Dear Mesmerizing Meg: Why can’t I seem to think about what I’m doing in the present moment? Mistakes? When I am interested in something I can usually focus and accomplish things quite well, but when it comes to less important things like tasks around the house or small things at work, I struggle to focus on what I’m doing and make stupid mistakes or don’t do things properly. I seem to find the task I’m doing too boring to think about, so my mind seems to be thinking of more interesting things rather than what I’m doing. I guess I struggle to stay in the present moment when it’s too boring. I have been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder in the past but I don’t really feel anxious at all anymore. I guess my mind does wander too much.
Kind Querent: It’s completely normal to let your mind wander when you’re performing rote tasks. I’d advise against doing it at work, since you’re getting paid to do a good job; so try to focus while you’re on the clock. At home, if there are no safety issues involved, I’d say, let yourself space out. Living in the present moment is overrated. Not living in the present moment becomes an issue only if you’re troubled by bad memories and/or worried about the future. Those issues aside, if you’re having happy thoughts about what fun you had a week ago, or if you’re excited about your upcoming vacation, then “living in the moment” becomes meaningless and unnecessary. It also becomes a New Age bragging point, as if it has some sort of higher meaning. I’m a very New Agey person myself, but I reject the whole concept of “living in the moment” as having some sort of innate virtue. Enjoy happy memories! Get excited about next week’s big thing! It’s all good.
Dear Mesmerizing Meg: From the beginning of our relationship, from time to time, she’ll say “I don’t know how to make you happy” and i’ll reassure her by saying “You do make me happy, love. I don’t think i’ll be with someone who doesn’t make me happy” and she’ll be glad that i reassured her. Like I could get mad at her for something small and she’ll actually avoid talking to me because she thinks she’s “annoying.”
I got mad at her for something she did but I also did to her so basically I believe she was being sarcastic and wasn’t serious, I lost it and got mad. She said “idk what ur so mad about I was literally playing. You don’t believe me do you.?” I eventually left for a little. She said “come back” I ended up coming back but I still couldn’t control my temper that’s when she said “If ur gonna act like this then bye.
I tried to say something else and she said “no bye” The next day she was distant. She responded with small words. I believe she was ignoring me, but I could be wrong. I called her out on ignoring me and she said “sorry” and I said “you should be” She said “ofc I should be” I said “yes” she said “k then idk if ima talk to u anymore cos I only make u mad. I’m not enough. U deserve better. Ur out of my league. Sorry for everything. I asked her was she coming back and she said “idk I don’t want to leave u but idk how to make you happy anymore.” I went online and saw her profile it said “lmaoo” then she unfriended me. It’s been 1 month. Can I get her back?
Kind querent: Yeah, no, this relationship is dead. But if it’s any consolation, it sounds like you and she weren’t a good fit. I get the sense that she didn’t believe you when you said she made you happy, and so she was being passive aggressive in an attempt to get back at you for not loving her for who she is. I’m not accusing you of pretending she made you happy; but SHE was definitely attacking you as though you were guilty of it.
That’s not a healthy relationship dynamic, and I don’t see any sort of way to fix it. I’m sorry. While I have your attention, please swear off the text-speak! Thank you.
Dear Mesmerizing Meg: I’m 26/f & ended a REALLY Bad 4-year relationship in March 2020. He was a cheater, a liar, and a thief and towards the end he was physically abusive which is why I left. And blocked him on everything.
I’ve been doing good so far but recently I’ve been missing him. I know he did some messed up stuff to me but in a weird way I do think he actually loves me and he was my love.
I know I sound stupid and I usually try to think of the bad times to avoid reaching out to him. He was my only real relationship and I don’t think I can have what I had with him with anyone else. I just don’t think I’m capable of having that spark again. Most guys I meet want sex and don’t care to appreciate what I have on a deeper level. I’ve rejected so many guys that I thought were good. For example I was on a date last week with someone I’ve been seeing for a month. We were having a great time and out of nowhere he says “can you Suck me in my car” Im so over this dating life and just want to get back with my ex. He was never a creepy horn ball and he actually listened. Would I be stupid to forgive him & get back with him? Slowly of course? I’d appreciate some hard honesty Bc I feel so weak right now and I never wanted to be that girl.
Kind querent: Yes, I agree with you that your abusive ex actually loved you. I think that love can take many forms, not all of them good or healthy. And you want that love right now. I understand that. But your loneliness can’t be filled by an abuser.
The guys you’ve been dating sound like true gentlemen. [Eyeroll.] I can’t help but wonder why the leading men in Hallmark movies never express their desire to be sucked.
Don’t go back to your ex no matter what. It’s like an urge for chocolate or alcohol or gambling or anything addictive and unhealthy; but if you go back to him, you might not be able to walk away for a long time. You could get lured in, or he could trap you, etc., etc. Think about that. Going back to him could have irreversible consequences. So whatever you have to do to prevent it, do it. And no, taking it slowly with him isn’t good enough. You’ll slowly destroy your life. Please don’t.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be dating now. You need to fix the loneliness problem with friends first. I’d recommend you focus on being friends with people (even guys if you want, or just females), until your head is cleared enough that you don’t wind up on dates with frogs.
You need friends so badly, because you need support. If you can find an online support forum, that would be great. You’ve only been broken up since March, so your head isn’t remotely clear yet. Abusive guy: bad. He listened, yes, but that’s not enough. Don’t let that be enough. Whatever you do, don’t open the door and let him back in. If dating the creeps keeps you away from your abusive ex, then keep on dating the pervy creeps, because staying away from your ex should be priority #1. Otherwise, I’d give up dating for a year or so.
Wanting a spark is overrated. It’s a great thing to find and to have with someone, but it should never involve massive sacrifices like being abused or treated badly. Don’t worship that spark. Find stability without it.
I’m perpetually single, and I dream of finding someone. But if I were on a date with a guy who asked me to suck him (and there’s a long history of my hating that word… someone once gave a writing peptalk about how much writing “sucks” and I had a meltdown), I’d stare at him in horror and say, “What?!” I think the problem you’re having is that you can’t accept the possibility of not having a boyfriend. But that’s a very real reality, and trust me on this, right now, it’s the best reality out there for you.