As long as I’m awake

Bad news. My psychic friend, Ash, seems to be having some issues. You all know that I’m a bit slow to recognize that something’s wrong. I’m a bit dense at times, and I sort of blame myself for that.

I often have facebook open all day, because today for example, I’ve been working on my memoir and my submission docs, and I submitted to several agents over the course of several hours. (I’ll do more tomorrow.) Whenever I’m doing anything at the computer, I just keep facebook and my email open.

I rather stupidly emailed her about a small problem I was having, and she acted aggrieved, like she was sick of hearing from me. I acted as if I misunderstood her, like she was just making a joke, or something. It sort of hurt my feelings and made me worry that I’m too self-absorbed, although Ash is always free to discuss any issues she’s having with me.

I finally started worrying about her when it clicked in my head that she’s been updating her status all the time. So I counted, and she’s updated her status around forty times in the past 24 hours.

Several hours passed, and then I started wondering why she’d updated her status forty times, and with some rather arcane and cryptic statuses at that.

So I sent her a message:

Are you okay? You seem sort of… manic. 

She read that message. I waited patiently. No response.

Is everything all right? 

She logged in and ignored that message, not reading it. She logged back out.

I can tell something’s wrong…

Are you okay? 

And she blocked me.

So here I am, wide awake after 2:00 in the morning, worrying about her. Geez.

Her status updates were rather hostile, like, “If anyone PMs me with their personal problems and no intention of paying me, I’ll block you!”

I should mention that I ALWAYS pay for her psychic counsel. In fact, one time she said I should only pay her if I wanted to, and I did! But after I made the shocked-face reaction to that post, she blocked me.

This is worrisome. I’m not sure if I’ll fall asleep soon.

Her other status updates said things like, “My pets are none of your business!” and they alluded to someone stalking her in her apartment complex. The posts seemed rather paranoid and manic.

I just sent her an email.

I’m really worried about you. Did something go wrong? Talk to me!!

Like, what the hell? I don’t even know what to do with myself now. I’m not remotely bedtime-sleepy. I just keep hitting refresh and seeing a screen that says, “This content isn’t available right now.”

I’ve got an idea! I’ll log into my stalker account and see what she’s been posting. Okay…

Nothing there. Her last public post was four hours ago.

Should I try to contact her parents? Well, not at this hour. But I could message them on social media. I don’t know. This is just disturbing.

There were a lot of posts about protecting personal boundaries and blocking people. I hope she wasn’t assaulted, or something. Her other posts seemed random: commentary on Florida’s lawyer commercials, animated film scenes, and other stuff. But a lot of it sounded hostile and accusatory in weirdly undefinable and undirected ways.

Maybe she doesn’t trust me to be supportive. She and I have vastly differing beliefs. She’s rejected science altogether and believes that you can truly manifest whatever you want: money, love, etc., including growing a new arm or leg if you’re an amputee. She’s been talking about taking on… darn it, I got an email just now, but it wasn’t from her… clients who will pay her $50,000.

Anyway, one time I said, “Well, let’s not completely discredit science,” and she got really upset. So maybe I’m not the best person for her to talk to now. 😦 But still. She knows I care and that I try to hold my tongue about such things more often than not.

I don’t even know if I should grieve our friendship or hope to hear from her again. But it’s too much to think about at 2:30 in the morning. Vulnerability scares me. Her parents sort of kicked her out, I think, so she moved from Louisville to Orlando. Now she’s been planning to move to Los Angeles and be a psychic to the stars. Thinking of how fragile that dream seems is making me tear up here. On butterfly wings.

It would be interesting if she’s become mentally ill. She doesn’t believe in taking psychiatric medications. She believes that the body and soul can heal all illnesses. Oh good Lord. She’d refuse to take any.

Maybe I’m overreacting to this. Maybe she’s being petulant and… okay, I’m shaking my head at that. I can’t sell myself on it. Oh well.

Well, I sent the email 18 minutes ago, and no response. Crapola.

As long as I’m awake, I’m just going to sit here and wait and maybe hit refresh ever so often… what else can I do?

I’m getting a bit sleepy at long last. My vigil won’t last the night. Not that I’d want it to. I need sleep. But I’m worried. Maybe I’ll stay up a while longer.

She’s not going to contact you, Meg. 

You don’t know that for sure, inner voice!

Okay, pep talk. Whatever’s going on here, it’s not my fault. I did nothing wrong beyond being obtuse, as I so often am. (It can’t hurt to spell things out for me, especially if you need help.) Clearly her communication skills are lacking. That, AND she doesn’t want to talk to me.

Of course her communication skills are affected! Something awful might’ve happened. 

Yes, or she’s just gone incommunicado because it serves her to push people away. Maybe she has a lifelong habit of doing this. Maybe I’d rather worry than feel justifiably hurt.

I don’t know. Tomorrow’s going to be one of those days where I’m afraid to go online and check my email and social media. It’s all too scary right now. And we’re coming up on 3:00 in the morning. [Facepalm.] I don’t know what to do.

I guess I can stay here at the computer for a while longer. As long as I’m awake…

6 thoughts on “As long as I’m awake

    1. Thanks for the support! I think I conked out at around 3:00? I slept until 1:30, but I’m a late sleeper, anyway, so that’s no huge deal. Nothing. Not a word from her, and I’m still blocked on her facebook. Numbness is setting in here. I’ll keep you posted!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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