Dear Annie: I have a child with a woman who is 20 years younger than me. Having a child was not planned. I’m grateful for our child, but I’m not in love with her mother. I’ve tried to explain to her that I love her for the mother she is but that I’m not in love with her.
She found old letters in my closet from an ex that I was in love with over six years ago, and she wonders why I can’t love her the way I did my ex. I tried explaining to her that she isn’t my ex and what we have is completely different from that relationship.
Shortly after our daughter’s birth, things got rough between us, and she took my daughter and everything I’d bought for her. I did not get to see her for two months. Through a lot of court and financial upsets, I finally got to see my daughter. We now live together, just so that I can see my daughter and know that she’s taken care of — but I’m still not in love with her mother, nor do I trust her.
How do you get someone to understand you’re not in love with them and it’s best to go our separate ways co-parenting our child than to live in a distrustful, jealousy-filled environment? Avoiding each other isn’t a healthy environment in which to raise our daughter. — Loving Father, Concerned for his Daughter’s Well-Being (c) Annie Lane @ Creators.com
I’m guessing that Annie Lane’s advice, which I haven’t read yet, will include instructions to tell the child’s mother that she needs to put the child’s best interests first and be cooperative; which is ridiculous, because the mother isn’t exactly being openminded here. What Annie Lane should tell him (but probably won’t) is to employ some excellent legal counsel here. Instead, Annie Lane is going to wax intelligent about the need for a happy home to raise a well-adjusted child in. (Like, no kidding!)
Dear Loving Father: Everyone comes into our life for a reason. Some are meant to stay forever. Some are meant to teach us something. Some are meant to offer companionship or love or guidance.
You share a child with this woman, and that is something very special. But it doesn’t mean she is a good match as your life partner and vice versa. If she doesn’t understand that message, it’s best to speak with a couples therapist or mediator to help you two communicate.
And do let her know that although she is not the love of your life, she has given you something no one else can: your daughter.
Oh my gosh, it’s worse than I thought.
I was right about her waxing intelligent. I called that! Everyone comes into our life for a reason?! That’s Spirituality 101, but okay.
Her second paragraph is tepid. The mediator idea might be a good one, if only for the mother to realize, in no uncertain terms, that she can’t control this situation forever. The rest of the advice feels like fluff, because this guy knows she’s not a life partner. He’s living with her solely to be a father to their shared daughter without having to endure endless custody disputes.
He needs to be told in no uncertain terms to launch the best campaign for shared custody ever. The fact that this woman prevented him from seeing his daughter for two months should work in the letter writer’s favor. Not cool.
Let’s see what Dear Abby is up to!
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married (with some ups and downs) for 30 years. We are in our 50s and have two grown children. We enjoy an active love life except for one thing. He refuses to kiss me passionately before or during lovemaking. When I met him 35 years ago, he was the best kisser! Kissing helps me to get in the mood, but he says we’re “too old” for that.
I have talked to him about it, to no avail. My first thought was that my breath was bad, but he assured me it wasn’t. Is this normal? Am I asking too much? When we’re watching a movie together, I will say to him when the actors kiss, “They’re doing it, why can’t we?” and he rolls his eyes. Should I let this go, as it seems like such a small issue? — KISSED OFF IN MONTANA
DEAR KISSED OFF: Considerate couples who love each other want to give each other pleasure. That your husband would withhold something you have told him you need to enhance your intimacy is selfish. I do not think you should “let this go,” because if you would write to me about it, it isn’t a small issue. If he can’t explain his change in behavior to you, he should explain it with you — in the office of a marriage and family therapist. (c) DEAR ABBY
Wow. “We’re too old for that,”? Really? There’s a simple solution to this.
Husband: “Hey, let’s have sex.”
Letter writer: “Oh, I’m sorry. We’re too old for that.”
If that doesn’t fix it, then this guy’s a hopeless case. And although that solution seems glib, he shouldn’t be viewing sex as being all about him-him-him and none about his wife.
It really rubs me the wrong way (no pun intended) when men prioritize their needs in the bedroom with no thought to the woman’s. I suspect that if I were to have sex under those conditions, it would kill part of my soul.
Annie Lane’s column for today is up!
Dear Annie: I am a single 70-year-old lady. I just found out I am going to have to wear a CPAP due to breathing issues when I sleep. Those things are so unattractive.
I would like to find love again, but would a guy understand if I have to wear one at night? Or should I just give up on finding love? — Dare to Dream
Geez, Annie Lane and her easy questions! She picks these questions that have commonsense answers because it’s the only sort of question she can field! Gee, will she say that true love will survive the CPAP? Will she say that someone worthwhile wouldn’t mind the CPAP? I’d almost like for her to be sarcastic and say, “Yes, you should give up on finding love. This is the end of the road. Hey, at least you won’t snore,” but we all know she won’t say that. I’m just irritated by her need to pick these easy questions.
Dear Dare: Any man bothered by your sleep setup is clearly not one worthy of lying in your bed.
And don’t overlook the silver lining here: The time in which you’re wearing the CPAP is when you’re fast asleep. Presumably, your Mister will be, too.
Oh, wow. I forgot to factor in the idiocy level of her advice giving. “Presumably, your Mister will be, too,”? Seriously? Okay, first of all, NO ONE calls their significant other their Mister. Second of all, no one capitalizes mister in that context. Third of all, the reference to being asleep is silly. Her “Mister” (gag me) will still see her set the device up and fall asleep looking and sounding like a female Darth Vader. This advice is so cringeworthy.