I lost ten pounds late last year, but I haven’t lost anymore since, I don’t think. I’m fine with this. I have to go through periods of losing and then periods of maintaining, during which I take a deep breath and get ready to lose more.
I’m not interested in starvation, but it takes extreme discipline to not let myself eat any snack food. I’ve gone a bit downhill with the snack food, but I haven’t gone off the deep end. This is good. The deep end would be pints of ice cream, huge slices of cake, an entire box of Wheat Thins, etc. The “middle ground” consists of snacking on breakfast cereal, Lara bars, and small bags of baked potato chips. That’s where I find myself at present.
I’m fully committed to losing all (or most) of the weight I need to lose this year. So if I go through periods of middle ground, I think that’s okay. Maybe even after I lose the weight, I can maintain it by going back and forth from the middle ground to all-out calorie counting.
I feel sort of fat, but I haven’t been to the gym. This time of year, I’d almost rather have my teeth pulled. (No, I wouldn’t.) But I hate exercise. I wish I could ride my bike, but the weather needs to be a little bit nicer. I think I might talk myself into it soon.
The self-help book I was reading about our shadow sides says that we rationalize and justify unhealthy eating instead of facing our needy inner child, or something like that. I think the author’s onto something, but not quite enough to be helpful. I mean, with me, anyway, I feel like I have bad habits, and I feel as if eating healthy requires constant mental vigilance which I don’t always have the energy for. Eating healthy also requires regular planning and preparedness. I feel like the issue on my end is one of habits and preferences. There aren’t many healthy foods that I like, so I have to eat the ones I do like often enough to get sick to death of them. You can only eat brown rice so often before it becomes the enemy. And don’t even try to feed me an apple. (I’m picturing comedian Chris Kattan as Mr. Peepers.)
But I think that if I try to make it a lifestyle to keep going from healthy to middle ground, I might be onto something. For one thing, it takes away the fear of having to make a lifelong commitment to healthy eating. That’s hard. I mean, we should all be able to eat some cake every now and again, no matter what. So I’m looking at it as a majority-of-the-time lifestyle, but not as a death sentence. I think I need to keep exerting effort, and then relaxing a bit, and repeat.
In other news, I’ve been doing hours and hours of unpaid data entry, i.e., I’ve been trying to find a literary agent. It takes colossal effort, and it’s rendering me braindead. (It doesn’t take much.) And I have no idea if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. But I’m hopeful that The Enervation of Eve will be the book that makes my career appear.
I miss writing. Aside from the short story I wrote for my contest last week, I haven’t written any fiction in ages. I have some ideas for a new novel, but I don’t want to start writing it until I’m waiting to hear from agents. But in a few days, I’ll be able to share my story both here… and on the forum, which is where all hell broke loose this time last year. They’d better behave themselves this year, or else.
Dear Mesmerizing Meg: My fiancée and I are supposed to get married next month; I’m eight months pregnant. Everything was good until he started acting weird about his Facebook. He always gave me his password, and out of nowhere decided to change it and didn’t want me on his Facebook. Red flag. And we said we’d only add family, but he started adding all these female friends. It made me feel uncomfortable and I thought to myself, “Well I guess I can have friends too.” But he got upset about that, so we both decided to remove friends. I did, he didn’t. I noticed a girl hearting and reacting to his posts, which hurt my feelings. I brought it up, he got upset with me. I went to my parents to give us some space. I came back home because I couldn’t sleep. He was giving me an attitude, but once he went to sleep, I checked his phone to see that he’s download this textapp just to try to get ahold of his ex a day before his birthday, which was this month. I left. He called me, pissed, asking where the f*** I was. Anyways cut to the point. He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about. Now today, he’s trying to be all sweet talking about our wedding. I don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to detach myself and leave, but I don’t know what to do… I feel numb and hurt.
Kind querent: He’s gaslighting you, and I’m so sorry. All the signs are there–the fact that he’s using a double standard, the way he’s blaming you for his actions, and his unjustifiable anger at you for speaking up. This is not your pregnancy hormones at play. Don’t let him convince you that it is.
I sort of wish you weren’t eight months pregnant with his baby. Just sayin’. But please don’t marry him next month (or ever). He’s not marriage material, nor is he someone you and your coming child should be living with. I’d consult an attorney regarding collecting child support from him. You’ll also have to work out a custody agreement.
He’s going to keep piling on the charm, but I hope you can see past it. I’d research gaslighting if I were you. Also, if you can’t bring yourself to break up with him, don’t drop the issue of his social media secrecy. Keep bringing it back up. Make him be answerable for it. If you can’t have male friends on social media, then he doesn’t get to have female friends. Don’t buckle on the double-standard stuff. Eventually, you’ll see that he’s being flagrantly manipulative.