Paranoia triggered!

Having conversed with that guy yesterday, it has raised some issues. No clue why, but I guess because we were discussing horrible happenings, like his friend doing years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit.

I’m not sure why, but my mind went back to 2005, when I became psychotic. My mom responded by throwing me a birthday party (mostly so she could see her sisters), at which I looked like a serial killer.

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I felt terrified. That was around when I felt an invisible hand choking me, so I’d often wear my warm winter coat despite the hot summer weather in order to create counter-pressure against the back of my neck. That was the only thing that made it feel better. I thought I was being poisoned in my apartment, and I could sense Evil Spirits hovering above me whenever I’d lie down. They kept threatening to kill my dad and my dog; and to burn my face off so I could become one of Her Royal Highness Queen Oprah’s tragic burn victims. (If you get burnt up and don’t agree to go on her show, you might wind up missing and eventually presumed dead.) (This is largely theoretical, because most burn victims just sell out. She’ll pay you quite well for the privilege.)

I just don’t know why it all came back, but I guess it was a really difficult time. I had no one. NO ONE. Just my dad, who, as we know, abused me as a child. So that’s all kind of messed up. But it was really hard to live in a world where everyone else on the planet couldn’t be trusted, and/or was out to get me, and/or was inherently evil, and/or was self-motivated to the point that I’d get hurt by it.ย Everyone.ย 

It was bad, and it came about because I had no one to turn to. I was in touch with one aunt during this time, and she just quit writing back to me via email. I went to see a therapist, and the therapist reported everything I told her to an employee assistance program, who in turn called me and started asking me personal questions. I turned to a childhood friend, but he dropped me like a hot potato. My coworkers poisoned me with Alka-Seltzer for laughs. My mom was on vacation in Australia with her late husband Jim and couldn’t be bothered to talk to me. Everywhere I turned for help, I got shot down.

When I’d take walks with my dad and someone around the neighborhood would give me a kind word, I’d be confused, wondering what their motive was. Kindness seemed foreign and impossible, so I figured they wanted something.

Actually, it might not be talking to that guy that brought this up. Something else happened yesterday, something bad. I took my dad out to eat for Father’s Day. (He had brunch with my evil sister on Sunday, so he and I went out yesterday.) It was dreadful. As soon as I saw the servers mingling near the entrance, my paranoia became razor-sharp, and I cowered away from them and turned off eye-contact. During the whole meal, I was reminded that eating out really, really triggers my paranoia for unknown reasons. I can interact okay at a cash register in any kind of establishment, but for whatever reason, eating out is excruciatingly painful. Yeah, I bet that’s what it was. It really took a toll on me.

For years after I moved home from Georgia, my dad and I would eat out twice a week. Maybe it was practice in being around people again, but it just reinforced the paranoia instead of treating it. I wish I’d realized that instead of trying again and again each week. Several years ago, we quit doing it due to financial reasons. I’d forgotten completely how difficult it is for me to eat out. I’m not sure what the deal is, but it’s very hard. I feel like servers are energetically raping me, desperate to win me over so they’ll get a big tip. And I’m sure my self-protective standoffishness toward them hurts their feelings, so I usually do leave a huge tip. Yesterday, on a $25 meal, I made sure the server got $7. I mean, he must’ve been able to tell that I was terrified of him.

So eating out was a bad idea. I wanted to take my dad to Squire Boone Caverns for Father’s Day, but he didn’t want to drive an hour out of town in the heat. (Neither of our old clunker cars has good AC.)

This is good to know, though. If the guy I like decides he wants me in his life after all (hey, a girl can hope), then I’ll know not to try eating out with him. Heaven help me! There are other ways to spend time.

But what is it about eating out? I just don’t know. It just terrifies me. Note to self: no more eating out. Like, ever.

11 thoughts on “Paranoia triggered!

