Going pretty darned well!

The intermittent fasting is going much better than expected! I’ve embraced the challenge of it. I think I’ve done it for three days now. The main problem is that I’m sick to my stomach because when I go off the fast, I eat disgusting unhealthy foods. I’m sure this is a temporary issue, and that I can eventually eat healthier foods, but… yucks. At some point, I need to accept that the local grocery store makes the world’s most disgusting chicken.

And here I am in Kentucky! As a child, and this is hilarious, I thought that KFC was a local restauraunt. I was wrong!

I like the concept of intermittent fasting. The focus isn’t on what I eat, but when I eat. Like I said, I’d love to master both, but for right now, I’m having more luck with the when than I’ve ever had with the what. It’s a refreshing new dietary focus. Just don’t eat! You can eat later.

I was turning over the idea of going back to work at the reading center, and I’m afraid to. I’m afraid they’d reject me, and I’d take it personally, because we’d all know it’s due to my mental illnesses. They know I’m mentally ill, despite how I spent years trying to hide it from them. Should I just own it? They’re very status-conscious. I can’t imagine they’d embrace my myriad mental illnesses. They’re also very domineering. Any employer who goes around dropping comments like, “I’m in charge of the hiring and the firing,” while puffing his chest out isn’t a very thoughtful employer, in my opinion. They also yelled at someone once for playing with his blackberry during the staff meeting. The poor guy had to explain to them that he was taking notes on their lecture with his stylus. [Eyeroll.] God, they’re tyrants.

Anyway, deep breath. I’m just turning the idea over. As employers, they always demanded perfection. I was a very dedicated employee, but it was never good enough. They acknowledged that everyone who worked there fell into one of two camps:

  1. Brilliant at teaching the intricacies of the reading programs but bad at getting errant children to focus, or
  2. Great at keeping unfocused kids on task, but not great at the minute details of the learning programs.

I was in group #1. It’s sort of like an introvert/extrovert continuum. But they expected us all to gain mastery of both issues. But with my extreme introversion and social issues, it sucks my energy away to have to say to a kid, “Hey! Pay attention and stay on task.” I’m not all that authoritative. I can be authoritative with adults when I’m angry, but that’s not the same thing. With kids, I don’t want to destroy them. I realize that’s irrational, but oh well.

Oh my gosh. I was working with one little boy once whose parents decided to spend a week seeing what would happen if he didn’t take his ADHD meds. I had him all… freakin’… week. Come Friday, I was at my wits’ end. I made it clear to him that if he didn’t try harder for me, he wouldn’t get to go to the treasure box. (It’s an award for having a good week.) Well, guess who didn’t get to go to the treasure box? This little boy. And his program coordinator said to me, “You didn’t let him go to the treasure box? Oh, my, you’re tough.” Well, not really. A better teacher would’ve kept him on task, but oh mylanta. It was a miracle that I kept him from climbing the cubicle dividers and hiding under the table. That kid needed his meds! ADHD is no joke, people.

But my point is that my employers had this awful attitude of making everyone from group 1 try to become better at enforcing discipline, and everyone from group 2 try to get better at mastering the programs. In other words, they wanted employees who were perfect and could deliver it all. That’s a tough mindset for me to put myself back into. I’d rather just own my limitations.

On the other hand, their scheduler bent over backward to accommodate everyone’s strengths and weaknesses (which my employers strongly encouraged her to do). I think my employers’ fear was that there are times when people from group 1 get stuck with overactive kids, and people from group 2 get stuck with kids who have more extreme learning issues. But still. We can only give so much of themselves. This is part of being human.

I have no idea how to convey that belief to my former employers. I’m guessing they’d disagree on principle.

They’re a married couple. They’re both gorgeous California blonds, and so are their children. High society, all that. Glamour. Elegance. Refinement. Image. Poise. Superficiality. Sophistication. Upper echelons. I never once had a meaningful conversation with them. I have no clue how to interact with such people other than superficially.

I’ve written a few satirical stories about them over the years for my NYC Midnight competitions. HA HA HA HA. If they were to read either, that would be it. They’d never let me come back to work for them. Period, end of story. I’m laughing really hard right now. They’re easy to poke fun at. They kind of set themselves up for it.

I mean, can you imagine what effect brutal honesty would have with them? “I’m schizophrenic.” [Blank stares.] “I see dead people,” I might add nervously. My eyes would shift back and forth.

“Ohhh, you see dead people,” they might say, and then they’d exchange a Look-with-a-capital-L.

(I don’t really see dead people. Being schizophrenic isn’t nearly so glamorous.)

These aren’t people who you can be honest with. They can’t handle the truth, not about anything. They’re too superficial. But they know I’m mentally ill. So should I just own it, or should I downplay it, or should I deny it staunchly, or should I talk in circles around it? (That last option would be their choice, for sure.) I have no clue. But I’m going to spend a few months contemplating it while receiving more EMDR therapy.

In other news, my 3-day novella from last year might win its contest tomorrow! YAY! Here’s hoping!!

2 thoughts on “Going pretty darned well!

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