I’m feeling very discouraged after the therapy session from hell yesterday. I always tell the therapist I want/need EMDR, and the therapist always becomes curious about my past and wants to do talk therapy. The last time this happened, we had the therapist who wound up accusing me of being suicidical when I was, in reality, in a great mood. Epic fail. (I’ve been suicidal in the past, yes, but I’ve NEVER been suicidal and freakin’ happy at the same time. Is that even a thing?!)
So now I feel myself going down the same road with my new therapist. It’s ironic, because I feel the need to analyze why my therapeutic relationships always take this path; and I should be analyzing my other life patterns. Good grief.
I could, in theory, remind my therapist that I’d like to do some more EMDR, and that EMDR was the original goal to begin with. But she’s having too much fun psychoanalyzing me. I told her that as an adult, I tried being “normal”, but it never felt right to me. But once I embraced the qualities of purity, innocence, childishness, and wholesomeness, I found happiness. Her next move was to try to get me to abandon those qualities. I’m not on board with that. I love who I’ve become. I think it’s sort of problematic for her to see my strengths as weaknesses. I have enough weaknesses that are actual weaknesses without having to throw my good qualities into the ring as well.
I was telling her that there’s a dissonance because I’m not comfortable acting sexual, since I see myself as being childlike, wholesome, pure, and innocent. But her decision to tear those qualities that I love about myself away is the wrong path to take. I flat-out refuse to quit having those qualities. It’s who I am. And I’m not willing to go so deep that I start to question who I am at a fundamental level, but next week, she wants to talk about whatever occurred in my adulthood to lead me back to being childlike.
It’s worth exploring, but not with the goal of eradicating those qualities from me. It’s who I am. I’m not willing to sacrifice my identity in the name of reaching my goals (of finding a loving man to be my boyfriend and have sex with me). Honestly, if that’s what it takes, I’ll choose more of the same (perpetual singledom).
She really hurt my feelings. She said I’m not capable of being in a partnership with a man, because I’m not emotionally mature enough to have emotional intimacy. I tried to tell her I have emotional intimacy with a lot of my friends, including one who’s male, and she didn’t believe me. I don’t need to be torn down like that. The relationships I have with everyone (shout out!) are more valuable to me than anything else in my life. They’re my raison d’être.
I think it’s great to go to therapy and work toward a goal (or goals), but it’s not great to mess up everything that’s already solid in someone’s life. Is there anything seriously wrong with the fact that I want a boyfriend who loves me and accepts me for who I am, who’d like to have vanilla sex and make out a lot, and that sort of thing? That doesn’t seem creepy to me. In fact, it seems like the opposite of creepy. You’d think creepy would involve saddles and chains and shock collars. (Not that I judge.) When did my childish approach to love and romance become creepy? I want to be loved. That’s creepy?
Maybe I said or did something to upset my therapist. It would’ve been unintentional. Uh… Yeah, no clue.
I hate to dump her. This feels as hard as breaking up with someone, which I guess it is.
But I’m not willing to tear down the aspects of my life that are working. It reminds me too much of how cults want to destroy your ego and sense of self. That shouldn’t be destroyed! If you’re having some sort of ego problem, like if you’re insanely jealous of your successful older sister, you should address that; but you shouldn’t take good aspects of your ego and make them seem bad just because “it’s wrong to have an ego,” or any other reason.
For example, if you see yourself as a gourmet chef and everyone loves your cooking, how would it benefit you to suddenly feel like a terrible chef? It wouldn’t. It would be heartbreaking to me if that happened to someone I cared about.
The ego is a human construct that, as humans, we need. It should never be destroyed. If you want to rise above it and become more divine, that’s great, but it should never be destroyed. You may as well get rid of your physical body or your thinking mind or your understanding of language and ability to speak and communicate. The ego, in and of itself, isn’t the enemy. It can be the enemy. It can have qualities that don’t work for us. But eliminating it would be just as bad as losing your name, your identity, your appearance, your strengths, your weaknesses, your relationships, and your skill sets. That’s not for me, and it shouldn’t be for anyone.
In good news, the EMDR she and I did has helped with the flashbacks, I think. I’m not 100% sure, but it feels as if the EMDR may have cut the humiliation in half.
My dad doesn’t want to keep funding my sessions with this therapist. He did say, though, that I could try to find another therapist to do more EMDR with. Oh, God, why? I really don’t want to.