Too much pressure! AAUGH.

I’ve been musing on the issue of blame lately. Not too long ago, someone accused me of blaming others for my problems. I really don’t think I do that. But if you think about it, it’s not so illogical. Like, “Hey, you just totalled my car! What the heck?!” Well, whose fault is that? Not mine. But the whole issue, I guess, of blaming others is that you should take personal responsibility for fixing your own problems. Like, yeah, someone else totalled my car (hypothetically), but I’ve got to get Carlene to the junkyard (curse the thought!), call the insurance company, etc. But still, though, as for the blame, I’d blame the person at fault! [Shrug.]

I think it’s more of an issue with childhood wounds and lifelong issues, and that sort of thing. I was talking to Sonya of deep things–issues, and trauma–and I told her how someone had accused me of blaming others, such as my mom. (I’d made a glib comment to this other person along the lines of, “If you knew my mother, you’d understand.”) So Sonya asked, “Well, do you blame your mom?”

And my answer was, no, I don’t. She’s a loving person whose personality became rather warped in hard-to-diagnose ways due to a horrific childhood. She was a terrible mother to me, but she doesn’t stand by those things, and she has deep regret. It’s palpable almost every time I talk to her.

Now, on the other hand, if my mom was a diehard abuser who stood by her abusive acts and spoke like she’d do it all over again, then I believe I would blame her. So I’m not sure if it’s particularly virtuous of me that I don’t blame her for my problems, or if it’s situational. It’s similar with my dad. They’re both filled with guilt and remorse and the strong desire for do-overs. So I believe it would be pointless of me to blame them for much.

But what came out when I was replying to Sonya is that I’ve been way too hard on myself lately. Like just above and beyond. I wrote to her about how I expect myself to “get over it [the child abuse issues] already,” and how mad at myself I am that I’m not at that point.

(Actually, I might be at that point. It’s sort of hard to tell. Go figure. What does healing look like, anyway?)

But, anyway, I’ve been hard on myself in other ways, too. You all saw how undone I came when my shin splints grounded my exercise efforts. And thank you all for the support! You all are the best!

My omniscient inner voice is saying, it’s a sports injury, Meg, so why are you blaming yourself?! You can’t use the treadmill without aggravating the injury! But it’s not your friggalutin’ fault! Blame the sports-injury fairy, why don’t you? 

(Bad fairy.)

And then I’ve also been too hard on myself in a third way, but I can’t quite recall what it is now… Hmm… my memory’s so shot! I think it’s the psych meds. Heck, I hope it’s the psych meds.

Hmm… what’s the third way I’ve been hard on myself? Well, I recently put pressure on myself to go down on Seroquel (with the goal of weight loss), and I kept trying and trying to sleep soundly through the night on less Seroquel (200 mg instead of 300 mg) with supplements, and I wound up just coming undone. Um. [I’m shaking my head at myself right now.] It was fine to try, but to keep trying, at the expense of my own sanity? I should’ve given up after two or three nights, tops.

Maybe this isn’t about blaming myself. Or it is, but the other issue is that I just put undue pressure on myself because I’m so freakin’ stubborn, and when things go wrong, I blame myself for it, albeit irrationally. I know logically that it’s the right thing to let my shins heal from the overexertion, and I also know logically that it’s not my fault that I need 300 mg of Seroquel to sleep soundly–it’s the whole reason I started taking it in the first place. But I put pressure on myself to change things that are out of my hands.

Why? Why am I beating up on myself and putting pressure on myself like this? Hmm… it just seems ridic. I’m usually nicer to myself and more aware of my human limitations, but lately, I swear, my psyche feels fractured. I have this awful feeling that I’m not living up to expectations. (Whose expectations, Meg?) (No clue.)

Huh. Well, a lot’s been going on, and I feel stressed. Today I’m like a zombie. I’ve been overdoing it on the treadmill, and I’m afraid I can’t handle the exertion. I’m toying with changing the goal to forty minutes twice a day instead of fifty. I could do something like that. My dad says I should just go once a day, and I was like, “Yeah, I’d only lose five pounds all year if I do that.” I’ve realized that for weight loss, especially with my appetite, I’ve got to get hardcore into exercising. But I’ll figure something out. There should be some moderation between not doing enough to make a difference and exhausting myself. Hmm….

So anyway, I’ve been putting insane pressure on myself. I should quit doing that!

