I feel oddly spaced out and unfocused lately. I’ve been sleeping on less Seroquel, presumably because I can get by on less in summertime, but who knows? I tried earlier this year (in winter) to go down on it and it was impossible, but now it’s happened with ease and initiated because I was oversleeping (which means I needed less of it).
I’ve still been sleeping long hours, but ever since I went down on Seroquel it’s like dinner theater in my dreams. I mean, they’re long melodramas that just keep going and going all freakin’ night. I couldn’t ask for better entertainment. Last night I was in an internship program to be a nurse. It was rigorous and demanding and would be followed up by more schooling if I made it that far. My supervisors were supportive and understanding. The first patient I treated, and I’m not making this up, was a woman who had a huge stick shoved up her [bleep]. (I seriously suspect that my subconscious has a bizarre sense of humor. This patient must’ve represented my mother.) I removed the stick and tried to heal the injury.
There were a lot of scenes with me and the other nurse apprentices, and we supported each other and worked hard together. We were mostly on twelve hours, off twelve hours. I was struggling to wake up and get started, and at one point I overslept by three hours of an eight-hour shift. I couldn’t keep up, but I kept trying.
In my dream I wasn’t paranoid. I was able to interact with my patients and colleagues using eye contact without that causing any of my paranoia to flare up. (Eye contact can lead to my seeing into someone’s soul, or their seeing into mine. Very uncomfortable, unless it’s someone I’m close to. I typically refuse to make eye contact with strangers, especially if I’m trying to do a whole checkout interaction, or that sort of thing.) But yeah. In my dreams, I had the right personality and abilities. What a great feeling! I was so proud of myself and I was progressing through the training and everything.
I often shared my insecurities with my supervisor, a nice older woman who assured me that I was doing fine. But many of us in the program were stressed and anxious. We kept at it, though.
Then, after that dream, I was on a train with some people who were in the youth group with me growing up. We were discussing the moment when you meet your soulmate, and I said it should be epic and once-in-a-lifetime, but they all seemed indifferent and blasé about it. Like, “Eh, I could take it or leave it.” Interestingly, that was possibly an exact conversation I might’ve had with them back in the day. I’ve always been interested in soulmates, and they’ve always been shallow and vapid, sort of snobbish.
I looked up one former friend on social media after dreaming of her last night. She hasn’t changed much. When she was in middle school, she was thirteen going on thirty and totally ready to be an adult. People were already asking her which college she’d attend. In middle school. That’s right. She was three years younger than me but so snooty.
A few years ago, she married a nice man and I was happy for her. It seems now that they’ve parted ways without unfriending each other on social media. Her relationship status is blank again. On her profile all of her selfies make her look super-glam. But on his profile there’s a “normal” photo of her without the glam: no glitzy sunglasses, no makeup, no seductive pinched-mouth pose, just her standing and smiling next to him. I wonder if he’s her soulmate and if so, if they appreciate each other. I’ve heard that some soulmate relationships can be difficult or go wrong, but I find it hard to believe. I’d love to meet mine.
She had a knockout singing voice and always got the leads in our church musicals. My intuition tells me that she went to college to major in voice and was probably told to sing more operatically and less musically (i.e., how you’d sing for a musical, which I’m not sure if there’s a word for), and now I don’t think she sings anymore. She has a good job, though, and also designs jewelry.
Anyway, after all those dreams I awoke, came out from under my blanket, and got a nice kiss from LuLu the pup. She can tell by my breathing when I’m about to surface, and she always comes and waits patiently a minute beforehand. She’s a delightful therapy dog. In recent walks with her, she’s consoled a woman who had to put her dog down and helped another woman overcome a large-dog phobia. LuLu rocks! But some people she just barks at.
At this point I’m looking forward to going to bed! In my dreams I come alive. It’s amazing.