“You’re fired!”

I fired my therapist.

I honestly feel a bit traumatized. And I haven’t been right in the head since this went down. After I left therapy on Thursday, I swung by McDonald’s and got a huge bag of food. I entered the store with my mask on and placed my order, but the people working there weren’t cooking my food. Being a non-cellphone user, I just stood there and stared past the counter until they eventually brought my food. I was probably discomfiting them. The young woman threw the bag at me, muttered, “Here you go,” and scampered away. And no, I’m not exaggerating.

Two minutes later, I had to go back inside because there was no honey mustard sauce in the bag. Glad I checked.

I cried myself to sleep that night, and the next day (yesterday), I took two naps and mostly just hid under my blanket.

Today, I’ve gambled around $50 away. Not a good headspace.

I’m sure tomorrow will be better, but today I feel victimized. I’m not sure how to process it. Did I set myself up for it somehow? I have a long and abiding history of encountering bad therapists. Hmm… let’s think about this logically.

  • There’s a lot of hubris among therapists.
  • I’m an aching cesspool of trauma and past injury, making me a ready and willing victim.
  • I always ask therapists for EMDR (a PTSD treatment), but they can’t help but psychoanalyze me, even though that never ends well.
  • I’m like some sort of psychic conduit or mirror. Whenever a therapist sees me, I mirror their true inner self back to them. I can’t explain this. It makes therapists viciously turn on me.

It might be my fault. Maybe I did something subconsciously without realizing it that threatened or offended my therapist. But I’m not sure how or why I would’ve done that, since I didn’t enter the session feeling threatened. Hmm… I just now scrolled through my public social media feed. I couldn’t find anything remotely offensive. I did, however, find this:

Too funny. That’s the movie where Betty White, my favorite actress, feeds the cow to the sea creature. Poor cow didn’t see it coming, since he was blindfolded, for crying out loud. Look at the resolved expression on Betty’s face as she leads the cow to certain danger.

Something felt off when I first started talking to the therapist. I told her how I was making some rainbow industrial furniture, and she asked for a description of it, so I told her I’ve invented it, and I’m sure it’s going to take off. She gave me a weird look, like, uhuh, yeah, sure, whatever you want to tell yourself.

Things went downhill from there. She asked how my fetish plays into my sexual desires. I told her it doesn’t. I want vanilla sex with a man who loves me, blah, blah, blah. She seemed… disappointed. Is that weird? Like she wanted to discuss the fetish some more, despite its irrelevance. I was being honest with her, by the way. We discussed how, when I reached puberty, I developed the pure and honest desire to simply have normal sex with a guy, and to feel loved.

Moving on from that point, I told her I hadn’t liked some of the questions on the form she asked me to fill out about my sexual history. The questions were rather vulgar. (I wasn’t blaming her, as she didn’t write the form. She got it online. She’d told me that.) But I didn’t like answering about whether or not I have pain when the tip of a penis slams into my cervix. That’s too graphic for me. (There was a long list of questions like that one.) I’m very puritanical. I don’t judge people who aren’t. I think people who enjoy sex should be having more of it (as long as everyone’s of age and it’s consensual, obviously). But for me personally, I’m not comfortable with graphic sex talk.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex. Oh, Meg wants to have sex. Believe it. It’s just all outside of my comfort zone and experience level. It is what it is. But reading about penises slamming into cervixes makes it too visceral and physical and base and vile. Sex should be about connection, bonding, sharing, and that sort of thing. And quite honestly, the image of me having sex with someone who I have no feelings for is horrifying. That would corrupt everything I stand for. I’m not talking about rape. (Although rape is obviously horrific.) I’m talking about if I were to make the conscious decision to … have sex for the sole sake of having sex.

That would ruin sex for me forever. It’s not supposed to be about that, not for me. If it’s about that for other people, I have no issue with that, but it’s all wrong for me. I need connection, bonding, intimacy, caring, sharing, and all that. Otherwise, sex becomes vulgar and offensive.

My worst nightmare is that I’d think a man loved and cared about me, and then we’d have sex, and then I’d come to fear it was a physical thing for him. Men, this is why you should always call the next morning, or after you’ve left. Especially and particularly after the first time. Just trust me on that.

I’m sure I’ll have that paranoid experience at some future point if.. .IF!!!… my sex life ever kicks into gear. (It probably won’t.) But ideally, this is why sex should be reserved for marriage. Or at least engagement. Or at least more than a few dates. I’m not sure when the magic moment is. But you see what I mean.

I feel that way right now, sort of: screwed and left for dead. I trusted my therapist which required a huge leap of faith for me, given my tragic history of one godawful therapist after another. I got burned. I’m trying not to blame myself with thoughts like, “What if I should’ve known she would hurt me, and I should’ve protected myself?” The sad truth is that we can’t predict human nature. Trust is based on knowing someone for a long time. I had no basis to trust my therapist. However, I made a good-faith effort to work with her, and I regret that now.

So even though I have no one special to have sex with, I still managed to get screwed. There’s that.

14 thoughts on ““You’re fired!”

    1. Yeah, bad, bad therapist!!! Bad therapist!!

      My hope is that if I feel close enough to someone, it would feel like a natural extension of that. It just can’t be sex on its own merits!! Let’s hope for the best!! You never know!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, I’m not opposed to it except in isolation! Like outside the whole bounds of connection and relationship!! If that makes sense!!

