I have no clue how to account for this. My life has devolved into some sort of hellish existence filled with drama and snark and pain. Surely my mother must be involved, right?
I was engaged in combat with some people, and I don’t even know what went wrong. I keep replaying it in my mind. On Monday and Tuesday, I was stressed. We all know that. But what went wrong?
While I was at my brother’s house for five hours, he asked me to be there and accept a furniture delivery and then to watch it out front to make sure no one stole it–it was too heavy for me to bring in, and the delivery people had a rule about not taking anything up the porch stairs.
I rolled out of bed thirty-five minutes after my alarm started playing, raced outside in my pyjamas and house-slippers, and drove to his house, praying I wouldn’t get mixed up by the one-way streets. Then I parked and ran in the rain for three blocks to find his house, and then I was there, and life made sense.
But during the five hours, I had no entertainment, and that felt quite mind-numbing. The delivery showed up after three hours, and the delivery guy frowned at me when I handed him the signed papers. I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. Then, while I kept an eye on the delivery out front from my brother’s window seat, several dog walkers scowled at me for having something out front that was blocking the walking path. Not my fault, people, not my fault.
My paranoia must’ve gotten triggered by all that.
My brother paid me a measly $25 for my efforts, and I asked him how to get home, but his response made no sense, so I prayed for luck on the way home. I only got turned around once… no, twice… so that was good.
When I got home, I read what my dad had written about me for the disability people. He accused me of having “preposterous” paranoid ideas, and of being incapable of having in-person relationships. He and I argued, and I was very hurt by it.
Things went to hell on the forum that afternoon/evening. I wasn’t equipped to cope with it. My paranoia must’ve been off the charts at that point. And the next day, I took my mom to the drugstore to get her flu shot. She acted like such a diva. (To my loyal followers, I’m guessing that last sentence was superfluous.)
That afternoon/evening, I equally (if not moreso) was ill-equipped to cope with the horrors of the forum. But why do I blame myself? I had nothing to do with the forum’s decision to implode. Even if I hadn’t been a stress-mess, it would’ve been impossible for me to deal with. The people over there feed on vitriol and pain. I don’t understand that dynamic. I’m the sort of person who wants to smooth things over or put them to rest.
Yeah, I can hold a grudge for years, but what I mean is that if someone makes minor steps toward reparation, I accept it; but on the forum, everyone else will keep stirring the pot and pooh-poohing those efforts, like, “Your semi-apology is an affront to us all! How dare you passive-aggressively pretend to apologize when you followed it up with a snarky comment!” I’m not like that. I like to move on and put stuff in the past, if that makes sense. Like, I don’t want to beat a deat horse. If someone’s sorry or backpedaling, I’m happy about it. But the forumites want to dig in with their talons and keep the pain cycling. I think that explains it.
This even happened to me recently. One of my very favorite friends apologized for something, and then he later read an email I’d sent him prior to that, that he hadn’t gotten to reading yet, and he replied to it, “I think I’ve apologized enough,” and I was like, “Uh, of course you have! You read that email out of order. I’m not one to beat a dead horse. I appreciate your apology and feel the need to apologize as well.”
But the dynamic of… bludgeoning someone over something is painful to me. Like, “I’m sorry I ruined your day.”
“No! You’ve ruined my whole life! You’re terrible! Let’s list everything you’ve ever done wrong!”
I can sort of see that if you’re that angry and/or suspect the apology’s insincere, but to react that way all the time creates a sort of hellish landscape that no one can ever break free from. You become trapped and suspended in a controlling universe. It’s like, you know what? The person apologized in half of their forum post. Focus on the good instead of continuing to stir the pot. That’s all I’m saying.
And the forumites flat-out refused to harmonize with that end goal in mind. It was the opposite. When there’s no give and take, you can’t successfully navigate a huge blowup. I suspect that if someone had apologized with 100% sincerity, it still would’ve been met with the dire need to keep the drama going at any cost. And that sort of sickens me. My central nervous system isn’t built for it. I’m built for peace and harmony and getting along. I’m too fragile to handle…
I’m remembering something. I took an extra Seroquel an hour ago (it’s allowed), and it’s kicking in right now. I’m remembering how my mom would withhold forgiveness for long stretches of time, during which time she’d act deeply wounded and put-upon. It was one of the things she’d do that was damaging to me. Nothing good came from it. But that doesn’t explain why I get so triggered by people who are vindictive and hurtful. My mom did way worse stuff than that. Hmm….
I mean, she blamed me for her mental issues, saying I was manipulative and sadistic, and that I enjoyed playing the “let’s upset Mommy today” game, and winning at it. Old news. So how does that tie into my inability to handle intense lack of forgiveness? I feel really close to it, but the drugs are kicking in and I’m not sure…
I guess to me, for whatever reason, when there’s no peace and everyone’s angry and being unyielding, it feels like mental torture. And it really hurts.
I might get into the miraculous nature of this tomorrow.