Oh dear!

I’ve really done it now! I emailed my former employers and asked them if I can come back to work.

Ashley Leia asked me recently why I want to go back to work for such horrible people. I guess I’m fairly convinced that there aren’t any better employers out there. It would take way more energy for me to start over someplace else, and it would probably wind up being not such a better environment.

Weird. If I were justifying staying in a bad relationship, that wouldn’t fly, would it?

I don’t know. Lately, I don’t feel very happy. I’m on my period. (Ahah! That would be it.) I’m just not happy. I feel embarrassed and self-conscious and awkward and disconnected and sort of overwhelmed by nothing. I haven’t even done anything today. I’ve been spaced out and distant inside my head. Things that could entertain me seem to be forgotten. I’m glad I’ll be writing a novella this weekend. I need a creative jump-start.

Oh, that reminds me. People on the forum don’t like my story. I like my story, but objectively, I dislike it. It was a hard weekend. All I had to do was score some number of points, but I suspect it’s going to get zero; and then I might not make it to the next round. 😦 You can get to the next round with 15 points (which is what I have so far), but it’s rare and hardly guaranteed.

I just don’t feel good about myself lately. I’m worried about everything, and I feel stupid, and I’m afraid I’ll never write anything good ever again. Yeah, that’s… hormonal, I’m sure.

God, I just feel so off. But that’s an improvement over my past two periods. Also, it’s what I’m going to be writing about this weekend. Meet my upcoming novella, everyone:

Period, End Of. 

Ruby is a levelheaded, sensible, judgmental shrew who looks down her nose at any sort of emotional weakness. Crying at work? Get it together. She’s a no-nonsense supervisor who’s heard it all, and she doesn’t tolerate foolish sentiment. Not one little bit. 

Ruby’s been on hormonal birth control since she was fourteen. The decision to go off it in order to conceive a child with her fiance seemed like a practical one, but she’s not prepared for the rush of hormones that accompanies the return of menstruation. After blowing up at her employer and impulsively quitting her job, she gets arrested for indecency. Things get worse when she can’t master tampons. In an effort to pick up the shattered pieces of her life, she takes her first nap since Kindergarten, leading her roommate to assume that Ruby’s got toxic shock syndrome. 

Soon, her fiance has entered witness protection, her roommate is horrified, her former place of employment is aflame, and her mother is begging her to go back on the pill. Will life ever be the same? 

Oh my gosh. I’m just, like, really demoralized, though. I mean, last year’s novella came in fourth out of four.

What are the judges looking for that I’m not giving?!

I know what my writing lacks. I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more periods. More periods! YES!

More-Cowbell-400x400_LI

Oh, geez. Period, End Of. doesn’t stand a prayer.

5 thoughts on “Oh dear!

    1. Oh, yeah, that’s always an option!! Don’t worry!! I guess I want to see if I’m capable of it again! I haven’t tried to teach reading since 2006. But when I was doing it, I felt so successful and accomplished and like I was helping people. I sort of miss that. A lot.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I’ve had my share of toxic workplaces, and while the work was good, I always go back to the reason why I left in the first place.

    It may not seem like it now from where you are, but you’re just going to go back and hate things even more, which will start the cycle all over again. Best to keep trying and find someplace you’ll be happy. Wishing you all the best!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You could be right!! I can’t say otherwise. It’s also possible that I’ll go back, sniff out how awful my employers are in two seconds, and just run screaming. There’s a point where I can’t tolerate stuff any longer, and I’m wondering why I never reached it with them. I originally left the job in 2004 because I diminished my accomplishments and felt that I should be working full-time for my work to have value. I no longer have that faulty belief. The next time I left was simply because they hired me back to cover someone else’s leave of absense. There’s no way to accept that my employers judge me for being mentally ill and expect me to have some bizarre level of subservience and perfection. it won’t change, and I can’t argue with that. What I can only hope for is that I’ll value the good I’m doing and manage to accept the rest. But thank you!! I should give due consideration to just working elsewhere, for crying out loud.

      Like

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