Well, uh oh. Now I’m a weepy mess. What happened earlier was exhausting and confusing. Guys NEVER think I’m sexy. He must’ve been flirting with me to get a good deal on the car. Rationally I’m reminding myself that the car has loads of mechanical issues, all of which he pointed out to me. But it’s just impossible for me to believe that anyone thinks I’m sexy. Men never go for me. They just don’t.
I’m not sexy. I don’t even know how to be sexy. I’m not going to call him tonight like he asked. I don’t think it’s a good idea. I just don’t… I don’t do sexy.
Yeah, but you want to find your soulmate, right?
Yeah! And then I want to have great sex with him. But I’m not sexy. I’m just not. I’m frumpy and dowdy and unattractive. I’ve been aware of it my whole life. Guys have never been into me. I’m not feminine enough, not sexy enough, not pretty enough, not whatever enough. I’m just not. What was that guy playing at?!
When I was nineteen, I borrowed a huge clunky video camera from my college’s library for a music project and hauled it up to Granny Franny’s house. My mom was behind the camera, and I was trying to act seductive, just for fun, while we had access to the camera. She kept yelling at me that I was her little girl, and I should quit acting that way. Ugh. I can’t seem to break past that. I’m not allowed to be sexy, which works out perfectly because I don’t know how to be sexy anyway. She also mocked my attempts at seduction, which was cruel and thoughtless. Being seductive is just for other people. I don’t deserve to experience it. It’s not allowed to be part of my experience.
I don’t know how relationships are supposed to happen. What if I can’t ever act sexy? Does that mean I’ll never get anywhere with anyone? Probably, yeah, that’s what it means. I’ll never find my soulmate at this rate. I’m inherently flawed and broken. I don’t even understand how relationships work, so I can’t follow the path that makes them happen. I’m just stuck here. It’s really depressing.
There’s no way I’m going to call that guy. He’d say, “I just wanted to get your car at a steal, but the papers have been signed, so the charade is over. You’re ugly.” I don’t need that.