  1. At checkouts at least there’s movement and you’re not stuck there, but eating out, you’re trapped in one spot for a solid chunk of time. My ex who had schizophrenia couldn’t deal with eating out aside from one quiet restaurant where he felt comfortable.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah Meg, it’s interesting that you would make paranoia the title because that was what flashed across my mind yesterday while reading your post! Shame and paranoia go hand in hand like twins. I think a weighted blanket would be a great benefit for you! I have one and it was the best Christmas gift I bought for myself 5 years ago! I got it from a sensory website. It’s like smothering g a fire, hitting all your pressure points and calming you your nervous system. I learned about it and used one for the 1st time while in the hospital 9 yrs ago. I swear by it Meg. I pull it out once a month for ya know, that time and when i do shadowwork.
    It’s ok to know what doesn’t feel good for you and eating out is not your thing. Acceptance of self is hugely healing. Love ya Meg๐Ÿฅฐ
    I was telling my parents tonight about you and how much fun energy you exude. You’re in a good space now, enjoy it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I overlooked your comment earlier!! Here it is!! YAY! Well, I do have one blanket that’s quite a heavy blanket. It’s very weighty. I’ve put it away for summertime, but I guess I could get it back out sometimes!! Ohh, thanks for telling your parents about me!! Please give them my kind regards!! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Huh, paranoia and shame… thinking… you could be onto something. Often when I’m paranoid, I’m afraid people can see inside of me, or I them. It’s intrusive. And shame is something that cripples as well!!

      I agree that I should forgo eating out, but at some point when I’m resting comfortably, I want to do some soul-searching and figure out why eating out is so hard. You and Ashley have made good points here to consider. I’d like to get to the heart of it!! That doesn’t mean I can fix it, though, but I could understand it at any rate!!

      Like

      1. Exactly! Lincoln is schizoaffective and he gets the same kind of thoughts so I really understand where you’re coming from my dear. Understanding oneself better leads to acceptance which is HUGE๐Ÿ’œ
        I will definitely tell my parents that you said heyyyy๐Ÿ‘‹

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  3. I think Ashley has made a very good point. I struggle with eating out as well, though more because of anxiety and other similar things rather than paranoia as such. On the other hand I do like eating out or at least the idea of it so it’s quite a conflict, and I also don’t really know what’s the exact reason behind my strong reactions to it. I generally hate eating when there are a lot of people around, sometimes if there are any people at all, and I know that it could have something to do with an incident that happened to me as a kid with my Dad, plus just general social anxiety stuff, but still the extend of it at times can be strange, and I think it makes sense that it feels so intense because you’re staying in one spot for a long time, it’s a bit like you’re trapped and it’s hard to distract in any way. I hope it’ll be helpful when you do some soul-searching and that you can find the reason behind it.

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    1. Thanks!! I’m so sad to hear about the incident with you and your dad!! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ But I’m sort of glad to know I’m not the only person who struggles to eat out!! And you offer a clue: maybe my problem is anxiety that’s being channelled into a paranoia direction. That could be possible. Maybe when confronted with anxiety, my go-to reaction is to become paranoid instead. Very interesting. Because you make a good point that eating out could be anxiety-provoking. I’ve missed your questions of the day!! I hope they’ll be back soon!! YAY!! ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Anxiety channelled into paranoia makes a whole lot of sense. For me those two things are definitely strongly related, I often get absolutely irrational and paranoid and generally suspicious about people when I feel very anxious.
        Oh, I’ve sort of missed blogging too, but it’ll take a while yet before I’ll be back, I’m afraid. I’ve been getting used to my new iPhone lately and getting to know it, and then I’ve got a bit of a mood dip so I didn’t feel inspired to write publicly very much. Tomorrow we’re going for a short trip – my Dad’s going to have some work-related training and exams and will have to stay there overnight and we’re just going to accompany him, Zofijka loves sleeping in hotels for the sake of it so she’s particularly over the moon. –

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oooh, nice, traveling in hotels!! I hope you all have a blast! Sounds like it could be fun!! Yeah, I figured you’ve been trying to master the new phone! (I shudder at the thought! If I ever get one, it’ll be one made for old people with basic functions and massive ergonomic features.) ๐Ÿ˜€ I’ll be happy when you come back and blog all about everything!! YAY!!

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      3. I’m back and it definitely feels good. ๐Ÿ™‚ It wasn’t quite fun for most of us, as Dad was stressing out over his exams, and me and Mum definitely feel the best at home which this little trip has only confirmed, plus it was terribly hot, but Sofi did enjoy it thoroughly and it was mostly for her that we went there at all so the ultimate goals – my Dad passing his exams and Sofi having fun – have been achieved, phew.

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      4. Oh great!! I’m glad it all went so well and was so productive!! YAY!! Sounds like a good trip all around, but that it’s good to be home!! Happytimes!! ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

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