Today’s advice column from Miss Manners was priceless:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a meeting at work where a co-worker had a very embarrassing moment. I thought her recovery was remarkable, so I wrote an email about the incident to a friend:

“Melissa farted during the presentation to the exec committee. Yikes! And of course this would happen in front of the whole team in the first-floor conference room. She stood up, introduced herself, and let one rip. Of all the things!! NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED. Instead of dying of embarrassment, she said, ‘Oh, wow. Excuse me! I wanted to finish with a bang, not start with one.’ Everybody laughed! She and Mark were able to get through it all with no other, ahem, ‘hiccups.’ Mr. Hartley said the presentation was terrific and thanked her for a ‘memorable morning.’ Maybe it was good luck!”

I sent this email to the wrong person, who then tweeted it out for laughs. I didn’t mention her last name or the name of the company. Should I tell my co-worker what happened, or just hope she never hears about it?

GENTLE READER: To what end? To show that you are repentant and will never do it again? Look up. That boat has drifted.

Miss Manners hardly sees any purpose in going out of your way to point out the tweet to Melissa now. If she does find out, you may say that you are sorry and meant the summary to be flattering. To further soften the humiliation, you can let her know that Miss Manners commends her on her graceful recovery — if not performance. (c) MISS MANNERS

I’m speechless. But I’ll give this a solid 5-stars for content alone. Big thumbs-up!

4 thoughts on “Too much pressure! AAUGH.

  1. I like this: “Look up. That boat has drifted.”

    I say there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of blame; it just depends on what you do with it. Did you childhood, and particularly the abuse, influence how you relate to the world now? Of course it did. But you can’t control that; all you can do is look for things you can control. I’ve also noticed lately that you’re hard on yourself for things that aren’t in your control. Like trying to go down on the Seroquel—that was doomed from the start, but you persisted for quite a while with it, when that energy could have been better used elsewhere.

    Do you think you might be pushing too hard for the weight gain? You were doing awesome with the treadmill until your injury, but it didn’t seem like it was likely to be sustainable. I wonder if part of why you’ve gotten so hard on yourself is that you’ve been trying hard with the weight loss but not getting the results you want.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yeah, for sure, I’m frustrated by the lack of weight loss. And I’m not sure if the treadmilling isn’t sustainable, but it’s on a close border between what could be sustainable and what isn’t. A very fine line. I’m not sure what to do about it, but I’ll have to give it some thought. I’ve decided to stay off the treadmill until Thursday. I’m going on the road on Wednesday to get vaccine #2, and that’s important, and it’ll take energy. So between now and then my shins can heal (I’d hope) and I can ponder it!

      And yeah, I have no clue why I keep expecting myself to fix things that can’t be fixed. Hmm… you’re right, though, it all seems to tie into weight loss. The Seroquel, the exercising, that’s what it’s all about! I’m incredibly frustrated by it!!

      However, the Seroquel experience wasn’t entirely without merit. I learned from it that I need 300 mg of Seroquel. It was worth it to find out, because why take more meds than needed? I also discovered that I love liquid Valerian. The stuff’s sort of expensive, but I never would’ve discovered it otherwise. But for sure, I should be less ridiculously stubborn.

      What’s weird is that my dad has encountered a lot of people both conversationally and close friends of his who have also been trying to get off of the Seroquel. It’s a weird coincidence.

      So I’ll just spend some time in reflection here. In the meantime, I’m doing spring cleaning for the whole first floor and ideally parts of the basement, so I’ll be plenty busy with the extra energy that I’d lose on the treadmill.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This reminds me of a great quote, I believe it was Mary J. Blige, “I blame you nothing and forgive you everything.” I have a complex relationship with my parents too. While I feel in some sense they did the best they could (situationally) to raise us kids, I still feel like they could have done a bit better in other ways too. Don’t be so hard on yourself, everything takes time, including injuries to heal 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s so wise!! I love the quote!! Thanks!! 🙂 It’s beautiful and quite virtuous!! I’m not familiar with her music (or I am without knowing it!). I’m glad I’m not the only person who has a tricky relationship with the ‘rents! I see what you mean! Your parents raised three daughters close in age, right? I can’t imagine. (Just the thought of having one kid leaves me exhausted!) Indeed, it’s hard not to feel resentment over things! But you make me realize such a good point. There’s no perfection, in being a parent, or in being the daughter, or anyone!! There’s only so much we could hope for, I’d guess!! I love how you’re putting all your passion for good parenting into raising your daughter! She’s a lucky little girl!!

      Thanks for the encouragement!! I’ve got some new hiking shoes, and I’m pretty sure that these will be great on the treadmill when I go back to it!! YAY!!

      Liked by 1 person

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