Based in part on a prior email I received from him stating this:
Part of my neurosis is OCD behaviors. You know how you open a can of soda and your entire goal is to drink until it is empty? Just me, huh? That’s how I am with everything. Once I arrive at work I can’t rest until we get box mail up. If I start something I can’t rest until it’s done. I have done that with friends. I burn it up until nothing remains. So, I’m now happy getting my social connections at work. I don’t get involved in much away from work.
I wrote to him again after my last message to him (see my past blog post) thusly:
I’m so sorry I’ve been so depressing. I have PMS. I swear, I’m normally a much happier person. (See? Watch me… I can destroy relationships so well! Gee… maybe we do understand each other!) Okay, here’s what I propose: being now more aware of the situation as it is, I think we should be friends and only friends for a long, long time into the foreseeable future, maybe forever. On my end, I mess everything up when I want to be more than friends with someone; and you have no faith in yourself to even be friends with someone; so I’d challenge us in that way. The challenge for me would be to accept that friendship is where it’s at. The challenge for you would be to have faith in yourself and in me that you can’t just randomly kill our friendship. Any desire I have to be more than friends would be on me to deal with; and any belief you have that you’re a friendship-killer would be on both of us to deal with, because first and foremost, I think it needs to be resolved initially. If that makes any sense. Then we can deal with my issue, or not. But even if we’re never more than friends, I could cope. I’d try to have no expectations nor hope of such.
Sorry for all the drama. The PMS can get really bad. You’re lucky to be male. [Shaking my head and rolling my eyes at myself.]
Are you having a nice day? I’d really be thrilled to death if you could get video of Granny’s property. It was so wonderful there! She died in 2016, and I miss her land so much. I think you’d love it there as well. 🙂 It’s time for my dad and I to take our 3:00 walk!! 🙂
And he wrote back and said:
Sorta busy at work. When it is customer free, [coworker’s first name] talks, talks and talks. She hates it when She doesn’t have my attention.
You may be mistaking a lack of belief in myself for my desire to go home to quiet. My better syndrome resembles ASD. I’m definitely on the spectrum. I don’t like family gatherings. I won’t have anything to do with my first cousins or other relatives. I won’t talk to my sister on the phone unless we have an emergency with Mom.
So it really is not you. I’m not making an excuse to let you down easy. I give all of my attention at work and choose to be alone in the quiet after work. I need the quiet time.
And at that point, I pretty much felt something inside of myself give up.
Thanks for telling me that! I appreciate it a lot. I would never want to interrupt your quiet time or take over your life!! I’d just want to be in it to some extent, but if that’s asking too much, I really do understand!! It’s very nice of you to not make it about me, and I really appreciate that. Being autistic isn’t a huge deal, but I think I hear what you’re saying–it makes you need alone time. I don’t often do family gatherings either, but for different reasons, I’m sure. I guess that’s it, then. 🙂 There’s no way anything at all would work, is what you seem to be saying. 🙂 I wish it could be different, but life is weird. Oh well. 😦
In the final analysis, I think he actually liked me but was unwilling to do anything about it that would disrupt his perfect life. In other words, he chose the easier path, almost hoping perhaps that I’d stick around and slowly draw him out (which would’ve sucked all my energy away and been very unfair to me). If he wants to be at work or alone all of the time, then there’s no room for me, unless I’m doing the math wrong. Don’t you hate it when the numbers don’t add up?
I’d love for him to write back and prove me wrong, but I’m pretty sure I won’t hear from him again. It was nice of him, though, to not make it about me.
The only problem is that I’ve been told, “It’s not you; it’s me,” so often that I have a hard time believing it. One time when a guy told me that, I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “That’s never true,” I told him. His gaze shifted around and didn’t know where to land, and his smile faltered. Guys should be called out on that more often. But with this guy from today, I think he might have meant it. That was a novel experience!
What am I to believe, though? That I wasn’t worth reprioritizing his life over? That I wasn’t worth letting in even a little bit? If true love shows up in your life, only a fool would reject it in order to maintain the status quo, especially when the status quo involves being single and living with two cats, one of whom demands a bottle of Dasani water poured into his bowl each evening. I know I’m an imperfect person, but I would’ve added so much to his life. He just didn’t want it.