The self-appointed vessel.

This book is profound. It’s very optimistic and compassionate. It discusses the dynamics of victims and perpetrators, and the need for such dynamics. I used to have deep thoughts about that when I was eight or nine. I decided I’d rather be a victim, which I was–my parents were abusive–than a perpetrator, because I’d hate to live with guilt on my conscience. That would be dreadful. I think I could pick it up in my mom, and I didn’t want that for myself.

And I haven’t been afflicted with that issue. Although I have a long and impressive list of enemies, I’ve managed not to have kids and subsequently become a child abuser. Thank God! I’ve never wanted that for myself.

But there was this weird voice in my head when I was that age: but you will have kids, most specifically a daughter. And you’ll see how hard it is to be a good parent. She’ll push you to the limits and antagonize you every step of the way. It’s karma. You can’t escape your karma. You’re a bad kid, so you deserve to suffer from having a bad kid yourself once you become an adult. 

Huh. These have been my lost deep thoughts.

I truly believed that it was inevitable. As a kid, I thought, sure, I’ll be the smart sort of adult who uses birth control, or does whatever she has to. But fate will have it out for me. I won’t be able to escape it. The birth control will fail, or something else will go wrong. I’m destined to suffer having a daughter who will ruin my life and destroy my sanity, as I’ve done to my own mother. 

I’m 44 years old now, and I have no kids. I can’t believe it. I beat fate! Ha!

Anyway, the book I’m reading is filled with deep thoughts. Some of it I disapprove of, like its instructions on how to use hardcore street drugs without becoming addicted. My take on this is that the disembodied being who channelled the book isn’t omniscient. He’s not God, so it’s just his awareness.

The rest of the book is insightful and compassionate, and it’s speaking my exact spiritual language, which is uncanny.

We do not suggest you play the bad guy on purpose, thinking you are the vessel for everyone’s lessons.

Are there rules for how to attribute copyright to a disembodied being? Hmm. At any rate, I didn’t write that sentence.

But it deeply registers with me. When things went wrong at my place of employment and my coworkers bullied me, something dark shifted in me and I became hellbent on trying to teach other people moral lessons. I’ve gotten pretty good at it, too. I know how to harass, intimidate, give guilt trips, and channel hatred onto someone who’s mistreated me. But it’s a dark talent, and not one to be proud of.

I need to keep that aforementioned quote in the front of my mind. It’s not my job to teach people how awful they’re being to me. Why do I think it is? Hmm…. when that employment crap happened, like I’ve said, I realized that I’d always been naive and trusting. I retroactively lashed out at everyone who’d ever mistreated me in the past. I think the need to be punitive arose from my horror at how naive I’d been for years and years. I felt like the only way to take back the power was to get back at people, mainly from the church I attended as a teen, even that long after the fact.

I wouldn’t still say I have any grudges against the churchgoers, but I did for a long time. What was sad about it was that if I’d had a support system and good friends, it would’ve gone a long way toward comforting me, but I had no one. So I kept wanting those people back, even though they were all wrong for me. And I kept pushing them away at the same time. As it is now, I don’t really care about any of them anymore. I can see how poorly suited we all were for each other. (They were all upper-class snobs, and I’m more spiritually oriented, for one thing.) I can see that there are better people meant to be in my life.

So maybe my insane anger is about the fear that I’m about to let someone get away with mistreating me. It scares me because of how naive I used to be, and how many people were stabbing me in the back that I didn’t even know about. That fear kicks in and says, Meg, let that person have it. Don’t let him/her be mean to you and get away with it like all those people from the past did. Do it now! Don’t let your anger dissipate, or you’ll lose the opportunity. 

But it was bad dynamics in my past. I can’t go to the past and change anything. If I were to go back in time and accuse my youth leader of reporting my mother to CPS because she (my youth leader) wanted to get me out of her office, she’d just laugh and deny it. And then she’d tilt her head back, displaying her grisly nose hairs. And then, to get me out of her office again, she’d start discussing female genital mutilation. And then she’d mock me for having “adolescent infatuations” on people. Yeah, she was… a disturbed individual who had no right to be working with youth. I was the only person who saw her that way. Everyone else loved her, but I could sense that something was off-kilter, even despite my naivete.

She’s not worth it. None of them are. But I feel genuine remorse for anyone who makes me mad today and gets the brunt of all that previously unexpressed anger. No one deserves that. I’ve still got to figure out how to not go postal on people.

Hmm… I’ve realized lately that junk food isn’t worth it because there’s no end to it in sight. There’s never enough junk food to sate me. Maybe there would be enough for today, but then I’d need more for tomorrow. And the next day. It’s unending.

So’s anger. It feeds on itself and there’s no end to it except to just walk away. If I let myself get mad, then I’ll let myself get mad next time, and the time after, and the time after. There has to be a stopping point, an incident where I don’t give into it. Of me, that’s probably asking a lot. But you never know.

15 thoughts on “The self-appointed vessel.

    1. Preach! I swore I’d never grow up and let myself fall victim to nose hairs, peach fuzz, or unibrow; and gosh darnit, with my little hair trimmer thing, it’s all taken care of. Takes thirty seconds before every shower.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. No but, wow, it would make a great book title! For sure! The book’s called “Reclaiming the Shadow Self” by Anwan, who is apparently a channelled higher being. I’d highly recommend it to you! It talks about stuff that only applies to some people, and you and I are on that list! It’s real trippy!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ll check it out. Thanks! Yes – you should base a novel on this phrase you just coined- the self appointed vessel. You are so creative, you could pull that off. Come up with a whole plot around that. I adore your writing skills and you are my hero! It’s the first time I have ever had the privilege of chatting regularly with an author I like.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Wow, thanks!! HA HA, yeah, that would be a fun writing project for sure!! 😀 Who knows? I might write it!! 😀 Thanks for the compliments!!

        Like

  1. I think anger needs to be physically vented. Breaking dishes on the beach, throwing shit around, hard-core exercise. I am sometimes a little anger bomb myself and it never goes away forever but it can be channeled into innocent destruction or artful construction before it builds up so much that its dangerous or alienating.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re probably right!! It’s never worked for me, but I’ve heard a lot of people recommend this option!! I guess I could try it again sometime!! When I was a teenager in the mental hospital, they’d put me in an empty room with a rubber bat and tell me to go crazy with it. If I’m remembering correctly, they called it a watonga bat. But anyway, I mostly just stared at it, stared at them, and didn’t manage to do much damage with the thing. Gasp! I should get a new watonga bat! Oh wow, great idea!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. A good friend gave me the idea of breaking dishes over rocks at the ocean too. But I hate wasting shit and I can be cheap at times so I was all “I’m not gonna fucking WASTE MONEY like that” haahaaa

        Liked by 1 person

      2. HA HA HA HA HAH! I’ve never understood breaking dishes!! It seems extreme!! And what if your dishes are the unbreakable kind? Darn it you rotten dish break already! 😀 Your previous comment led me to dammit dolls!! I’m totally going to get a dammit doll! 😀 I never knew they existed!

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