I’ve had an epiphany. After discussing my issues with a lot of people, I’ve realized (or come to strongly suspect) that my anger issues are directly related to my mental illness(es), and that taking more medication could be helpful.
For one thing, that would make me feel so much better about myself, as if it’s not my fault. The self-hatred is awful when things go wrong. For another thing, it’s all tied into paranoia. I can see that now. I even get mad at stop-sign runners because I’m convinced they’re doing it just to piss me off, as if they’re flaunting their immorality in my face because they can. This isn’t rational, but knowing it’s irrational doesn’t keep me from believing it.
My paranoia’s been acting up massively. While walking the dog, if my dad and I pass someone, the person ignores me and says hi to my dad. This is because I’m a misanthrope who avoids people, but it rubs me the wrong way and convinces me that they’re secretly conveying the message of, “Sorry your daughter’s such a paranoid misanthrope! You’re good to tolerate her,” to my dad instead of, “Hey, Phil, how ya doin’?” And then do you all remember that recent commercial? Let me find a link… here it is. The part I relate to is the second person’s story, the blond woman named Cynthia. I’m usually good at brushing those thoughts away, but why should I have to?
I need more medicine. How has it taken me this long to see it?! And it wouldn’t even be hard. One drug I take, Abilify, I only take 2 mg of. The doctor could increase that dose a little or a lot, because I think some people take up to 24 mg. There’s definite leeway. Seroquel is great but sedationary. We’ll see what he thinks.
Every time I take a new drug or go up on a drug, I note side effects and start wondering if I need the drug or the higher dosage. Note to self: Meg, you’re a rage machine. If a medicine (or more medicine) can make that go away, then don’t even consider going off or down on the drug.
I’ll still forget, though. I forget a lot. Oh well.
God bless modern pharmaceuticals!!
I hope everyone out there is having a great day!!