The paranoid experience!

Ugh! I’m paranoid. I’ve been thinking as much for a few months now, maybe? I figured I’d blog about it. I also want to get more paranoia meds from Dr. Phlegm.

  • Energetic pollution: when someone else’s energetic field pollutes mine. For example, if someone’s waiting in line behind me at the store.
  • Energetic contamination: it’s like energetic pollution, but done with uncaring indifference. Like, the person could stand farther away, but they’d rather breathe down my neck and stare at me. That’s cold.
  • Changing the script: when store employees expect you to go through a modified checkout system where you might have to track down an employee or buy books at a cafe, or that sort of thing. The standard script of going up to a cash register and doing a normal purchase is removed.
  • “Can I help you find anything?”: Salespeople being obnoxious on purpose in order to imply that if I’m a shoplifter–which they strongly suspect, of course–then they’re tagging me. Good to know. My general response is to turn on my heels and run to another corner of the store, thus making myself seem even more suspicious. Go, Meg, go!
  • Eye contact: It’s easier for me to avoid eye contact with strangers, because it discomfits me to see into their soul and have them see into mine. It could just be me. [Shrug.]
  • Not recognizing people I know while I’m out and about: I block out the world around me. People who know me get their feelings hurt by this. But when I try to warn people in advance, that also hurts their feelings. For seriousness, if you call my name and try to get my attention, I won’t even know you’re there. And then when I turn grudgingly because you keep shouting my name and I dimly start to intuit your presence on some deep level of my being, I wave and then run for it, and you feel hurt, and then everyone starts hating me, and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings.
  • Angry faces: The Fanapt commercial captures this so elegantly at the exact 0:30 mark. Please, if you’ve got RBF (resting bitch face), don’t glance my way as we pass each other on the sidewalk or in the store. I interpret your expression as you saying to me, “What’s the matter with you, loser? You’re stupid and ugly.” (Image © Fanapt)

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  • “Hi, how are you?”: Well, I’m out here walking the dog, and if I look at you and give a polite response as we pass each other on the sidewalk, it’ll suck my energy away. Is there any chance you can accept a nonresponse? I don’t want to ignore you and hurt your feelings, but I really have to look out for myself here.
  • “Hi, how are you, Phil?” with a sullen look shot in my direction: Yeah, I get it. My dad will talk to you, and I won’t. Please try not to give me a guilt trip for it.
  • Unwanted or unexpected touching: I strongly advise against this. I can’t be held accountable for my reaction(s). One time, someone tried to touch me at my grandmother’s nursing home. It wasn’t an elderly resident; rather, it was a daughter of a resident. I think she wanted to hug me? My response was, “NO TOUCHING! NO TOUCHING!” and I ran for safety. It’s possible that person hasn’t tried to touch anyone since.
  • Random intuitions: Like, “That guy’s giving off bad energy. He must have a dark spirit,” or, “His beady black eyes scare me,” or, “Uh oh, that mother looks like the sort who’d spank her kid and trigger me. I have to get out of here before that kid starts to misbehave,” or, “That store employee’s being too chatty with those other customers. I’ve got to make a break for it before she targets me.”

This has been a walkthrough guide to my day-to-day paranoia.

I’m in a better mood than I was yesterday, as I slept it off until 1:30 and have processed most of it. So it’s all good! I appreciate all of your supportive comments and likes! You all rock! It’s great that the blogosphere is so supportive, especially given how toxic forums can be, and that sort of thing!!

6 thoughts on “The paranoid experience!

  1. That would be so hard to live with, the paranoia. Standard Ole run-of-the-mill anxiety is bad enough!
    And this, as you describe it, is kind of like if anxiety decided to smoke crack and wreak even MORE havoc then it already does. Feel for ya. I hope you can get something from the doctor that helps.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s a beautiful analogy!! 😀 I love it!!

      Thanks, I hope so too!! I take low doses of a few antipsychotics, so I’m hopeful that he’ll recommend going up on one!!

      I actually prefer it to anxiety just because my system is designed to better tolerate paranoia, but not anxiety or depression. I wish I could describe what I mean better!!

      Liked by 1 person

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