Get over it already!

It’s really strange, but I’ve noticed lately how often my relationship issues trigger my childhood abuse issues. They’re very, very interconnected.

And the problem is that when the abuse issues get triggered, I freakin’ get mad at myself. Like, really Meg, get over your trauma (and other bad things) already. And the problem is that I’m spiritually ambitious, and I expect myself to get over it already. I really expect it. Like, what else did I come into this life for but to learn to heal, learn to value myself, and learn to be compassionate toward myself?

Well! I hate the vicious cycle I go through of getting triggered by a seemingly unrelated relationship issue, which is followed by my extreme inner criticism and self-blame.

It weakens my self-esteem, but it also makes me wonder, objectively, if I’m being too hard on myself. First of all, everyone has issues. Second of all, what I’ve experienced in life is hellish and horrific, not to overstate it. Third of all, once you’ve seen past that door and become aware of what humanity is capable of, you never fully come back from it. It’s like… how to put it… it’s like you’ve been given a glimpse of hell, but you find out that hell is on earth, and you never see things the same way again. That’s hard (if not impossible) to fully come back from.

I think I expect too much from myself. Unless or until doctors can give you specific amnesia (or some such), then there’s no possible way to heal to the extent that it may as well have never happened in the first place. That’s asking too much of myself (or of anyone), so why do I keep beating up on myself over it?!

It makes no sense, because I have huge reserves of compassion for everyone else. The way I talk to myself is not the way I’d talk to a friend under similar circumstances. But I swear, I feel like it’s my goal in life to “get over it already,” and every time I’m reminded or forced to face the fact that I’m not there, I get mad at myself. What to do?

I think I need to reframe it. For one thing, my relationship disasters have become less intense, and they occur less often. That’s progress, right? (Someone please tell me it’s progress.) Secondly, I’ve planted a tiny seed of self-worth (as being separate from self-esteem–my self-esteem’s fine) that I’ve been nurturing and trying to help grow. Third, I’m starting to recognize when relationship disasters weren’t 100% my fault. And I’ll tell myself, yeah, I shouldn’t have done that, but then I tried to save the relationship and failed, so maybe I wasn’t meant to be friends with them. 

Because Sonya pointed out to me recently that both parties in a relationship need to make an effort. One person can’t carry it alone. Like with my psychic friend, Ash, I was fortunately able to recognize (eventually) that I hadn’t done anything wrong. I think Ashley Leia pointed out that she was having issues that she needed to address. (And thank you for that! Shout-out!)

Because this cycle is harmful to me: a friend and I exchange heated words → I blame myself and try to apologize → the friend is still mad → I descend into abject self-hatred → I blame myself some more → my abuse issues get triggered → I become afraid that I’ll never overcome the abuse I suffered → I feel demoralized.

It’s awful. I’m not sure how to be more… gentle to myself? Oh well. All thoughts welcome!

4 thoughts on “Get over it already!

  1. I don’t recall offhand, but have you ever done Freudian-style psychodynamic therapy? EMDR may help the trauma memories back off a bit, but you’ve got a lot of other stuff woven into it that seems like it could potentially be separated out. I agree that you’ve made progress, and I wonder if that kind of therapy could help with identifying linkages before things start to fall apart. Because i bet if you were able to identify earlier that things were triggering your trauma issues, you’d be able to handle those situations more effectively.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!! That’s very kind of you!! The only problem is that I’d have to find a therapist. [Makes face.] Maybe there are self-help books? I like what you’re onto!! It makes sense… recognize the patterns from the beginning. Something to think about!! Thanks so much!!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I was going to ask about therapy as well. I’m a huge fan, have been through it multiple times (independently and with husband). It’s helpful to unpack ones own cluttered mind and organize thoughts…. Something to think about..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohhh, there’s a history there! I’ve had at least ten bad (and I do mean bad) therapists!! I can’t seem to find one who doesn’t manage to hurt me!! That’s the Cliff’s Notes version. But your advice is sound!! I do wish therapy could actually work for me!! Fortunately, even though therapy for me seems to always end in disaster, I do benefit from soul-searching, self-help books, blogging, and that sort of thing! I’m super-glad that therapy has been helpful for you!! That’s great!!

      Like, some of the best examples I can give here are that one therapist accused me of being suicidal, when in reality I was manic. Now, if being thrilled to death and high as a kite and wanting to kill yourself do, in fact, have some sort of overlap, then I’d love to know what it is.

      Then my last therapist told me that my sexuality is “creepy” and that only a pedophile would want to have sex with me because of how my sexual awareness is so childlike.

      Then there was the therapist who spent the whole hour telling me about her patients’ traumas. And the one who kicked me out of her office when I asked her to please not call me M-word (my birthname). And the one who was consistenly half an hour late and then ended early, and claimed in his defense that some patients were bound to “fall through the cracks”. And then the one who came onto me and asked if I’m promiscuous and was disappointed when I said, “No.” You’ve got me started! 😀 No, it’s all good. Suffice it to say, I’ve lost faith in the therapeutic profession. At this point, I’d rather pay a layman to deal with my problems. I swear, something goes wrong in higher education, and therapists are… I have no clue. If I had to guess, they feel threatened by my tendency to know what’s best for me in therapy (like if I say, “I’m not ready to talk about that,” then the therapist’s ego feels threatened, and then it’s all downhill from there).

      Liked by 1 person

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