I’m cured!

… And I don’t say that lightly. I have a long list of mental illnesses, but one of them just got crossed off the list. Holy flip. I think I might have misdiagnosed it.

My official diagnoses are schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type; and pure-O (obsessive-compulsive disorder without compulsions). I doubt anyone who knows me would say I don’t have PTSD, but I’ve never bothered to get diagnosed with it. I just accept it as fact.

It’s been the same way with my seasonal issues. Unlike seasonal affective disorder, in which people get depressed in winter, I’ve historically become more obsessive (read: irrational) in winter. I figured it’s just how my brain chemistry reacts to shorter days and less sunlight. And the logic there is that both depression and OCD are treated with the same drugs (antidepressants), so similar brain chemistry must be involved (but I’m no scientist).

My wintertime problems have always started on January 1st exactly. Exactly. My thinking has always been that I love the holidays but I’m afraid of the new year. I’ve also believed that my brain chemistry can’t cope with January, February, and March due to the seasonal sunlight issues.

I have a few new theories now, but I should mention that the reason I’ve been retheorizing is that it’s halfway between January 1st and the end of March, and I’ve felt great all year. This is unprecedented, to use a current buzzword. I’ve come to fear winter. I’ve often warned my nearest and dearest that things can get ugly and that I might get hysterical, hormonal, and unhinged.

I never noticed the connection, but every winter, I’d get trauma-triggered all the time. Last summer, I finally got some EMDR to fix the trauma, and I freakin’ think it worked! I had no idea that it would mean that wintertime is now going to be fine! But it’s sunk in. I’m healed. One major issue in my life is gone.

So my new theory is that the trauma I experienced happened during winter, on or around the new year. It would make sense because I was dressed warmly at the time. I’d surely never dress warmly in summertime, because we didn’t even have central air. (We had a huge fan. For seriousness.)

So I never had seasonal issues, beyond maybe minor ones. (I’m still taking extra Prozac this year as I do every year, but this is the first year I feel good!) I can’t believe it. I’ve overcome a major life hurdle. I feel very proud.

And it’s weird, because the therapist who did the EMDR with me later tried to destroy me by calling my sexuality creepy and saying that only a pedophile would want to sleep with me due to how childlike and innocent I am. I have an odd habit of being helped by people, and then our relationships implode (because they’re not high-quality people… this isn’t on me) and we part ways. And I’m left with the weird sense that they helped me greatly but then tried to hurt me, and the only way I can make sense of it is to think that it must all be karmic. They must all owe me something from past lives, and then they’re all like, “I’ve paid my debt to you, and now I’m so out of here. I still hate you, by the way.”

Hey, I’ll take it! It works for me.

Problems can seem so insurmountable, but this reaffirms that things can be overcome. I’m sure there will be great happiness in my future.

So let’s go sledding! We can enjoy the wintry wonderland. I wish for blessings and hope for everyone who reads this!

I just hope it takes. But now I know what to watch for. If winter ever becomes an issue again, I’ll get more EMDR.

6 thoughts on “I’m cured!

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