Holy flip.

Dear Amy: Out of the blue, my best friend of 45 years called to tell me something “uncomfortable” that had been bothering her for about 20 years.

What she said literally caused me to jump right out of my chair.

She declared that over the past 20 years or so, my husband and I had asked her to join us in a “threesome” multiple times.

I was stunned, and asked her what she was talking about. She said that many times over dinner, we had been whispering together and then made suggestions to her that we wanted to have sex with her.

She said she couldn’t remember any specifics.

My husband and I are very flirty together, but I can’t imagine we ever said or did anything untoward.

She had no explanation for why she continued to visit us without saying anything. She said she just hoped it would stop, but realized it wouldn’t.

First of all, we have never entertained this idea – with anyone.

She said I was her best friend, but she didn’t feel “like that” about me and began to cry. I said I didn’t feel that way about her, either.

I told her I understood that she was feeling very upset, but what she was suggesting never happened. She then insisted that I take responsibility.

I honestly thought that she might be having a breakdown. Her life has been challenging for the last few years, and she seems to be floundering.

I’m reluctant to write her off completely due to our very long history, but I’m shocked and angry, and I’ll never allow her in my house again.

My husband is done with her. Can this friendship be saved?

— Three’s a Crowd

Dear Crowd: No, I don’t think this friendship can be saved – at least in its previous form.

Because this accusation seems so out of bounds, you might assume that she is experiencing some cognitive changes that have brought on emotional instability and this strange accusation.

I hope you can see your way to adopt a compassionate stance toward her. Do not admit to something you haven’t done, but do not write her off.

Express concern for her and urge her to get a medical checkup to make sure she’s OK. (c) Ask Amy

So, this is how we treat our best friend of forty-five years? We freak, wallow in self-righteous anger, shun her from our home, play the victim, take offense, and then argue with her delusions? Nice.

Real top-quality best friend material, that.

The only good news here is that the poor delusional woman has ended a relationship that turned out to be shallow and superficial, and entirely devoid of value. I hope better things are on the horizon for her.

I told her I understood that she was feeling very upset, but what she was suggesting never happened. She then insisted that I take responsibility.

Okay, that’s nice. While you’re arguing with someone who’s delusional, what the heck? Apologize for giving the wrong idea, if nothing else. “I’m so sorry! I had no idea we were coming across that way! I’m worried about you.” It’s not hard. Unless, of course, you’re determined to be “right” and to defend your honor. If that’s your priority, and I’m shaking my head at the concept, then you don’t deserve to have had a best friend for forty-five years.

That best friend has always been there for you, for forty-five years. I’m appalled.

I never had friends of merit (or at all) until the past five years, which have been blessed. My best friend is Sonya, who I’ve known for two or three years. I haven’t known anyone for forty-five years. At least, not in this lifetime. I’m only forty-three.

I guess I’ve known my dad for almost that long. Hmm, let’s see. If my dad becomes delusional soon, should I drop him like a hot potato and shove him out of my life? Well, gee. I mean, he’s given me a nice place to live, he’s companionable, he appreciates my efforts at housekeeping, he loves the animals, he’s always in a good mood… But, you know, if he becomes delusional, that ain’t my problem. No sir. I’ll toss him out with the trash.

Forty-five years. I’m disgusted with this letter writer’s attitude.

Forty-five years of friendship thrown out the window.

I’d guess she feels embarrassed. For forty-five years, she’s been flirtatious with her husband in public, and now that’s sort of biting her in the behind. Somehow, for whatever weird reason, it’s become the focal point of her former friend’s delusions. Maybe the former friend has forever felt uncomfortable around the husband but tolerated him for her best friend’s sake. Maybe now she’s reached a point of complete mental crisis in which she can’t tolerate the dynamic any longer.

I’d feel guilty and ashamed if I’d made my best friend feel that way. I’d want to make it right. But I guess that chucking the forty-five year relationship out the window is the easy option if you have no morals or values. Whatever’s easiest. Friends come and go, right? Don’t work it out, don’t talk it out, don’t support one another, don’t be there when needed, don’t have any gratitude for friendship, don’t worry about serious mental health breakdowns, don’t do anything but act indignant. Nice. I really have nothing more to say.

 

 

 

5 thoughts on “Holy flip.

  1. It’s an odd reaction. It would be one thing to be offended if the friend was saying she’d been fantasizing about a threesome with them for the past 20 years. But clearly, the friend is not well. It’s weird that the letter writer half acknowledges this, but yet she’s angry. I think she’s fallen into the trip that ill-informed people often do of thinking that if you just reason with someone enough, you can soften their belief. And if this person has to write to Ask Amy because she’s not sure if the friendship she broke can be saved, she already knows the answer.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I hate it when the reaction to someone’s poor mental health is anger! The friend isn’t accosting the letter writer angrily, she freakin’ burst into tears. Like she was panicked or distraught. God bless her! I just don’t think this letter writer appreciates friendship, and it breaks my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my…my instinct here is that there’s more to this story and that the person writing to “Amy” is doing so because they can’t ask anyone closer to the situation. One give away is her admission that she and her husband are “flirty”. Now being flirty isn’t a bad thing per se, in the wrong time or place or person or context it can be. But she didn’t say I have no freaking idea what my friend is talking about help! No she’s alluding to something and it’s not transparency… If it’s nothing and her friend is delusional then I would hope she would encourage her to get help. While ending the friendship might be a bit extreme (45 years, 20 spent worrying?) they might need some physical space until they get things sorted out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You could be onto something. I was wondering about that myself. But it didn’t even occur to me that she’s writing to an advice columnist instead of asking her other friends, who indeed might all reply, “Um, Betty, you and Barney really need to quit pawing each other all the time. Poor Marjorie! Even I’ve gotten the wrong idea a few times.” Good catch there; great insight! And I think you’re on the ball that they need some space, because if the friend really has been freaking over this for twenty years (versus having had a mental breakdown), oh my goodness, yeah, something’s wrong with the friendship. Thanks for commenting, and please do so anytime!!

      Liked by 1 person

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