Steps for better wellbeing!

TRIGGER WARNING: low-key discussions of suicidality, complete with jokes!

Sanity has been restored.

I’ve taken the following proactive measures for better equanimity:

  • I wrote to my psychiatrist, because a few people suggested it, and then it occurred to me that my bipolar (or something else–there’s a long list) might not be as well-medicated as it should be. I just told him about the problem and said he can figure out how my meds can best be adjusted. Sometimes I can tell when I need more or less of a specific med, but this is one of those times where I have no clue where the breakdown is occurring. I meet with him at the end of August.
  • I met with my life coach and she wants to focus on my self-esteem. I think I have great self-esteem, but when this sort of thing happens, I become filled with self-loathing and self-hatred. She’s convinced she can improve my self-esteem and thus minimize my outbursts. More power to her! I’m willing to try it.
  • I’ve discovered self-help videos on YouTube about anger, vindication, temper, etc., etc. It’s a wealth of information I’ve never tapped into.
  • I might order more self-help books.
  • I’ve cut ties with the contests. I often sense that these things go wrong because I subconsciously sense that something’s not working out. But ever since the person I dislike won the latest competition, I’ve realized that winning it doesn’t have any value, at least not to me. I can find other contests and/or write a new novel!
  • My dad wants me to meditate. Huh. I might look into it, or into other New Age concepts, because it’s always been my language. I’ve been reading spiritual books since I was twelve, but it’s been a while. Not a bad idea!
  • I spoke with my mentor, who has an amazing attitude about life that I’m trying to emulate.

Oh no. Okay, I also wrote the following joke about my experience with calling the crisis hotline. Just fair warning, this isn’t meant to be disrespectful to mental illness, but here it is:

So, yeah, I called the crisis hotline. The nice man on the phone kept asking what was wrong.

I was sobbing, of course, and couldn’t talk. He had to coax it out of me, but I finally blubbered that NBC reported who won the gymnastics event several hours before they aired it.

“Yeah,” he said. “The phone’s been ringing off the hook all day for that exact reason. I feel ya.”

It felt nice to be understood.

HA HA HA H AHAHAHHA! Ohhh noooo.

Actually, okay, that incident did come up in our conversation, but not quite like that. In reality, he managed to get me slightly calmed down after we discussed the major issues, and then he asked if I enjoy watching television, and I was sent right back into hysterics. That seems funny in retrospect. But I’m still mad at NBC. Hmmph.

(For the record, I don’t think I was ever suicidal. But I was an unholy mess. I was inconsolable and totally hysterical. It took ugly crying to a whole new level of ugly. If I hadn’t called the hotline, I think things could’ve gotten worse very quickly.)

10 thoughts on “Steps for better wellbeing!

  1. Sending love and hugs to you! I don’t like that people think hotlines are only if you are feeling suicidal. If you’re struggling with your mental health and can feel yourself spiralling or whatever then asking for help or talking to someone is exactly what you should do.. the world has taught us to keep pushing ourselves until we get to our breaking point and it is very effed up.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s very insightful, thanks! I hadn’t thought of it that way!! I was online antagonizing the guy who runs the contests, and he was like, “Call this number! Do it now!” So I just trusted his judgment. I think it was the right decision for sure!! You’re right that it’s bad to wait until a breaking point. I’ve made that mistake in the past and… never again. When I worked in Georgia and had the evil coworkers, I just hung in there beyond how much I should’ve and didn’t prioritize my mental wellbeing. That’s not a mistake I’d make again, but it’s awful to have to quit a job when one’s finally working (almost sort of working). Thanks for the support!! Love and hugs to you too!! I hope you’re doing well!!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I wonder if it’s worth reconsidering the self-help stuff. It’s a wealth of information, but a lot of it isn’t good information; there’s a lot of crap masquerading as good stuff out there. It would be very easy to get distracted by things that aren’t actually the right fit. I’ve noticed you sometimes connect with aspects of things on an emotional level that aren’t really the same issue as what’s going on for you (like neuroticism that I wrote about yesterday), and it has the potential to send you barking up the wrong tree looking for answers.

    Have you ever seen a therapist who focused on cognitive behavioural therapy? I know you’ve had really negative experiences with therapy, but CBT therapists aren’t into all the Freudian psychoanalytic nonsense. It’s a very practical, get-to-the-point kind of therapy, and with something like moralizing people hurting you and needing revenge, they’re not going to dig into stuff like what your mother did when you were a child, they’re going to focus on changing how you react. It’s great if your life coach helps you work on self-esteem, but I’m not sure how much difference that’s going to make.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hmm… I could clarify a few points! I related to the neuroticism in a general sense, and my comment about it was more based on what was going on in my life at the time, if that makes sense. Any other time, I’d have commented differently! But I haven’t latched onto neuroticism!

      My life coach has worked hard to get me to react differently! She’s been attacking it from that angle. I’m always trying to make excuses due to my childhood, and she’s always like, no, focus on right now and quit reacting that way. I suspect that my life coach can sense how hard I am on myself when things go wrong and she’s trying to improve my view of myself so that… how to put it… so that I don’t let other people undo me and then go batshit crazy. That’s my guess. But I did argue with her. I insisted I have great self-esteem, and she kept insisting I don’t. So if the self-esteem work goes nowhere, it will be her error in judgment there, so I’m just going to trust her to make that mistake if it IS a mistake, ya know?

      I keep going Freudian because I want to undo the belief at a core level so that it won’t act up. Hmm…. but honestly I’m open to any method that works!!

      Oh! And don’t worry about the self-help stuff! I just want to hear different perspective about anger and having a temper, etc., etc. I really, really, really, really hope I can separate stuff that isn’t helpful to me from the rest!!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. There was nothing wrong with the comment about neuroticism. I was just trying to say you may find things that you identify with on some level, but that wouldn’t necessarily mean that pursuing it is going to help you with your issues.

        Life coaches are people that want to help, but they’re not therapists.

        As for the self-help, if that’s what you want to pursue, all the power to you, but it sounds like you’ve consumed a lot of it and it’s given you ideas but hasn’t fundamentally changed anything. Just a thought.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Thank you for your comments!! I’ll give all of this more consideration! I’ve never really thought of CBT, but you could be onto something there!! I’ll look into it and report back!!

        Liked by 1 person

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