Ugh.

Well, uh oh. Now I’m a weepy mess. What happened earlier was exhausting and confusing. Guys NEVER think I’m sexy. He must’ve been flirting with me to get a good deal on the car. Rationally I’m reminding myself that the car has loads of mechanical issues, all of which he pointed out to me. But it’s just impossible for me to believe that anyone thinks I’m sexy. Men never go for me. They just don’t.

I’m not sexy. I don’t even know how to be sexy. I’m not going to call him tonight like he asked. I don’t think it’s a good idea. I just don’t… I don’t do sexy.

Yeah, but you want to find your soulmate, right? 

Yeah! And then I want to have great sex with him. But I’m not sexy. I’m just not. I’m frumpy and dowdy and unattractive. I’ve been aware of it my whole life. Guys have never been into me. I’m not feminine enough, not sexy enough, not pretty enough, not whatever enough. I’m just not. What was that guy playing at?!

When I was nineteen, I borrowed a huge clunky video camera from my college’s library for a music project and hauled it up to Granny Franny’s house. My mom was behind the camera, and I was trying to act seductive, just for fun, while we had access to the camera. She kept yelling at me that I was her little girl, and I should quit acting that way. Ugh. I can’t seem to break past that. I’m not allowed to be sexy, which works out perfectly because I don’t know how to be sexy anyway. She also mocked my attempts at seduction, which was cruel and thoughtless. Being seductive is just for other people. I don’t deserve to experience it. It’s not allowed to be part of my experience.

I don’t know how relationships are supposed to happen. What if I can’t ever act sexy? Does that mean I’ll never get anywhere with anyone? Probably, yeah, that’s what it means. I’ll never find my soulmate at this rate. I’m inherently flawed and broken. I don’t even understand how relationships work, so I can’t follow the path that makes them happen. I’m just stuck here. It’s really depressing.

There’s no way I’m going to call that guy. He’d say, “I just wanted to get your car at a steal, but the papers have been signed, so the charade is over. You’re ugly.”  I don’t need that.

10 thoughts on “Ugh.

  1. Oh Meg, this post makes me sad.. I think you sell yourself way too short! I hope you find a guy that appreciates everything you have to offer and understands who you really are- a wonderfully caring and vibrant person!! ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much!! ❤ ❤ ❤ I appreciate the support!! I've been a weepy mess for hours now!! But I should fall asleep soon!! Thanks so much!! I do sell myself short!!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Meg, this post makes me sad.. I think you sell yourself way too short! I hope you find a guy that appreciates everything you have to offer and understands who you really – a wonderfully caring and vibrant person!! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you you’re beautiful. You don’t have to be Jessica Rabbit for men to find you sexy, like bosssybabe says you have so much to offer and a guy who can see that won’t believe his luck. Xxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you so much!! Yeah, the issue confuses me and makes me so sad!! Thanks for your support! The Jessica Rabbit reference is quite helpful and insightfu! I have no idea why I actually expect myself to be a sexy machine when most people don’t look like Jessica Rabbit!! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. When I start to feel this way (and I do get insecure, it’s been a very long time since I’ve been with anyone and I’m not particularly attractive, especially not without makeup), I focus on skill building. A sort of revenge in a way. Because when you build some kind of skill and endeavor to be better at said skill than anyone else you know, perhaps even the Best In Your Town, someone can and will be drawn to you over your skill eventually. As long as you develop at least a baseline of socializing skills in addition to that. For example, for you that might look like making more online friends that you can visit in person (think more Sonyas). Or joining a support group for your condition. All of that nails the baseline socializing piece while building or continuing a skill in the background.
    For me that skill is guitar. What might it be for you? Something to turn to when you get insecure like this.
    Just something to think about. People as a general rule value others who contribute skills. That may seem a slightly cold take on all of this but I consider myself a pragmatist. So I thought I would plant an idea about what helps pull me through.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’d love more Sonyas!! That would rock!!

        I think I have a lot of skills, though! I taught myself how to make furniture! I’ve taken ice skating lessons! I offer fun Tarot readings! (No clue how accurate they are.) I occasionally compose piano music! (One song comes to mind that I wrote just after the World Trade Center was attacked, which seems relevant now with the anniversary approaching.) But you can never have too many skills! The problem is that whenever I choose a new skill, I spend too much money on it and get diluted. BUT… it just occurred to me that I can put more into those other already-chosen skills. It’s a fine balancing act, and lately I’ve been putting all my energy into my memoir.

        I think the problem is that I feel very accomplished and successful, but I don’t know how to feel sexy. I was raised to believe that being sexy is something that you do when you’re older. Now I’m older, but darn it all, that point in time when I’m older and allowed to be sexy is still forever out of reach! Damn my parents. I don’t often blame them for things, but this is pretty darned frustrating. Like I’m supposed to be this sweet little girl forever who never becomes sexy. I had this therapist from hell a year ago who said that my sexuality is “creepy”. (Great job, therapist.) She said that only a pedophile would want to sleep with me because I have the sexual outlook of a child. Ugh. I mean, she was right, but now I just hate myself more. I wish I knew how to fix it, ya know? I appreciate all your ideas!! I might try being creative in other ways than writing for a while!! They’re all good outlets for sure!!

        Like

      2. What a horrible therapist. I think what I am getting at is that sexy is not something to specifically aim for. It’s a natural byproduct of developing (or honing) skills that help or inspire others in some way, including the opposite sex. Combined with a basic level of socializing such that other people are aware of and helped by your skills. And then you maybe become friends with that special guy who then gets to know you and develops an attraction.
        I understand that with major media there are people who “go for” sexy, but we know that Hollywood and all that is not the real world. I think the key here is to detach from this desire to “be sexy”.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Oh, wow, I see what you mean!! That’s quite sensible!! Good thinking!! And come to think of it, I agree that I need to meet someone in a non-sexy way, like not through internet dating, for example; but through hobbies and interests. That makes a lot of sense!! I appreciate your insight!! Thanks!!

        Liked by 1 person

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