I’m feeling quite better today, and I’ve done some massive soul-searching. I realized that there are two separate dynamics going on here. One is when I push people away because they’re being insensitive toward me. The other is when I alienate men who reject me romantically. The latter is one that I’ve struggled with for a long time and have desperately tried to overcome. The former issue acted up recently and made me terrified that I haven’t overcome the latter issue as well as I’d hoped. The two things got tied together in my mind and left me demoralized.
But let’s look at the evidence. There was one guy who rejected me romantically late last fall, I’m thinking October or November. I got upset and sent him one (count it, one) angry email saying something like, “You can’t see past yourself,” or some such. Now, for me, that’s massive progress. Angrier Meg would have sent him a deluge of emails. Yeah. But I was like, whatever, it is what it is.
And so recently, when the other issue acted up of someone being insensitive to me, I feared there was overlap, but it’s a separate situation for me. It’s not unlike how I fired my latest therapist for telling me that my sexuality is “creepy” and that only a pedophile would ever want to have sex with me.
And when I realized that they’re separate issues, and that in theory, I might react not too badly if another man were to reject me, I felt such intense relief. Because, let’s face it. We want to push away people who aren’t good for us (like with my last therapist). I’m not trying to sound critical, but some personality types clash: introvert versus extrovert, sensitive versus straightforward. It doesn’t necessarily mean anyone’s at fault, but those relationships probably aren’t built to last.
I feel so much better now. Oh my gosh. I took four sleepytime pills last night (it’s allowed) and I was out cold. I needed that like no one’s business. I think I slept for over twelve hours. Thank God. I’m glad I did all that soul-searching.
Now, despite all that turmoil, I have a lot to look forward to. I’m getting contest results in nine days. There’ll be other great things happening, too. And today I’m going to Target… SHOPPING SPREE!!
I hope everyone out there is having a great day!! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!