen hours? I hear ya! 😀 I’ve been doing the same. I think in my case, I’ve finally lost the cold that I got in Prague, but for a while there, I was out like a light too. You and I are some of those rare people who are like, “Thirteen hours? I could’ve gone for fourteen! Very refreshing.” Oh yeah. [Nods.] I do believe deep sleep can be restorative, and if you’re sick and you wake up before you’ve gotten all that rest, you’ll just fall back to sleep for a nap. It blows my mind that some friends I have get by on five or six hours a night. Just shoot me, ’cause I wouldn’t survive that. 😮 Please take good care of yourself!! And keep us posted!! I hope you feel better so soon!! I’ll cross all my fingers for you!! YAY!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Totally, sleep is the most regenerating thing in the world! I can do with 5-6 hours of sleep but if I had to always sleep this little I think I’d get burnt out real quick. My Dad always sleeps very little and wakes up insanely early every day, and he was surprised how long I was sleeping, so I asked him out of curiosity what was the longest sleep he ever got, and he said nine hours!!! :O Like, that’s definitely not little to me, I can live on that just fine if I’m doing well and my sleep cycle is more or less normal, but it’s so unimpressive for the longest sleep time and I sort of feel for him even though for him it’s normal and okay. 😀
        Unfortunately last night I was a lot less lucky as I only got four hours of sleep, as I was waking up all the time having to blow my nose. I suppose I’m gonna get exhausted on this mini sleep quite soon but I’m sick after all so if that will happen I can just go to bed haha.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Nine hours?! 😀 That’s the most he’s ever slept? Goodness gracious!! 😀 Wow!! I suddenly want to ask my own dad!!

        Oh dear!! I hope you get a nap soon!! You must be conked out!! I would be!! I hope your bronchitis gets better soon too!!

        I agree that sleep is restorative! Sadly, I slept a long time last night but I was overheated and having distressing dreams and tossing and turning!! AAUGH! It’s a really good think I’ve started wearing my mouth guard. I can feel myself clenching my teeth over it all night long!! Goodness!! 😮

        Here’s hoping you and I both get good restorative sleep really soon!! YAY!!

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Oh no, I’m sorry you had such bad sleep last night. I absolutely hate being overheated while sleeping, it makes me super sluggish later on.
        Actually, it’s early evening now here already but I’m not as extremely drained and sleepy as I thought I would be, maybe because this is actually the first day ever since I got sick with this thing that I don’t have fever anymore and fever naturally makes you need to sleep even more and drains you faster than anything. I definitely am tired and will probably go to bed in a while, but I’m not sleepy tired so that’s pretty cool.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I’m feeling better, thanks!! My dad gave me a spare Heath bar to help boost my energy! (I’d eaten the healthy oatmeal, but that wasn’t helping me feel better.)

        Oh good! Yeah, it sounds like you might sleep quite regularly tonight!! YAY!! Here’s hoping!! Happy times!! If you sleep well tonight and I can get a nap, we’ll be all set!!

        Like

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