Lightbulb moment!

I feel so tired and sedate, as if I’ve been taking more sedatives than normal, which I haven’t been. I’m still fighting off the cold.

Sonya got me some gorgeous artwork in Prague! It got a bit bent up on the way home, though, but I still love it! Here’s a photo!

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The frame used to house my friendship collage, hence the segmented areas, but sadly a lot of people have quit being friends with me, so I took all the photos out. Oh well. [Makes face.] (If any of you out there want to be friends again, just come and find me! My inbox is always open!) Sigh.

I’ve been sleeping all the time. I think my dad suspects that I’m “recovering” from my trip. I disagree. I can tell I have a mild cold, and I’ve had it for about a week now. (I never recover quickly.) I’m not complaining, because I’ve never known a cold to be this asymptomatic.

I think I’m off the hook for taking my mom to her medical appointment tomorrow, and thank God! Sadly, my mom now thinks I’m mad at her. In interesting news, something occurred to me earlier that you’d think I would’ve realized decades ago: I think my mother has borderline personality disorder. Gasp! Ohhhh. Moment of truth.

Let’s look at the evidence, shall we? People with BPD often fear abandonment, so they subconciously-on-purpose push people away in order to create said abandonment, which you’d think would be counterintuitive, but by golly, that’s what they do. If I had a nickel for every time my mom’s whined and complained about being black-balled by one or more of her three children (myself included), I’d be rich. She does push people away. And then she conveniently plays the victim of this.

She was never abandoned as a child. However, when she was growing up (as the oldest), babies were revered, but then young children were loathed. I suspect that created a unique sort of abandonment.

In further evidence: she has these shifts that seem to have more to do with whatever’s going on in her life (circumstances) and less to do with the vagaries of her brain (brain chemistry). That would be consistent with a personality disorder rather than a major mental illness (such as depression or anxiety) in which the brain chemistry is involved.

She shifts from happy (not manic, just garden-variety happiness) to being overly critical and negative, to being extremely anxious and out of control, and then back to the middle-ground state of being overly critical and negative, and then back to happy, and so on, and so forth. No matter which phase she’s in, she’s always a diehard believer in facing life’s harsh realities. And trust me when I say that that has made her a terrible mother. The worst.

Further evidence: her relationships change frequently. Who’s in her corner and who’s not in her corner can never be guessed, except randomly. She broke up with her boyfriend recently and blames herself rather accurately, I fear.

More evidence: I suspect she has a changing sense of self. Her self-esteem and her view of herself tend to shift all the time, from what I can tell.

More evidence: obviously there’s something majorly wrong with her. I don’t think she’s a narcissist, but she can be. However, by definition, a narcissist is typically always narcissistic, not just sporadically. Her strange inconsistencies would be better accounted for with a diagnosis of BPD.

I think she also has depressive personality disorder, which might be NOS (not otherwise specified), meaning I just made it up and created it myself as a free-floating personality disorder that’s not listed in the DSM. Her extreme negativity, her critical nature, and her inability to see the positive of any situation are how I’d define it. It’s different than the manifestations of depression itself, which involves the brain chemistry; in my mom’s case, it’s just that she has a really negative outlook, which presumably has nothing to do with her brain chemistry.

Quite honestly I feel bad for typing this, because it makes people with brain-chemistry depression everywhere look bad. But it’s just my mother, I assure you, who has such a horrible attitude. Most people with brain-chemistry depression want to get better, but my mom clings to her self-righteousness with the fervor of a thousand suns.

Poor Mommy. It makes me sad. Oh well.

I’m reminded of when I went on the road with her in early 2015, and she wound up holding me hostage. The whole car ride, she kept baiting me and trying to get me to bite and get upset. I kept pushing her off and not taking the bait. You’d think this was masterful of me, but it merely caused her to up her game and become threatening, so I had to run upstairs to stay safe from her. So even though I was trying to be a delightful person to get along with, she has these patterns of alienating us and then, like I said, playing the victim over it. (“Oh, alas, alas, why don’t my children dote on me more often? I’m such a loving mother!”)

It just woudn’t surprise me at this point, if I were to discover that she has BPD.

2 thoughts on “Lightbulb moment!

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