Dear Amy: I’m a woman, currently dating a man younger than me.
He pursued me relentlessly before I agreed to go out with him.
On our first date, I leaned in to kiss him and he got a terrified look on his face and blurted out, “I’m gay!”
I immediately left and avoided him for days.
He convinced me that he was just trying to shock me, and was just messing around.
Okay, sure — maybe that’s true, but every single time we’re together he brings up different scenarios, and asks me things like, “What would you do if you caught me kissing this guy or that guy?”
I asked him the other night why we never go to his place and his answer was, “I don’t know, maybe I’m gay.”
I’m pretty open-minded, but this really is getting old.
I believe he might be closeted and in denial.
Unsure: My thoughts: If you try to kiss someone and he recoils in terror, saying, “I’m gay,” then he’s most likely gay.
If he consistently brings up scenarios where he speculates about your reaction to him kissing this guy or that, then he’s at least gay-adjacent or bi-curious.
If you ask him why you don’t go to his place, or why he didn’t finish his entree, or why he likes the color green and he says, “I don’t know, maybe I’m gay,” then — yep.
My point is that according to you, just about every question you ask him — regardless of the topic — seems to swing around to him being — or not being — gay.
There are probably many great reasons this man wants to date you. But he also seems eager to find ways to talk about his own sexuality.
You could ask him if he is at a sexual crossroads. Would he like to talk about it in an honest, noninvasive way?
If you want to be sexually active with him and he finds all sorts of reasons to avoid or evade physical contact with you, then it’s time for you to make a decision about being with him, based on your own desires, and not his. (c) Ask Amy
Is this letter writer for real? Can she tell a cat from and a dog, or a spoon from a fork? What level of ignorance could possibly account for her inability to tell that her date is gay?
I have no clue how she could be so ignorant, but it’s frustrating as all get-out. This guy is begging and pleading with her to validate him, but she’s too clueless to offer him that. For that reason, I feel sorry for him. It can he hard to have some sort of sexual difference from most people, and it can be helpful to be told, “You’re okay the way you are, and it’s all good.” But this letter writer’s too clueless to give that gift to this poor guy, so here’s hoping he finds it from someone else.
Yeah, the letter writer seems hung up on the mystery, which is mind-boggling since the answer’s so obvious. It’s like that old sketch on Sesame Street where Bert says to Ernie, “Hey, Ernie, you have a banana in your ear,” and Ernie replies, “What? I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.”
The letter writer needs to realize that this isn’t about her, and then she needs to be there for this guy. Obviously there won’t be any romance here, but she’s already figured that out and is now treating him like a novelty in a curiosity shop. Ugh. Not cool. Tell him it’s okay!! Geez. The letter writer strikes me as being sort of amused by this situation, which is coldhearted and somewhat inhumane. She should at least try to imagine what it must be like to be in a sexual minority.