I’m finally and officially writing off the guy I like in Thailand. I don’t know what’s going on inside his head, and I’m through playing guessing games. We’re all adults, but he can’t seem to express his thoughts or feelings to save himself.
I don’t mean to sound overly critical, though, because I understand that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. I’m just sort of vexed and resigned.
Several days ago I was telling him about my psychic friend, Ash, and he said that Tarot cards are controlling and scary. I was curious to know more about that school of thought, and I also asked what he’s into so we could discuss it instead. (I don’t have the belief that everyone in my life has to share my interests. It’s all good.) He never answered. I had the bizarre feeling that asking him what he’s into was too personal a question, but that’s silly.
So I reached out to him yesterday and told him about my NaNovel and how excited I am, and how he can be my cheerleader because he’s not writing a NaNovel this year. I asked if he was having a nice weekend and if he celebrates Halloween in Thailand. His response to this lengthy email was, “Good luck and happy writing!”
That’s nice. I mean, it’s a nice message. But it leaves me with the same old feeling of pulling teeth here to get him to talk. So I’m forced to face the possibility that he’s trying to let me know indirectly that he doesn’t really like me. Let’s face the facts. He’s too friendly to just say as much. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him say an unkind word to anyone.
Even if he does actually like me, that would mean that he simply isn’t good at expressing whatever’s going on in his head, which I suspect might be the case under any scenario here. That’s not something I can fix for him, despite my inner pull to do just that. (There I go, trying to fix other people’s problems! Down, Meg, down.) Like, at one point I suspected he doesn’t express himself well in writing, so I sent him a brief video of myself talking to him with the implication that he could video-message me as a means of communication that would be non-written. He didn’t take the hint. (And I didn’t want to spell that out for him, because the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings.)
But don’t get me wrong. If he and I can’t be more than friends, I’d still want to be friends with him. I have no idea how to communicate that to him, but it’s not like I have any issue with him on that level. I’m not at a point in my life where I can raise the issue of romance with yet another man and expect to cope well, but I’d like to be friends with him. Maybe that would even put him at ease somehow. Who knows? [Shrug.] I do value friends quite a bit.
So, I’ve got some other news as well. I’ve challenged myself this month to wait until 4:00 PM every day before eating. It’s my iffing (intermittent fasting) challenge. Now, my iffing book said that it can be helpful to mix it up by fasting different hours on different days, for different lengths of time, etc., etc., but I feel that this challenge is best for me, because I don’t have the mental focus to shift gears with my schedule each day. I lack that discipline at this time. So I’m going for the straightforward approach of eating from 4:00 until midnight. (Ideally, a seven-hour window from 4:00 to 11:00 would be great, but we’ll see how I feel each night.)
Today’s the second day for me–I did it yesterday, on Halloween, too. Right now it’s 1:46 my time, and I might eat at 3:00 simply because the time changed overnight and it should be 2:46. An extra hour of iffing! But I’m going to make every effort to hold out until 4:00, today and every day this month.
I’d also like to hit the gym, but that might be asking too much. For whatever reason, I haven’t been motivated to go to the gym. Not at all. I’m semi-active to start with, since my dad and I take several walks each day with and without the doggie, who only wants to go around the block, so she stays home during our half-hour walks. (She’s a Newfoundland. Such a sweetheart! They’re known for being a bit lethargic. And large. Very large. My sweet LuLu weighs ninety pounds, like I did in seventh grade, for crying out loud.)
And in other news, it’s NaNoWriMo! I’m going to list my goal word count and my actual word count whenever I blog. The goal word count is the day of the month times 1,667, which is 5,000 words every three days, because that equates to getting 50,000 words written by the 30th of November. So…
Today’s goal word count: 1,667
Meg’s current word count: 1,644 [in the red]
(I wrote that much after midnight and before bed last night. And the day is still young!) I’m slightly in the red there, but not to a worrisome degree. Today has ten more hours in it, for crying out loud. We’ll say blue can match the goal word count, and if/when I’m ahead, that’ll be purple. Go Meg go!!
I mean, I guess I could ask him if everything’s all right, but there are two possibilities here:
- Something’s not all right, but he doesn’t feel he can say so on his own, or
- Everything’s fine, but he’s not being communicative anyway.