This book is profound. It’s very optimistic and compassionate. It discusses the dynamics of victims and perpetrators, and the need for such dynamics. I used to have deep thoughts about that when I was eight or nine. I decided I’d rather be a victim, which I was–my parents were abusive–than a perpetrator, because I’d hate to live with guilt on my conscience. That would be dreadful. I think I could pick it up in my mom, and I didn’t want that for myself.
And I haven’t been afflicted with that issue. Although I have a long and impressive list of enemies, I’ve managed not to have kids and subsequently become a child abuser. Thank God! I’ve never wanted that for myself.
But there was this weird voice in my head when I was that age: but you will have kids, most specifically a daughter. And you’ll see how hard it is to be a good parent. She’ll push you to the limits and antagonize you every step of the way. It’s karma. You can’t escape your karma. You’re a bad kid, so you deserve to suffer from having a bad kid yourself once you become an adult.
Huh. These have been my lost deep thoughts.
I truly believed that it was inevitable. As a kid, I thought, sure, I’ll be the smart sort of adult who uses birth control, or does whatever she has to. But fate will have it out for me. I won’t be able to escape it. The birth control will fail, or something else will go wrong. I’m destined to suffer having a daughter who will ruin my life and destroy my sanity, as I’ve done to my own mother.
I’m 44 years old now, and I have no kids. I can’t believe it. I beat fate! Ha!
Anyway, the book I’m reading is filled with deep thoughts. Some of it I disapprove of, like its instructions on how to use hardcore street drugs without becoming addicted. My take on this is that the disembodied being who channelled the book isn’t omniscient. He’s not God, so it’s just his awareness.
The rest of the book is insightful and compassionate, and it’s speaking my exact spiritual language, which is uncanny.
We do not suggest you play the bad guy on purpose, thinking you are the vessel for everyone’s lessons.
Are there rules for how to attribute copyright to a disembodied being? Hmm. At any rate, I didn’t write that sentence.
But it deeply registers with me. When things went wrong at my place of employment and my coworkers bullied me, something dark shifted in me and I became hellbent on trying to teach other people moral lessons. I’ve gotten pretty good at it, too. I know how to harass, intimidate, give guilt trips, and channel hatred onto someone who’s mistreated me. But it’s a dark talent, and not one to be proud of.
I need to keep that aforementioned quote in the front of my mind. It’s not my job to teach people how awful they’re being to me. Why do I think it is? Hmm…. when that employment crap happened, like I’ve said, I realized that I’d always been naive and trusting. I retroactively lashed out at everyone who’d ever mistreated me in the past. I think the need to be punitive arose from my horror at how naive I’d been for years and years. I felt like the only way to take back the power was to get back at people, mainly from the church I attended as a teen, even that long after the fact.
I wouldn’t still say I have any grudges against the churchgoers, but I did for a long time. What was sad about it was that if I’d had a support system and good friends, it would’ve gone a long way toward comforting me, but I had no one. So I kept wanting those people back, even though they were all wrong for me. And I kept pushing them away at the same time. As it is now, I don’t really care about any of them anymore. I can see how poorly suited we all were for each other. (They were all upper-class snobs, and I’m more spiritually oriented, for one thing.) I can see that there are better people meant to be in my life.
So maybe my insane anger is about the fear that I’m about to let someone get away with mistreating me. It scares me because of how naive I used to be, and how many people were stabbing me in the back that I didn’t even know about. That fear kicks in and says, Meg, let that person have it. Don’t let him/her be mean to you and get away with it like all those people from the past did. Do it now! Don’t let your anger dissipate, or you’ll lose the opportunity.
But it was bad dynamics in my past. I can’t go to the past and change anything. If I were to go back in time and accuse my youth leader of reporting my mother to CPS because she (my youth leader) wanted to get me out of her office, she’d just laugh and deny it. And then she’d tilt her head back, displaying her grisly nose hairs. And then, to get me out of her office again, she’d start discussing female genital mutilation. And then she’d mock me for having “adolescent infatuations” on people. Yeah, she was… a disturbed individual who had no right to be working with youth. I was the only person who saw her that way. Everyone else loved her, but I could sense that something was off-kilter, even despite my naivete.
She’s not worth it. None of them are. But I feel genuine remorse for anyone who makes me mad today and gets the brunt of all that previously unexpressed anger. No one deserves that. I’ve still got to figure out how to not go postal on people.
Hmm… I’ve realized lately that junk food isn’t worth it because there’s no end to it in sight. There’s never enough junk food to sate me. Maybe there would be enough for today, but then I’d need more for tomorrow. And the next day. It’s unending.
So’s anger. It feeds on itself and there’s no end to it except to just walk away. If I let myself get mad, then I’ll let myself get mad next time, and the time after, and the time after. There has to be a stopping point, an incident where I don’t give into it. Of me, that’s probably asking a lot. But you never know.