TRIGGER WARNING: PHYSICAL ABUSE AND DISCUSSIONS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUALITY/FETISHES (but in the context of my life, since I’m obviously not interested in exploiting children…)
So, I went to therapy yesterday. The therapist thinks that I have some form of early-childhood trauma from before the age of three. She bases this on the fact that I had fetishy fantasies as a three-year-old at preschool. I told her my theory that I must’ve been spanked by either my mother or my maternal grandmother, and it caused or led to those fetishy fantasies. This is based on the fact that the fantasies always entailed: my mom, Granny Franny, He-Man, or Popeye. And I’m reasonably certain that I never met He-Man or Popeye. So that would leave the two actual humans.
It makes sense. In my mind, anyone who violently spanks a toddler is either cruel and/or clueless. For a tiny person, it’s overwhelming and horrifying. To the cruel and/or clueless adult, it’s an easy way to elicit good behavior. It’s not hard to imagine that such a thing could awaken a spanking fetish, in part because making it desirable and craveable renders it less scary and intimidating, because toddlers have no control whatsoever over how often or how hard they get hit by adults. None. The only thing they can control is their inner reaction, so why not make it a fastasy?
That’s what I’d fantasize about during naptime at preschool, and I’d just lie there, sleepless. I can still remember the other kids’ breathing patterns and a girl’s hair barrette glowing oddly green in the semidarkness. The cots were about a foot off the floor, and the teachers would convene on a sofa along the far wall. I’d have fantasies that I created and wove in my mind of being spanked; and my therapist thinks that’s indicative of a trauma response.
However, it’s not really useful info. Knowing that either my mom or my grandmother were clueless doesn’t help me at all. It’s just more sadness. I’d really like to raise awareness in parents that spanking can trigger a spanking fetish, but also this: if the fetish gets triggered elsewise, which it certain can; and your kid’s behavior seems deliberately antagonistic, then they might be trying to engage in some sexual, fetishy behaviors with you, and that shouldn’t be encouraged. Don’t freakin’ spank them. Send them to their rooms. There’s no fetish attached to that. Thank you.
I told the therapist how I’d spank myself for hours and hours every day in the attic, where I set up shop. This was roughly from the ages of eight to eleven or twelve. I’m glad I’m at a point of no longer feeling ashamed of that, but I was into it hardcore, and I made sure I never got caught. I have no idea who that person was, because I’m not… I mean, I can’t relate to that former version of myself. When I hit puberty, I became ashamed of it and quit doing it, for the most part.
The therapist said it’s okay for me to want to be spanked, and that if I want to find a man who’ll spank me (within the confines of a committed and consensual relationship), there’s nothing wrong with that.
But oddly, that’s not what I want. I can’t even visualize what that would look like. I just want vanilla sex and a lot of love and support. Go figure. I mean, I wouldn’t be entirely opposed to it; and I’d definitely be openminded, especially given my proclivities, but it’s not what I really want in a relationship. I’m way too repressed and ashamed to even let such a thought into my puritanical head.
The hard thing about reading that Fifty Shades of Grey, which I bailed on, was how Anastasia (was that her name?) wasn’t into it. It was consensual, yes, but it wasn’t a mutual interest. Mr. Grey was into it, but she wasn’t. That sort of killed the book.
So the therapist is helping me compartmentalize. I assume the goal is to separate the shame of the beatings I received as a child from my sexuality, or I’ll never be as sexual as I want to be, due to shame and hangups.
My dad’s still funding this at $115 a week. I’ve suggested that he try to get some money from my mom, who ought to be responsible for my therapy as well, and who has a large income.