I’ve got it! But I’m still angry.

I booked a talk session with my life coach, and I felt close to getting to the problem during our session, and then I lay in bed to take a nap, and it sort of hit me.

I couldn’t understand why I was so upset about what happened, especially that particular part of it (where the guy chased us and yelled at us) versus all the stuff that went wrong later (when I had a total meltdown and got into it with someone). I think I realize what it goes back to now, though, but I could be wrong.

When I was in third grade and thereabouts, as many of you might already know, my mom used to chase me through the house. She’d deliberately seek me out, wherever I was, and she’d engage me in some sort of ridiculous power struggle. I’d be resistant, and she’d fall on her hands and knees on the carpet and sob and say, “You’re manipulative and sadistic. You’re playing the ‘let’s upset Mommy today’ game and winning. You enjoy upsetting me.” Tears all over the place. Total hysteria. She’d beg and plead for me to be cooperative, but when I tried, it wasn’t cooperative enough. Like, “No, hold still! I can’t get your hair right! You’ll fail your third-grade presentation and our lives will be ruined.”

It seems sort of obvious now. That guy was chasing me–pursuing me, and then he drenched me in his angst. On some level, I must’ve believed he was blaming me for his problems, and I tend to have a rather visceral reaction to that sort of thing. I mean, when I was a kid, I’d start shrieking my lungs out when my mom would pull that crap. Total out-of-control tantrum. I’d just lose it completely. Then she’d spank me, and I’d escape to safety. Until later, and then it would happen again.

I grew up thinking I was a horrible person. Not just because my mom’s craziness was my fault, but because I couldn’t control my temper.

That guy really shouldn’t have dumped his toxic energy all over my dad and me after chasing us. When you add in the fact that we broke the rule of being inside (despite there being no signs to guide us otherwise), it was like my crazy childhood all over again. I never knew what I was doing wrong to make my mom crazy. I just knew I was doing it. I’m extremely sensitive to being yelled at for breaking rules that I didn’t know about, and therefore can’t obey. Like, “What are you doing here? This part of the store’s closed for remodeling.” And it’s like, could you have put a sign somewhere saying as much? Or could you have maybe cordoned off the area? 

IT’S NOT MY FAULT. NO ONE TOLD ME THE RIGHT WAY TO ACT. QUIT BLAMING ME FOR SOMETHING I HAD NO CONTROL OVER. IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO FOLLOW YOUR RULES, MAYBE MAKE A SIGN. 

That really pushes my buttons. And it triggers me to the extent that I want to return it to the other person. As a child, I threw tantrums because I couldn’t contain my mom’s crazy energy within myself. I felt like a pressure cooker. But then it became a way of getting her to back off and know that I wasn’t capable of “reasoning” with. (I put that in quotes, because my mom has a really warped definition of reasoning.) It became a defense, like the way I shriek whenever a stray dog approaches me and LuLu. Your voice is the best defense.

I think I felt like that guy was saying, “I’m exhausted from working here, but you just had to come into the cafeteria. You did it on purpose to ruin my night and to destroy me, didn’t you? And after all my hard work to give you ingrates a good fish fry. You’re sadistic and manipulative. It’s who you are and what you do, and I expect you to read my mind about the rules, since I don’t feel like writing out a helpful sign.”

And after sucker-punching me like that, he ran away, because his level of self-importance was extremely high.

I’m sure I should feel bad and be apologetic by now, but I’m still seething with rage. In good news, I’m not angry enough to start up with the angry emails again… I hope. But I feel furious. People just shouldn’t accost strangers like that. It serves nothing.

But it’s never good when my inner bully comes out. I should really leave the Catholics alone already. But I hate them. A lot.

2 thoughts on “I’ve got it! But I’m still angry.

  1. Your dad sounds like not the most reliable witness, but did he sense the toxic energy? Because I think that makes a difference here. If you’re perhaps overreacting to his behaviour, that’s one issue, but if you’re misinterpreting his behaviour as hostile when it wasn’t, that’s a different issue.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very interesting! The problem is that my dad likes everyone and never sees anything wrong, and at times like these when I beg and plead with him to admit it happened the way I said, he refuses to do so. And that leaves me in the dark. He thinks the guy was being nice about it. However, my dad’s own reaction to him was to run out the door before adequately explaining the situation. I agree that he’s not a good witness. And he’s consistently on the side of NOT being paranoid. Ugh.

      Liked by 2 people

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