Well, I’ve checked out.

I’m a dissociative person. Today something happened that has me scared to death. My Amazon Prime membership, which I re-enrolled in two days ago, was canceled. I contacted Amazon, and they said that I canceled it. And it didn’t get canceled because it expired. It literally got canceled by magic.

The email that Amazon pointed out to me was indeed in my inbox as of 11:00 AM this morning. (I found this email now while talking to Amazon customer service via chat. I overlooked it earlier.)

As you requested, we’ve canceled your Amazon Prime membership.

Since you only used your Amazon Prime benefits a few times, you will receive a prorated refund of $6.85 for the remainder of your membership. Your refund will be processed within the next 3-5 business days and will appear on your next billing statement. If your latest membership charge is still processing, we’ll issue the refund as soon as the charge is completed. If you’d like to join Amazon Prime again, start a paid membership by visiting the Amazon Prime page.

I didn’t request it.

Honestly, my poor memory scares me. I’m not sure if it’s caused by:

  • mental illness
  • psych drugs
  • premature aging

or what, but it all scares me. I woke up today at around 10:20 and went downstairs. I got dressed and walked the dog without checking my emails yet at the computer. (I don’t use a cellphone.) When I came up here to check emails, it must’ve been after 11:00. Ashley Leia’s 11:00 AM post was already in my inbox. (It’s amazing that I remember this much.)

Huh… according to FB, I sent a message to someone (a stranger about some boxes we’re trying to unload on FB marketplace) at 11:08. I started sending emails to people at 11:11. Would I have… oh, wait, I remember now.

I went to Amazon to track my new bed to see if it was coming in the mail. I clicked on accounts & lists instead of returns & orders. I didn’t recognize the page I was on, so I clicked on returns & orders.

But going into accounts & lists now, it’s not that easy to accidentally cancel Prime. (I just now rejoined Prime and am trying to cancel for theoretical reasons.) That page does indeed lead to canceling prime, but it doesn’t have an easy accidental way to cancel it.

This is freaking me out. How dissociative would I have to be to keep clicking through until I cancel, and then completely forget that I just did that, when I had no desire to do it in the first place?

I just now clicked on “end membership”, and sure enough, they’re trying to persuade me to stay. “Are you sure? We have all these benefits!” No memory of that, either. All I remember is accidentally clicking on the account & lists page, and then there’s a seamless blank of two seconds until I clicked on returns & orders. This is freaking me out.

I know I “block” in a daily sense. Stuff stresses me out, so I “block” it by ultimately sleeping it off. Many, many times people will say, “Are you feeling better today?” And I’ll have no clue what they’re referring to (and I don’t want to know, either), but I appreciate the kind word and just say yes.

It happened recently (sort of) with Jeopardy. We knew my friend would be on either Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. Come Monday, I said, “I’ll guess she’s not on tonight.” You know, I was trying to be psychic.

My dad said, “You already told me she’ll be on Tuesday.”

I had no memory of such and was massively freaked out. I’d gone to the Jeopardy website over the previous weekend and it wasn’t updated yet. That’s all I knew. Terrified that my dad was telling me I’d done something I had no memory of, I started praying that my friend wouldn’t be on Tuesday. She wasn’t on Monday, so it was fifty-fifty.

She was on Wednesday. Massive relief. I think. I mean, I could’ve told my dad that she’d be on Tuesday, but why?! It’s scary that I have so many blanks.

But on Tuesday, the phone rang during Jeopardy. It was my mom. “Why isn’t your friend on tonight? It’s Tuesday,” she said.

Great.

“Uh… she’ll be on tomorrow.”

I’m starting to think that I should get some therapy and/or read self-help books, etc., in order to regain my memory. I don’t know if I have premature cognitive decline, but what I do know is that I’ve trained my memory to turn itself off. The traumas from my childhood that I do remember were bad enough. I don’t know the ones I don’t remember (well, obviously). But I don’t cope well with day-to-day stuff, and I often have this fear that I’m forgetting things. I’ve taken “blocking” too far, and now I can’t turn it back. I’m no longer in control of it.

I’ve got to get my memory back! Yikes!

Other symptoms of dissociation that I regularly exhibit:

  • Whenever I run an errand alone, I pretend a friend is in the car with me and I point stuff out to them.
  • I’m constantly talking to myself. Out in public, I talk to LuLu the pup and hum and whistle Christmas tunes incessantly.
  • Sometimes I’m not sure if something happened or if I dreamed it happened.

But getting back to my memory, it takes extreme mental effort. I’ll be walking with my dad and he’ll ask, “What have you been up to today?”

And I’ll reply, “I don’t remember.”

It’s just all freaking me out. Oh well.

7 thoughts on “Well, I’ve checked out.

    1. Ohhh!! Really? That’s consoling. I mean, I think my memory works well outside of it. Except my short-term memory’s shot. But that too doesn’t get coded(?) because I’m not paying attention.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I agree with Ashley that it doesn’t have to be a memory thing but perhaps more a lack of focus thing or some other executive function thing.
    I don’t know how helpful, relevant or comforting that may be for you but I talk to myself or Misha or random objects all the time too, have tons of imaginary people and beings in my Brainworld, often refer to myself as Bibiel in the third person, and as you know I also have vivid dreams so sometimes when they’re also very realistic it can be eerily difficult to figure out whether I just dreamt about something or whether it was real and sometimes weird situations come out of it, but at the same time I don’t really think I have a problem with dissociation. So I guess the mere fact that you experience such things doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you’re dealing with dissociation. Or perhaps I’m wrong and am in denial that this is what I’m dealing with too. 😀 But it really doesn’t feel like it and I think there could be multiple reasons for these symptoms and they don’t even need to be symptoms of anything, just the way our brains work.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s actually very helpful, thanks!! YAY! You’re right. When I dissociate, it makes me happy! Like I’m playing with imaginary friends! (And/or people I really know who aren’t with me in person.) So where’s the harm? Such a good point, thanks!! And a relief. It’s easy to forget that if something makes you happier, then who’s it hurting? Yes, you and I are like two peas in a pod with how our brains work! It’s downright uncanny but quite comforting!! Ohhhhh, I’d never heard of poor executive functioning and didn’t know what it was, but it can be caused by schizophrenia! Wow, I feel so much better now!! You and Ashley rock!! Thank you so much for commenting!!

      Liked by 1 person

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