Prince Albert in a can!

Guess what? I’ve created a new diet for myself. I’m calling it the canned foods diet. I guess it’s rather self-explanatory. I’m not wanting to only eat canned foods. Technically, I don’t care what I eat if it’s healthy. But I’ve realized that canned foods are affordable, healthy (I’m trying to get BPA-free cans), and tasty. Who the freak knew?!

So, yeah. Today, I ate a can of corn lightly seasoned with sea salt. (Hold the butter. Yucks.) It didn’t even require cooking. And then I had a fruit cocktail with no added sugar. It wasn’t bad! I also know I like canned pairs; and I bought some green beans, beets, and mushrooms to try, because I like those non-canned, so here’s hoping.

I mean, could I possibly have a weight issue if my normal snacking tendency would be to open a can of corn? No, really, would I? It’s like those guys on SNL who are sharing a friendly head of lettuce. I’ve always figured that overeating would be a non-issue if you’re overeating veggies. Like, “Whoa, you’re eating too many of those brussel sprouts! Slow down–you’ll gain weight,” said no one ever.

(Overeating isn’t really my issue, I don’t think. I just love me some junk food!)

So, we’ll see how it goes. It made me realize that my problem is habits and lifestyle choices. Here’s the thing: there are bad choices that I can make all day long. When I wake up at around 10:00 or 11:00 AM, the first bad choice would be going to the local pastry shop and getting a bagel and a huge cookie for brunch, or some such. That’s strike 1.

The next mistake would be eating dinner several hours later by heating up some chicken nuggets and tater tots. Strike 2.

And the third mistake would be going to the drugstore late at night and buying chips, ice cream, and… more chips. (We’re being honest here, right? Yeah, more chips.) Strike 3.

It’s sort of become my expected normal, and I need to veer away from that. I’m sure I can find a way to eat unhealthy stuff in moderation if I try hard enough. But in the meantime, pass the beets!

It occurred to me that I just need some canned food onhand for all three of those daily occurrences (although I’m not opposed to eating something more filling for dinner like grilled chicken, etc.). As crazy as this sounds, it’s 11:00 PM now, and if I need a late-night snack, it’s going to be mushrooms. I know, right? It seems weird to me, too. But prior to today, it never occurred to me to give consideration to any groceries in the canned foods aisle. New discovery!

*****

In other news, I met with my life coach today (virtually–she lives in South Africa). I like her a lot because she’s like a therapist but without the credentials. I know people typically consider it better to have more credentials, but… [shudders]… I’ve had too many bad therapists.

My life coach, Leonie, really cares about me as a friend and is great at helping me process what’s going down. We discussed the grocery store incident and how it played into my mother’s power struggles when I was growing up, but she also helped me think up a strategy: I’m going to earn points every time I feel antagonized and don’t react. (Minor reactions probably won’t count. We’re talking major meltdowns here.)

It’s not about earning rewards, but who doesn’t love rewards? It’s about coming to see that someone can push all my buttons and “get away with it”, and I can survive it. That I’ll still be alive even though I left behind the opportunity to tell the person off. So I want to accrue ten points to gain confidence. Also included would be angry emails. That’s been substantially less of an issue lately, but you never know. Points! Confidence.

She was trying to motivate me by pointing out my professional author reputation, but… there are never any sales, except for when I do promos, which all cost more than the sales by a multiple. So I realized she was trying to find a way to motivate me, and it got me to thinking, and I came up with the points thing. For one thing, I have many, many people in my life who would be massively proud of me if I were to just walk away. And it would give me confidence, like I said.

Oh! So she told me to buy a rainbow keychain, or some such, so I have rainbows onhand at all times. She pointed out that when I think of rainbows, I get giddy with joy. Colors! Rainbowfy! Not a bad idea. I ordered a rainbow bracelet on Amazon. Wearing it will remind me of my mission. Be virtuous! Develop good comportment. Walk with your head held high. Act like a lady.

I’m excited for my birthday on Monday! I’ll be 44, which seems like a nice number. It’s double, like my birthyear of 1977. (I’m a numbers freak.) I was born on Tuesday, May 10th, and if I’d been born three days later… yeah. Friday the 13th!! Too bad, so sad! I like the 10th. 5-10-77 is pretty.

*****

Sorry this blog post is so long! It’s tomorrow now, and I never bothered to publish the above post, so now I’m adding onto it! Here I am, still eating canned food. I know, right? It’s wild. It makes life a lot easier. I used to try eating healthy in a moderate way, but that never panned out. I’m going to get some Wasa bread to eat with the canned food. (Meg needs some crunch.) The stuff’s so gross that it has to be healthy.

I earned a point today. I went to the UPS store to make some Amazon returns, and the lady there started yelling at me. For seriousness. I’m starting to think the problem isn’t me, but everyone else.

Gorgeous one, that’s a dangerous and intoxicating idea. Nix it. 

Well, anyway, I gave her some labeled boxes for returns, and then I handed her some printed out QR codes since I don’t use a cellphone. I had three unpackaged paperbacks that corresponded to the two QR codes. She yelled, “I need to know which books these go with!”

“Uh, one is for two of these books, and the other is for the third,” I replied.

“No! No! No! I need to know specifically, you moron!” (She didn’t really call me a moron, but trust me on this: she was being very mean about it, and for no good reason.) (I don’t get triggered if someone’s nice about it, but when they act like I should’ve known and they’re needlessly mean about it, I just can’t cope.)

“Oh. I figured you could scan these, and it would show on your screen,” I mumbled.

“No! It doesn’t work that way! Do you think I’m a mindreader? Look, my screen has no information on it when I scan this.” She turned her screen toward me.

“Yeah, I didn’t actually think you were lying about it,” I uttered darkly.

“I know,” she said right away. Score for Meg. “Do you have a cellphone?”

“No, I don’t use one.”

“Well, what do you expect me to do?!” She seemed to have come undone. Her voice had a desperate edge to it. “I’m only trying to guarantee that you get your refund.”

I rolled my eyes. Too little, too late. She should’ve opened with that instead of tacking it on as a last-minute justification for being a [bleep].

So many things I wanted to say. I collected my printouts and the three anger management books that failed to help me (ohhh, the bitter irony of it all) and stormed out.

“Do you want a receipt for these other two packages?” she called after me.

I ignored her. But suffice it to say that if the two packaged returns don’t wind up back at Amazon, then Amazon will be getting an earful from me about my UPS experience.

So, yeah, I just earned a point because I kept my cool. I’m like The Rock Obama from SNL. I’m cool… when I’m not engaging in defenestration.

So, this gets better. Then, I went to the gym, which is next-door to the UPS store. And… I did my treadmill routine again! Yeah, I’m back in action. I’m surprised it went so well, but I was so excited! Go me.

Maybe there’s something to be said for moderate expressions of anger. I don’t hate myself for being a bit snarky to her, since she started it. And I’d have to come home and match up the QR codes anyway.

So, things are going great! Thanks for reading! I hope everyone out there is having a great day!! 🙂

4 thoughts on “Prince Albert in a can!

  1. Curious to know if you enjoy the canned green beans, they’re way too soggy for me! And fruit cocktail ☺️😲😵 haven’t had those in ages.. But then again I’m such a picky eater! Kudos to you for trying something new though to see what sticks!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohh! I’ve been running everything (non-fruit) through a sieve to deliquefy(?) it! So I shake all the water out of the green beans!! Yeah, I like them a lot! I ate some earlier! Thanks for the kudos!! YAY!! So far so good!!

      Liked by 1 person

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