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  1. I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling so much because of this therapist! So sad she didn’t turn out to be a fluorite as we hoped. It’s really so difficult to find a good therapist, I honestly wonder if for some people, or perhaps, in some areas, or with some specific problems, it’s even realistically possible. When you have a mental illness people will assume that the best thing you can do, or even have to do, is go to therapy, some will even expect you to, but how can you go to therapy when you can’t even find a reliable therapist? People say it’s very much like with dating and I agree, I actually think it’s even more tricky because you’re risking much more as you’re the one who has to open up pretty much from the get go, it’s not bi-directional. But oh well…
    I think you did the right thing. I have no problem with sex talk personally, even though I could likely be classified as puritannical in other respects since I’m most likely asexual and also Christian and for many people Christian views on sexuality are puritannical, but I think it’s pretty jerky anyway to ask you such very personal and visceral questions when you feel uncomfortable with it, she’s not your gyn or anything to need to know such things and you didn’t come to her to help you with sex stuff, or was it one of the things you did originally wanted her to work on with you? Regardless whether you’re comfortable talking about sex or not, it’s jerky and nosey. Some therapists seem mildly obsessed about sex in my view. Not that I’m saying it’s not important, but its importance seems to be overestimated by some.
    Hugs. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind thoughts!! I agree that the questions were nosy, and indeed, I didn’t go to see her for sexual issues; but that’s the problem with therapists! Like you can sense too, they always go all Freudian and have to go to sex in their minds and in our sessions. It’s odd, isn’t it? But to give the therapist the benefit of the doubt, it came up as an issue with the EMDR because I felt like what my dad did to me was sexual, and from that point, we dove into sex talk at therapy, as you can well imagine. I wanted to keep doing EMDR (which granted, I didn’t verbalize), but she wanted to go into the messed-up thought patterns of mine associated with it.

      Right now, I’m feeling better and recovered, but she’s finally answered my email, and I’m having one of those moments of being afraid to open her email. I mean, I didn’t even tell her anything, just that I can’t do anymore therapy, and thanks for the therapy thus far. But… ugh, I’m just afraid to read it. Okay, Meg, rip off the bandaid… I’ll do it with you on the line here, so thanks for the support… hold on… okay, not too bad: “Good morning Meg, Thank you for letting me know. Will you share the particular reason you need to stop therapy right now? I’d like to have a discussion to see If there’s anything we can do which will allow you to continue your therapy work. Please let me know if you’re open to that.In Collaboration, [her name].” Errrr, am I open to that? Oh, Meg, don’t overthink it!! Just run, run to safety! (Sorry, I’m sort of talking to myself now.) 😀 But yeah, jumping from my sexual feelings from childhood straight into visceral physical sex questions was just… a leap. I guess the assumption is that most adults can discuss the realities of sex? Ugh.

      Thank you so much for commenting!! Always appreciated!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Uh, I hate opening emails like these too!
        I think I would also hate this email as I probably wouldn’t be open to such a discussion at all… I think that’s just another problem with some therapists. You can’t be honest with them about your reasons for not wanting to doing therapy with them anymore because if you do, they’ll keep insisting that the problem is with you and that is exactly why you should do it with them and that it’ll get better from now on. I’m not saying your therapist is like this and I dearly hope she’s not, but that’s just according to my experience.
        I’m sure not all adults, even perfectly mature and sexually healthy adults from healthy but rather modest families, have to necessarily be up to having such visceral conversations about sex. Even when you’re comfortable with it in general, have no trauma or a taboo problem, it’s still a very intimate topic. But perhaps your therapist would say there’s something wrong with me too for thinking the way I do. 😀 Not that I’m sure there isn’t, lol. But I don’t care too much anyway.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh my gosh, I completely agree!! 😀 On all points!! Don’t worry, I won’t write back to my therapist!! I think that’s the best response! I don’t want to be rude necessarily, but… I guess I’ll sort of ghost her…? Huh. I think you might be right that I’m overworrying about being prudish now because of my therapist. I stumbled upon something online last night that made me feel better. It was a commercial for a shower that showed a naked man doing a twisty dance in the shower. I and many other commentors (this was from a year ago, but I still remember it) were grossed out and turned off by it. When I stumbled upon that and realized I wasn’t alone in my sentiments, it occurred to me that maybe nudity has a place (sex) and sex has a place (loving relationship) and it’ll all be good!! YAY!!

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      3. It’s not like I don’t want or want you to write back to your therapist, it’s you who know her and so you will know best what to do, but sometimes I guess there’s hardly anything more you can do than ghosting even when it feels bad and rude.
        I think you put it very right that both nudity and sex have their place! It’s a special place, and so I think they shouldn’t be unnecessarily moved beyond it, especially if someone doesn’t feel comfortable with it.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I’m hesitant to write back because it feels…. like a dead-end. I can’t think of a way to make it better, like if I were to tell her, “Don’t worry, it’s not your fault,” it would be a pretty flagrant lie. If I were to tell her, “Something suddenly came up,” that would also be a lie. I don’t think there’s a way I could be honest that wouldn’t hurt her feelings, ya know? I just … it’s one of those things were there’s no good response. If, however, I can come up with a response that has more integrity without destroying her confidence, I’ll send it, for sure!! Who knows? It could happen!!

        Liked by 2 people

      5. Exactly, in such a situation anything feels either very hurtful to say or would be a lie so I guess ghosting is the best option for now, that’s what I would choose for lack of a better alternative. And if you tried to fix it your relationship would probably feel no less spoilt and rotten than it is now and such a therapeutic relationship would be anything but good to your mental wellbeing, and hers too.

        Liked by 2 people

      6. Yeah, but you know, you’ve inspired me. I could write back and act vague again, and then she’d be less likely to feel hurt or to press for us to get back together! A win-win!! I’m glad we had this talk!! I always tend to overlook the obvious!!

        Liked by 2 people

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