What it all goes back to!

I’m feeling much better today, having slept it off. I know what my anger goes back to, but that doesn’t mean I know how to fix it. When I was living in Georgia, down south, and working at KidsPeace, my coworkers constantly bullied me, but I didn’t recognize how awful they were. I figured they were just… better than they seemed…? Like I gave the benefit of the doubt to everyone, and I always had. (This is going to be the short version of events.)

Then the bullying and my mental health got so bad that I had an awakening of sorts. I realized how awful my coworkers were, and I also realized how awful other people had been to me previously in life (youth leaders, churchgoers, etc.).

And I was appalled! I’d let those people just treat me terribly back when I was a teenager at church, and I’d always told myself, “Oh, she’s looking out for my best interests. It just doesn’t seem that way.” (My youth leader reported my mom to CPS for the sole goal of getting me out of her office. It worked!)

So after I moved back home from Georgia and was certifiably insane, I started lashing out at everyone from my former church. They all hate me now. It’s mutual.

So now, whenever anyone crosses me and I sense impure motives (I’m way less likely to get mad at someone who says something hurtful to me because they’re trying to help, like, “Meg, you’ve got to quit being mean to people and feeling sorry for yourself,” or whatever), I go batshit crazy and retaliate. I feel that it’s morally wrong of me to let someone hurt me and get away with it unscathed. (And by “unscathed” I just mean I want to hurt people with words.) But the problem is that I can’t break this belief. And I want to break it!

I spent years after I moved home lashing out at everyone. Angry letters. Angry emails. The works. I’m obviously in a better place now, but that mental block is still there. I feel like, if I let someone mistreat me and get away with it, then I’ve just… how to put it… I’ve just betrayed myself. Like, really, Meg, why didn’t you go after that person? You’re going to let him/her get away with mistreating you, just like when you were a naive teenager and your youth leader was scheming against you and you were too dumb to see it?! 

But that’s what it goes back to. I need serious insight on this, so any thoughts are welcome.

I just spoke to my mom about it and she was very supportive and tried to help. I have to give her a shout-out for that, because I usually portray her in a rather poor light. (Have you noticed?) She understood.

2 thoughts on “What it all goes back to!

  1. Maybe you could work on tacking on an ending to “I feel that it’s morally wrong of me to let someone hurt me and get away with it unscathed,” like “but they are not worth the price my mental health would pay for scathing them.” That moral bit is something you seem pretty strongly hooked to in general, so that’s probably going to be hard to budge, but it’s in your own self-interest in terms of your mental wellbeing not to go batshit crazy, and that’s probably an easier angle to work on.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. YES! I hear ya. I agree. I feel like my beliefs are messed up, and I know they got messed up in a way that was hardcore damning, because I’ve been unable to undo it. Something changed in me so deeply that I’ve felt powerless to fix it. That’s a good idea to have a counter-belief that I program into myself. Maybe I could try it with small things? Like someone runs a red light, and instead of yelling, “IT’S A RED LIGHT! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STOP, YOU MORON!” I could tell myself… what was it? … “That person isn’t worth the damage to my mental health.” Okay. I seriously need to incorporate this posthaste before life manages to make this situation repeat for the millionth time. Thanks!

      Liked by 2 people

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