You know how you tell someone you’ll do something, and that has meaning because it’s your word, and then you go back on it?
I told my mom months ago that I would take her to her colonoscopy this upcoming Friday. I’m officially bailing on her. My dad’s upset, obviously. He’s going to have to spend half an hour on the phone offering my mom reassurances about whomever he finds to take her from Visiting Angels (a company that works with old people). He tried to bribe me with $100 on top of whatever my mom pays me. That was hard to turn down, not because of the money but because I hate to do this to my dad. (Somehow I don’t feel bad about doing it to my mom, though. I mean, on her end, she’s begging for me to bail on her and create drama. She wins! Go figure.)
My dad made me promise to sleep on it tonight. Hmmph. Do you know what will happen if I sleep on it? I’ll get up just enough courage to do it, and then I’ll be digging my own grave. So even though I told him I’d sleep on it, I just now emailed my mom and told her I’m out.
I’m a huge believer in keeping my word, but I suspect my mom’s taking advantage of that, which isn’t cool. The original arrangement was that she’d take Uber or Lyft to the appointment, and I’d pick her up and take her home (for she’d be on anesthesia). Then, a few days ago, she peer-pressured me into agreeing to pick her up early in the morning and take her to the appointment. That was a mistake on her part. Whenever I’m faced with these horrifying tasks, making it worse increases the likelihood that I’ll run screaming before completing the task. Emphasis on before.
I started having anxiety about this task several days before I left Prague. Sonya was trying to talk me off the ledge. I just can’t do it. Sources of anxiety:
- I can’t order my mom (effectively) to be quiet in the car, but I need quiet to drive safely. I’m the sort of nervous driver who can’t drive and talk.
- I can’t handle hearing any more references to how she’s going to have to spend all day Thursday “cleaning herself out on the toilet”. On Friday, I’d have to hear the blow-by-blow of how that went, and I just can’t cope anymore.
- Interacting with office staff and/or nurses, etc., is excruciatingly difficult due to my paranoia. Add my mother, and… ugh.
- After her appointment, she wants to go to the fruit market. She squeezed an agreement for that out of me, too, a few days ago. Not smart of her. I get it that she needs food, but she’s never on her best behavior in stores. Add in my paranoia, and even her good behavior is hurtful to me. Ugh.
She’s been a bit of a victim lately. My sister has shunned her, so all my mom talks about is how much she misses seeing Li’l Sweets (my almost-two-year-old niece). She goes on and on about it. And it’s not just me. She went with my brother so he could buy a new car recently. (I finally got my car back!) Halfway through the car-buying process, according to my brother, my sister’s husband, Mr. Perfect, called my mom, and my mom was like, “When can I see Li’l Sweetmeats? Please bring her over behind your wife’s back! I must see her! Ohh, my life is horrible, my life is horrible… No, I’m not busy, I can talk.” And the car salesman was making faces at her, waiting for her to get off the phone, and my poor brother was squirming and doing that thing where we try to disappear.
Is the backlash I’m going to receive worth it at this point? Yes. I’m literally terrified of taking her on Friday. Terrified. I just can’t do it. I’ll have to find a way to make it up to my dad.
Anyway, to anyone out there reading this, don’t let me get roped back in. It’s not in the best interest of my mental wellbeing to be put in these situations. It’s just not. I’m not going to feel relieved until Saturday comes.